Hope
by 301Francesca1
Summary: Bella's and Edward's childhoods were both very painful... violence...intimidation...abuse..Now they are eighteen years old and seeking revenge..
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my second fanfiction story. This is going to be a very painful one with lots of anger and suffering, dealing with drugs, molesting, abuse and so much sadness.

**Thanks to Susie…..thanks for your help…****Thanks to Rosa….a special dedication to qu3bz….I love you hun… and again thanks to my readers and friends…I love you all….**

**All the characters belong to S.M but Bella the bitch and Edward the bastard belong to me…**

_Life can be like paradise or hell….__ I have seen hell….I seek revenge…_

_Bella__ and Edward_

**HOPE**

MISERY

BELLA

I am a bitch…I know I am…Life has made me the bitch I am. I want people to be hurt. I have only one goal in my life. To pay them all back…Whether I know them or not…I don't fucking care. I lived hell…As far as I remembered…fucking purgatory….

My mother was a crack-addict and a fucking whore. I was the product of a rape. My father was her pimp. I don't remember my early childhood, but I know that I came in this world as an addict, too…I was born from a mother who took drugs during her pregnancy, so all that shit was in my blood …a fucking gift from my oh-so-slutty mother…

My mother died when I was four years old from an overdose. That part I remembered. I was there with her. Four days with a dead corpse…me and her, alone in our apartment…The smell of her rotting body and my dreadful cries alerted the neighbours. They found me lying near my dead mother, dirty, exhausted, completely dehydrated, starving and devastated.

And then my neglected childhood went on. My mother had no relatives at all….Maybe she did, I don't know. All her so-called friends or acquaintances where fucking prostitutes, drug dealers and pimps…so nobody fucking cared for me…

So the government and their institutions took care for me…took responsibility of me…how fucking did they care to care…The first place I was sent to was an orphanage… I was fed, if you could call that food - even a dog would have despised the food they served, clothed and educated…yes…educated…slapped, battered, secluded, famished…

Then I was sent to various families. I was dragged around like a nuisance from one adoptive family to the other….I don't know how many families hosted me. I lost count. I was not an easy child. I was stubborn, rebellious and withdrawn. I had a temper, and they all wanted to break it. So the battering continued, as well as the mistreatment and the sexual abuse. The more they hit me, the more I acted out. I ran away, spent time on the street as a homeless teenager, ate food out of the garbage, took drugs, slept with men, offering my body in exchange of money…I did not care…I did not give my fucking life any importance. I was just existing and surviving. I had no hope for something better. I was living in darkness and despair. Every time I ran away, the police tracked me down; found me and sent me back to the different hosting families…It was always that vicious circle. I was trapped in the system…

As soon as I was 18 years old my last adoptive family threw me out with a backpack and fifty dollars…I was an adult now so I had to take care of myself.

I was not very well-educated. I went to school from time to time, but missed a lot of school days. I was either playing hooky or most often because the bruises my so-loving adoptive family graciously left on my body were far too evident to be seen at school. It is not easy to hide a black-eye or a cut lip or a purple- bluish bruised face at school…I could hide the other marks with a long sweater and pants but not my face…I could not wear a mask at school….so when those marks were imprinted on my face, my family kept me secluded in the house, inventing some illness…I was indeed a very sick child.

But now I was 18, an adult and fully responsible for myself. I somehow deep inside me knew I would get some direction. I had to assure my own life. I had three goals now….earning money….an education…and revenge. I would do everything possible to achieve those three goals…No matter the time…No matter the ways…That was my life now…Those were my aims…

* * *

EDWARD

I am bastard…I am a fucking bastard, and I know it. Life made me the bastard that I am. Life has been a bitch and I do everything in my power to make people's lives a constant torment. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I hate people. I hate society. I hate what people did to me. They are all going to get paid back. Whether they had anything to do with my fucked-up life or not. Nobody was there for me when I needed them to be… except for my parents.

I seek revenge and I will get it.

As a young kid, I was a very shy boy…a very sensitive child, withdrawn and unsociable. Not that I didn't want to have friends, but other kids didn't want to have me as a friend. I grew up feeling very lonely and rejected. Nobody understood this fact. No psychologists, no teachers, no principals, and not even my parents.

Although I had been a beautiful boy with brownish-copper hair, deep green eyes…very pretty, as everybody told me. I was a very intelligent kid as well. My intelligence quotient was high, above average. I took some tests and my IQ results were comparable to Einstein.

I was in love with all kinds of arts…drawing…music…literature…poetry…these were my real friends. My parents were wealthy…my dad an art teacher…my mom…a very famous actress. So I was raised up in an artsy family. At a very young age, I learnt to play piano and guitar. I took drawing lessons. I had private teachers who helped me discover the beauty and the power of words, the musicality of poetry, the intensiveness of literature. From Shakespeare to Baudelaire to Lord Byron to Rudyard Kipling to Emilie Bronte to Tennyson to Charles Dickens and Daniel Defoe…I read a lot….I craved reading and to know all those famous poets and authors. I was insatiable. My dad took me to the museum. I discovered magnificent painters and their masterpieces: Picasso, Monet, Dali, Van Gogh, Gauguin, Cézanne…All of those talented and genius creators…I was in love with the arts.

School was easy, I mean the subjects were. I was getting 'A' grades in all the courses…math…sciences…literature…geography…history…I was good in everything except sports…I was uncoordinated. I was an uncoordinated nerd…And this simple fact made me different… That was the cause of all the bullshit I soon began to live…

My two first years at school were good, not great, but good…I had a few friends, if one could call them friends. They were more acquaintances than friends. This all stopped in grade 3. I was 8 years old, and slowly the kids in my class began to intimidate me. They began to reject me…and it went on for three years. I was the last to be chosen when they made their teams to play sports. They excluded me when there were special events outside of class, like birthdays and outdoors activities. Nobody invited me. Nobody wanted to play with me during recess. I was alone…always so alone… Then some of those bullies began to wait for me after class. They made fun of me by tripping me up on my way home, punching me, hitting me and throwing my schoolbag in the water or in the mud. I was very often their punching bag. I was unable to fight back…how could I do it…when there were four kids against me…I endured them and it worsened…

My parents knew there was something wrong with me. I began to have dreadful nightmares ...At first; I would not talk at all. I kept the secret for three years. My marks in school were not as good. I began to lose my appetite and lose weight. I had a temper, too, at home. I was impolite and aggressive… And I began to hate school…Every morning I dreaded going to school. I knew the bullies were waiting for me…to tyrannize me before and after school and during the recess, even during classes when the teacher was not looking.

One day after school as I was going to take my schoolbag to put my books in it, I discovered a dead rat in it…and a note _a rat for a rat._ That's the day I decided to talk to my parents. They went to the principal who could not do anything, because I refused to give names. I was not a stool pigeon.

My dad Carlisle and my mother Elizabeth decided to sell the house and to move…They did that for me…They did that because they loved me….but the damage was done…The venom was in me…Three years of suffering was enough…I could not bear anymore pain. I developed a wall of indifference and selfishness.

The shy, sensitive boy was dead…I became a hard, unruly, delinquent teenager. In high school, I began to associate with rapacious, drug dealers and very bad students. I took boxing lessons and self-defence classes. I had a personal fitness trainer. I sold drugs to minors, I was a minor myself. I discovered the power of my beauty and intelligence. I had sex with a lot of girls, using them as toys and then throwing them away like rubbish when I was done. I provoked fights, getting in brawls for whatever reason. Just a look from a guy could lead me to violent outbursts. I was Edward Masen, the provocateur, the agitator, the drug dealer, the fighter and the sexiest guy in high school. I was the best manipulator. From the intimidated, I became the intimidator. I was now eighteen years old…I was a pimp with many girls working for me…I had not lived with my parents for a year…I was their failure, in a way, I supposed…Maybe I was my own failure, too…but I did not give a fucking damn…I had so much resentment and hate in my heart…And I had an ultimate goal…one day I would return to Forks and beat the shit out of those boys…I would track them down and make their lives a living hell.

* * *

**A/****N: This is the end of chap.1. As I will go on we will go deeper into the pasts of Bella and Edward…before their current lives…some very painful memories…and in the present moment too…They are both seeking revenge…At this point of their existences they don't give a shit about anyone…They can be very cruel in a way…but who are we to condemn them with the background they have…**

**Leave me some love and review…This is hard for me to write….maybe I have some demons in my heart too…Love you all…France xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is the second ****chapter…This chapter is dedicated to my son and my friends…Thanks for your support… I love you…**

********A special note to the readers…secondary two…is in High School…I am Canadian…so here…in Canada…where I live… secondary two is the second year in High School…**

**My mother tongue is French. I hope that there are no mistakes in my text…My ultimate goal is to be perfectly bilingual…I love English and I truly do my best to write a story with no mistakes…**

**The characters belong to S.M…Thanks for your saga…In 'HOPE' they belong to me…**

HOPE chap.2

WHEN LIFE IS SAD

BELLA

_Flashback__… (Bella…8 years old to ten years old)_

I was not a happy child; why should I smile? There was never a thing that could make me smile. This life was just an existence of pain and suffering…even when the sun was shining, there was rain in my heart…

I hated my foster families. There was no love for me, ever…just screaming, battering, privation and abuse.

I never stayed long in a family too. They got rid of me as soon as it was unbearable…for them and for me.

Not that I didn't try… I wanted to be loved… but I guessed I was born under an unlucky star…

I tried to be nice at the beginning. But everything I did was not correct…and if it was correct, well, all they were looking for was the slightest fault…and then, there was more beating and… more bruises.

So, I stopped being nice and polite…

I began to be arrogant and aggressive.

When I was eight, I remembered…I think…this really began to be hell on earth.

The foster parents had five children…not their children…no, children, who were orphans or who have been neglected or abandoned by their parents. Poor kids…just like me…who were just seeking for love and dreaming of a happy life.

At that time, I was a freaking nervous child. I was not talkative either. The two previous families that I'd been living with had already marked me. I was like an animal…I felt like an animal trapped in a cage.

At the age of eight, I was still wetting my bed. The first night I slept in this new foster house…was the first time I had to sleep in my own urine.

Mrs. Newton was a tall, severe woman. I had never seen her smile…She was a cantankerous, vile, and a wicked person. Her husband, Mike Newton, was not better. He was a drunkard, aggressive and violent man.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I had a very fearful nightmare; the same nightmare that came back, almost every night…the corpse of my dead mother laying on the floor, and me, sitting next to her, trying to wake her up.

As soon as she heard me screaming, Jane Newton came to the bedroom. She grabbed me by the hair and slapped me on the face…not just once…at least four times….

Then, when she realized that my bed was wet, as well as my sheet…she called her husband. He climbed up the stairs, unbuckled his belt and he began to hit me…Hard and for a long time…I didn't count…but as I was crying…He told me that he would continue as long as I would cry.

I stopped crying and clenched my teeth…He finally stopped and pushed me on the bed.

"So Swan…eight years old…still wetting your bed…Little bitch…Why do you think is a bathroom for? Jane Newton yelled at me. You want to wet your bed…well…sleep in it…and don't dare change your pyjamas…and tomorrow…maybe I'll allow you to change your sheet…and no breakfast for you…" Nothing to drink…nothing to eat…Do I make myself clear? She said in an aggressive voice.

"Yes" I answered.

"Yes…what? And look at me…fucking idiot"…She added, slapping me again.

"Yes, Mrs. Newton". I answered in a clipped voice, my eyes pricking and bringing tears to my eyes.

"Are you crying again?" Mr. Newton asked…Do you want me to unbuckle my belt again?"

"No sir"…I am not crying…"

"Go back to sleep and shut your fucking mouth this time"

I didn't sleep a wink. I was so afraid to have that nightmare again.

The next morning, they sent me to school; almost kicking me out of the house. I was hungry and thirsty. And my back, my legs and my buttocks were covered with bluish bruises.

I was not good at school. I knew I was clever, but I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was just so hungry all the time. I had this constant headache. My empty stomach was giving me terrible migraine.

Lunchtime was not better. The lunch box was always almost empty…No fruits…no vegetables, no cheese, no dessert; just a plain sandwich with a slice of meat and a bottle of water. How could a child be concentrated when the only thing she was thinking about was food?

I envied all the other kids when they opened their lunch boxes. It looked so delicious, so appetizing. Sometimes, a student would share his lunch with me, an apple, a slice of cheese, a cookie…Those days, I was almost happy…but that did not happen often.

When I was back at my foster house, hell went on.

As soon as I was in the house, me as well as the other kids, we were sent to our room. My life was like that; days in school and nights and week-ends in the bedroom. No T.V…no activities…no time to play outside…Every kids had household chores…and we'd better do our chores the perfect way…and it was never perfect. Everything was a cause to more battering and bruises.

The food they served was disgusting… The meat was hard to chew, the vegetables were not fresh and everything was soaking in a tasteless sauce… The milk was artificial; made of a powder and water…and full of lumps…

One time, I brought up a part of my meal. Jane Newton was so mad. She slapped me directly on the mouth and forced me to eat all the food that I had vomited…

That was my life…I began to harden my temper…There was a rage slightly building inside me. Life was not fair. Life was a pain. I began to answer back and to argue. My tone was aggressive. The more they hit me, the harder I was. I began to laugh when they were screaming. I laughed harder when they beat me.

I was not nice with the other kids as well. I was a bad leader. I stole things from the fridge and hid them under the mattress. I threatened the small children who were living in the house. I forced them to do my chores when the Newtons were not in the house. I was becoming a bad child.

At school, I was not better. I began to play hooky. And when I was at school, I was looking for fights and enjoying the company of bullies. Weak kids were afraid of me and I was having fun making them suffer…I didn't give a damn about learning what the teachers taught. All I was looking for was trouble. Trouble inside the class…trouble outside the class. I was impolite and aggressive…My fun was to disrupt the class and to clown around. They suspended me…but I didn't care. Each time I was suspended, The Newtons beat me…but I didn't care either…At that time, I was a frail child…but my heart was so much seething with rage, that I could face any kids without fear. I didn't hesitate a second to provoke anyone who would try to confront me. I felt so powerful and so strong...As time flew by, nobody would try to fight against me. That was when I began dreaming of growing up fast…That was when I realized that my only wish was to become an adult, and to crush all the people who had hurt me in the past or would hurt me in the future.

The first time I ran away, I was ten years old…I ran away with a kid at school… Tyler was his name. I wandered in the woods for three days… We stole food from a convenience store and hid in a shack in the woods. The police finally caught us.

The Newtons didn't want me back…So the state sent me back to the orphanage…and I waited six months before a new foster home wanted to have me…

* * *

EDWARD

_Flashback__ … (Edward…8 years old to thirteen years old)_

I was so afraid…afraid all the time…and they were always waiting for me.

I used to love school. Now, I dreaded it.

I knew they were on the road; somewhere waiting for me.

I was not a strong child. I was even small for my age. I was the smallest kid in my class.

I used to be good at school. I was the best student with the highest marks.

Not now. My marks followed my mood. I couldn't concentrate at school. All I could concentrate on was that fear that was ravaging my insides.

Aro, James, Laurent and Sam were the cause of my fear. They were the ones who were making my life a living hell. They were my predators and I was their prey.

They knew I was afraid. And they enjoyed all the time, they made me suffer. They were bullies and I was their victim.

Every school day, it was the same. They were waiting for me…before class and after class. As soon as they would see me, they would come out of nowhere and surrounded me. They made fun of me; tripping me up when I was walking…laughing scornfully at my own expense and at my own weakness.

They would open my schoolbag and steal my pencils…or break them…

They would grab my books, spit on the pages or throw them in the mud and tear my homework in pieces.

They would open my lunch box and steal everything that was looking delicious.

And every day they would punch me, push me and call me names.

"Hey…Masen…hey…loser…"…imbecile…idiot…"

"Look at him…Is he going to cry??...Hey…Masen…Are you a gay? Faggot ...Do you want to suck my dick? ..."

"Hey…Wimp…Answer…When we talk to you."

"Leave me alone, please…" Why do you do that to me? ...Please, leave me alone…"

"Leave me alone…Oh! Oh! ...Mama's boy is going to cry…. "

If I tried to run away from them, it was worst. They were much faster than me. Then, it was more beating, more pushing and shoving.

I arrived at school, my pursuers following me closely. When we met someone, they acted as if we were the best friends in the world. And I knew I couldn't talk to anyone because they threatened to make my life harder if I opened my mouth.

One day, my dog came back home from the woodland that was behind our house…one of its leg broken…I was almost sure they were responsible…

Six months later, I found my dog... dead….I knew they were responsible of his death.

I knew it, because Sam had my dog's collar around his wrist the next morning…and he was laughing….

In school, it was not better. There were notes in my locker with insults written on it.

Every time, the teacher was not looking, I received bits of erasers or papers at the back of my head. They forced me to do their homework.

And I had no friends. Because the others students were afraid of them and Sam…the leader of the gang told the kids to not speak to me. I was afraid, secluded and alone.

I was never chosen in teams as well. The teacher always had to ask children to work with me.

I was not good at sports. So when we were in gym, I was completely inefficient. And that was another reason to make the bullies laugh at me.

They called me names and hit me whenever they had a chance to do so.

I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't talk to my parents either.

My mother Elizabeth knew there was something wrong. I began to have nightmares and my marks went down. I didn't want to go to school. Even if she tried to know what was going on, I refused to talk. And I began to invent false illnesses and excuses. School was boring, I didn't like the teacher, I had nauseas…I had a terrible headache…whatever excuses I could find to miss school, I spilled them out.

My parents went to school to meet the teacher and the principal. I was not cooperative at all. The teacher told them that I was not concentrated in class.

They took me to the psychologist…I refused to talk…

They took me to the doctor who told them there was nothing wrong with me. I was a bit under weight for my age but I was growing up…he told them that I would certainly gain weight soon.

I began to be aggressive and impolite at home…

I was now in grade 6…I was eleven years old…three years I've been enduring that hell…

And as the years passed, the bullies were harder on me…

More violent, more aggressive…verbally violent and physically violent…

They hit me harder…

They stole my watch…I told my parents, I lost it.

They broke my glasses… I told my parents that I dropped them on the sidewalk.

They wrote 'Faggot' on my coat…I threw it in the garbage and they never noticed.

Then one day, at the end of the school day, as I was shoving my books in my bag, I saw a dead rat in my schoolbag…a dead rat…and a note…_a rat for a rat…_ a poisoned gift from my intimidators.

I lost my temper and began to scream and to hit the teacher who was trying to calm me down.

That was the last time I went to this school. That was the last time I saw Sam, Laurent, Aro and James. My parents sold the house and we left Forks…

But I knew deep in my heart that the damage was done. Nobody would hurt me…_ever_... It was my turn now…My life has been a hell…The other would live hell as well.

My parents moved out of the country. I was now living in Canada. I loved my new house and I was finally far away from my intimidators…They couldn't hurt me anymore.

My father had applied for a job at Mc Gill University which was located in Montreal. My mother wanted to take a break. As she was a well-known actress, she was not afraid of being forgotten and she already had received two scripts from Canadian producers.

I loved my new environment. I began to follow boxing lessons and self-defence classes. I went to the gym and my parents paid for a personal fitness trainer.

I hated school…not the school in itself…but I didn't give a damn about being attentive… It was boring and I was not interested…and I loved disturbing the classes…I laughed at the teachers and was suspended a lot of times…but I didn't fucking care.

In school, except for the classes… everything was okay…okay for me…but not so funny for others…My marks were good. I was able to learn by myself…I didn't have to listen to all the bullshit and the stuff the teachers were teaching us…Just looking in my books was enough me…

I was growing up…I was stronger…I was beautiful…I was self-confident…

When my parents decided to move…nobody knew me. I was a complete stranger…I've made a promise to myself…They would know who Edward Masen was…

The sooner…the better…

Time flew fast….I was now in secondary two…Two years had already passed…And I had friends…I was always looking for the bad guys…And the bad guys, I founded. Those were the kind of friends I needed in my life.

Not weak friends…No…I got acquainted with Jake… a tough guy…a drug dealer…and his friends were mine…tough, rough, bad and delinquents…He was the leader of a gang. Emmett, Jasper, Peter, Embry and Quil were in his gang as well…They were trouble makers…and that is what I was looking for…making trouble was my motto.

I was thirteen and Jake was sixteen…I was not afraid of anyone, anymore…

**End of chapter 2**

**A/N: Thanks to my readers…As I told you this story is painful to write. I'll go in the present time as well as in the past time of both Edward's and Bella's life. Tell me what you think…**

**Leave me love and review…Love you **_**France**_** xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is the third chapter of 'HOPE'. Thanks to my readers. Thanks t****o all of you who alert and fav that story.**

**Note the readers…My mother tongue is French. I try to write a text with no mistakes. I love English… My ultimate goal is to master the language. So I hope this chapter has no errors.**

**The characters belong to S.M. Thank you for your amazing saga. In 'HOPE' they belong to me.**

HOPE

BAD BEHAVIOR chap.3

BELLA

_Flashback__ (Bella…14 years _old)

Since the time, I've been living with Jane and Mike Newton and sent back to the orphanage, four years had passed.

Four years and three different foster homes.

They were not better than the previous ones…except the last one.

Esme Cullen was a hell of a nice woman. She was a caring and charming woman. She was a widow. Her husband Charlie died from a lung cancer two years before the state sent me to her place. They have been fostering children since they were a young couple. They couldn't have kids of their own, so they both decided to take in orphans or abandoned children and to give them a home and love.

At the beginning, I was still a rebellious and arrogant girl. That was my usual behaviour. That was the way I could protect myself. I could throw violent fits of anger for the slightest thing that annoyed me. I was stubborn as hell and would not take any order from anybody. In my head, nobody had the right to control me; if the foster parents could not deal with my aggressive temper that was just fucking too bad for them.

I was still a terror with the other kids…They would do what I wanted. I was my own boss and I would be their boss as well.

But Esme Cullen was not giving up easily. She kept talking to me and loving me even if I was not an easy teenager to deal with. Whenever I would throw a fit, she would take time to calm me down and to talk. Gradually, she succeeded to bring down my walls of anger, indifference and selfishness.

I was well treated…For the first time in my life…

The house was huge and spacious. Every kid had his own bedroom. And every room was well furnished and decorated. Esme was a wealthy woman. Her parents and her husband had left her a considerable amount of money. We had activities and we were all going to private school.

The food was exquisite and we were never lacking of anything.

I began to gain weight. For the first time of my life, I was really happy. I was the older kid in the house. There were three other children, from age nine to thirteen, one boy and two other girls.

We were well dressed. We only wore designer clothes.

I was growing up…and I was a beautiful young lady. I had beautiful, long, shiny mahogany brown hair, almost waving down to my waist. My eyes were big and dark chocolate-brown. My skin was pretty…the color of ivory. Esme often repeated me that my beauty was a gift. She would brush my hair for hours and try different ways of styling it. She showed me how to make up my face; how to use the perfect color of eye shadow, how to fix mascara, how to choose the perfect tint of lipstick. She was an angel and she made me discovered a new feeling…love…

I began to help her in the kitchen. She was a great cook and she taught me a lot.

We could spend hours in the kitchen, trying different recipes. I learnt how to make pastries, how to cook a turkey, how to make pasta…how to make jam…

It was certainly the happiest time of my life.

My school marks were fairly good… I was not a in a regular class though…I've missed so much school in the past…I had to catch up…I was approximately two years behind at school. But as I was really studying hard, I was catching up really well.

It went on for a year…I was happy and almost always in a good mood.

Then one day came the shadow. The shadow was seventeen years old. The shadow was now living with us…and the shadow was bad. He was sitting at the kitchen table every night with us.

A night, when the house was silent, the shadow began to visit my room at the wee hour of the morning. When the shadow entered my room, it was horrendous and darker than ever.

I could feel the shadow's pressure inside, out.

I could feel his filthy embrace.

I could smell and taste his putrefied breath.

I could feel his hands all around and on me; his heavy body crushing mine.

I could feel the shadow crawling in me; his sweatiness covering my body and his wetness filling my inside. He would tie my hands and put his hand on my mouth and keep me from screaming.

The shadow was tall, powerful, strong and cruel.

I couldn't do anything against him…So I endured it. I endured the pain he inflicted to me and kept my mouth shut.

And I was terrified and ashamed. I was afraid of the look in his eyes; his dark brown eyes that were burning with violence and rage.

I could feel his dark heart beating and I almost wished that my own heart would stop.

He wanted to control me, to humiliate me, to hurt me and to punish me. He wanted to possess me physically and mentally.

It was the descent into Hell.

The shadow had a name. The shadow's name was Jason Jenks…and I hated him…

I endured him during six months…Then one day I had enough…

I walked into his bedroom…he was sound asleep and obviously drunk…as he always was…every night.

I took a permanent marker that was on his desk…

I wrote the words …fucking rapist…on his walls…and on his stomach….

And I left a note to Esme Cullen…

_Dear, Esme…_

_Please, get rid of Jason__._

_He is bad._

_Don't try to save him._

_He is a child abuser._

_Don't let him do what he did to me… to the other kids._

_Protect the other kids._

_I can't stay here anymore._

_Don't try to find me._

_I will always love you._

_Bella xxx_

I took two backpacks full of clothes, two hundred dollars and left.

I was now sixteen years old and on the streets. No home, no place to go to…Two backpacks of clothes and two hundred dollars to help me survive for awhile.

EDWARD

_Flashback__ (Edward…14 years old)_

I was sitting with Jake, Jasper and Emmett at a table in the school's cafeteria.

Rosalie and Alice were sitting with us. Rosalie was Emmett's steady girlfriend and Alice was Jasper's girlfriend…Even if they were in love…in love being a very questionable assessment…they had many others girls keeping them company.

Sex was very important to them; they used girls as toys, seeking for physical pleasure… and carnal acts…

Alice and Rosalie didn't seem to mind. In fact, I was pretty sure they were sleeping with other guys as well. They loved being well dressed and were in a way treated as princesses. Money was not a problem in the gang.

We all sold drugs, we stole houses and we were pickpockets as well.

Jake was our leader and the drugs ring was very well organized.

We were never caught…someday we would…I was positive about it…

If the cops intended to come to school, Jake was warned before they would turn up…

A friend of Jake, Alex, was a cop…He was an informer and he was a member of our gang.

Every time the cops would come to school, they couldn't find a thing.

Alex would also give us the addresses of wealthy people who were on holidays… That way we could steal houses without being bothered…

He was also a genius in deactivating alarm systems…and who could be suspicious of a policeman breaking into a house…

As soon as the alarm was deactivated, he would call Jake…We would break into the house and steal every thing that was valuable…mostly jewels and money…

Yep, business went well. I had a lot of money. It was easy and dirty money but I didn't give a shit… I had no remorse…I was strong, beautiful and rich, feared and respected…

I had the girls I wanted. Just a wink, a smile and nice words and that was it.

I knew how gorgeous I was. At the age of fourteen years old, I was almost six feet tall. My eyes were deep green-emerald. I didn't wear glasses anymore. I had contact lenses and girls were crazy about the color of my eyes and the way I was dazzling them.

They loved my messy hair and my sculpted body. I could feel it. I was quite muscled. I was at the gym everyday after school. I trained a lot…I had well developed biceps, broad shoulders, strong muscled arms and thighs and a well chiselled chest.

I was always nice at the beginning with the girls…When I found a girl attractive, even if she had a boyfriend, I didn't give a fucking damn…I was a predator and they were my preys. Even the way I walked…like a feline…the girls were absolutely crazy of my animalistic and confident way of walking…

I knew it because when I was moving from one class to another, I could see the girls staring at me, from head to toe, and when I stared my eyes deeply into their eyes, I could see their faces blushing and flushing.

No girls could resist to me.

As soon as my mind was set, if I wanted a girl, sure as my name was Masen, that girl would finish in my bed…

If I wanted a blow job…I didn't have to wait for long a time.

If I wanted to fuck…it was the same.

Jessica, Tanya, Irina, Kate, Maggie, Mary, Charlotte…name them…they were always ready for me.

Sometimes, I didn't even remember their names…

I was their pusher as well.

I was not a heavy smoker….I only smoked weed…

So I made them try…I was a manipulator and I knew how to encourage them to try it…

It would relax them…It would be more pleasant when we would make love…they would experience new feelings…and it fucking worked all the time.

I was not the one selling hard drugs…I made my point clear to Jake, Emmett, Jasper, Quil, Peter and Embry….They were the one to sell more _effective_ drugs.

I was the starting point…And I was the best at convincing students to give a try…What they did after was none of my fucking business.

If they wanted to ruin their lives and to become addicts…I didn't fucking care.

At home, it was not fun. My mother and father didn't know how to deal with me. My marks were good at school but that was the only thing they were proud of. I was aggressive and impolite. I didn't respect the curfews they tried to impose on me. I didn't call them when I decided to sleep outside of the house. I was my own boss and I didn't accept any rules.

They threatened me to send me to my uncle's house…but I threatened them back. I would run away and they wouldn't see me anymore… _as if I never existed_…

So they began to ignore me…and that was correct with me…as long as I had a roof under my head…I didn't give a shit…

I was now sixteen years old. Girls began to work for me…I always chose weak girls…girls who were seeking affection and love. At the beginning; I would treat them as princesses…gifts…clothes…restaurants…movies… and free drugs…

As soon as they were in love with me…I would introduce them to other guys.

And I would convince them to offer sexual services… That would mean gifts for them…and money for me…

I never beat a girl…I never slapped a girl…I was just using my charm…

I told them that I loved them….and that I was willing to share…not their love…just their bodies…

And they believed me…

I was bad….I knew it…I didn't have a guilty conscience…there were some limits I imposed to myself…I would never hit a woman…I would never be violent with a woman.

I had my own ways to do things…

And above all, I knew the power of my seduction.

**End of chapter 3**

**A/N: I know…this chapter is quite painful…Bella had found a sort of happiness, when she was living with Esme Cullen, but it didn't last long…now, she is back on the streets…She is only sixteen years old…What she will do? Where will she go?**

**Edward says he is self-confident and that he has no conscience… he says he is bad… and he is…but he would never hit a girl…Does he have a conscience after all?**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Give me love and review…I would be so happy to share comments with you…**

**I love you all…**

_**France **_**xxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: HOPE… chap.4**

**Hello to my lovely readers. Thanks to all of you who alert and fav my story. **

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

*******This story deals with abuse, neglect and intimidation…It can be quite painful to read.***

**Special note to the readers: My mother tongue is French. I love English and try to write a text with no mistakes. My ultimate goal is to master the language perfectly.**

HOPE  chap.4

ON MY OWN

EDWARD

_Flashback (Edward__...eighteen years _old)

I was now living with Jake and Emmett. My parents threw me out of their house, having enough of my delinquent behaviour.

The night they decided that they couldn't endure my bad attitudes anymore, was the night I came home with a car.

I had my driver's license since I was sixteen years old.

I was now eighteen, and Jake had decided that it was about time, I had my own car.

It was a grey Volvo and I was pretty happy about it.

I didn't know where the car came from. I didn't know if it was stolen…my buddies had their own way with the serial numbers… and their own way to get fake documents and registrations.

If it was stolen…I didn't fucking care. I felt safe and Jake wouldn't have given me a car that would bring me into some trouble of any kind.

But I was in trouble at home.

When my parents saw the car parked in the alley, the questions began.

"Hello Edward." My father said.

"Is there someone with you?" My mother asked.

"No, I am alone".

"There is a grey Volvo in the driveway…Whose car is it?" My father asked.

"It is my car…"

"How come you have a car?" My mother asked in a very surprised voice.

"Jake gave it to me."

"Why would Jake give you a car?" Carlisle added in an angry voice.

"For rendered services" I answered in a boring tone.

"What kind of services?" Are you still selling drugs, Edward…?"

"None of your fucking business" I snapped back at them.

"You live here Edward…You will do as you are told…You give that car to Jake immediately…Call him…"

"No fucking way…This is my car and I keep it…" You won't tell me what to do…I am eighteen years old and I am an adult. You are not my boss and I'll do what I want."

"Is this your last word?" Carlisle added, almost yelling at me.

"Fucking sure it is…Leave me alone…and mind your own fucking business."

"Okay, Edward…That's it…You want to live your own life…so live it the way you want." Tomorrow I want you to leave the house…get your own place…go with your friends….They seem to be your family…I can't endure it anymore. We've tried to help you. We don't recognize you. I won't call the police…I could…some days you will be caught…selling drugs… and I am pretty sure this is a stolen car…You are bad Edward…and I don't consider you as my son anymore…Go away and don't ever come back."

"If it is your decision…well…okay with me…I don't give a shit…" And I am not waiting a single hour…I am packing my stuff right now…and you won't hear of me…ever…as is I've never existed…" I don't give a fucking damn…I have enough money to be on my own…" I snapped back at them.

I called Jake and asked him if I could live at his place for awhile. There was no fucking problem with it.

I packed my stuff and left the place. I never saw my parents again…and I didn't fucking care.

It was fun leaving with Jake and Emmett… I had no curfew…even if I did not respect curfew's hours when I was at home. I could do what I want now and nobody told me what to do.

Jake was a sort of a boss…He was the leader of the gang, but he respected me, and never tried to impose on me something I didn't want to do.

I kept recruiting girls; selling drugs to them, treating them as princesses, and when they were ready, they would accept to offer sexual services to guys, because they were in love with me, and they would do anything to please me.

The girls I chose were eighteen years old and over.

I didn't want to have anything to do with minors anymore; that was another of my rules…No minors and no beating.

I was beautiful than ever; six feet two, muscled and in top shape.

My body was my ultimate power. I took care of it. No drugs, except for weed sometimes, no strong alcohol, and I took a special care with the food I ate; no junk food, just healthy food.

The girls were crazy about me.

I was the best manipulator in the gang. I think that is why Jake and the others respected me so much.

I was always the starting point. That was my job.

Five girls were working for me. And nobody touched my girls… I mean if I found those girls were special…The gang didn't try to sell hard drugs to them. I was their only boss and they would only listen to me.

If I found a girl that was of no interest, I would introduce her to the other members of the gang. What they did after was none of my fucking business.

My girls were always the same type; beautiful, with long, brown hair, brown-chocolate eyes, ivory skin, and slender. And they had to have a painful past.

It was much easier with girls who were seeking for attention and love.

I always treated them nicely but they had to do what I ordered.

I was in no hurry and I always succeeded with them.

I had a ton of patience...My goal was to make them fall in love with me…They thought I was in love …I was not…I was in love with the power I had on them. They thought I was their boyfriend in a way… I played the game, but I was not…I was their master. As long as they would listen to me…everything would be perfect. If they began to argue and to want exclusivity, I sent them back on the streets.

Every time I noticed a girl who would be a nice prey, I began to talk to her.

Some of them were living on the streets. Some of them were not happy with their lives. And as they were adults, there was no problem with their families. The families didn't even know where to find their daughters.

I used my charm and my sexual attraction. I knew how to dazzle a girl.

I knew how to talk. I knew how to listen. I knew how to convince.

I would offer them gifts, flowers and new clothes.

I would offer them facial cares and massages…I would pay for the hairdresser.

I would offer them free drugs.

And they would have a roof. I already had rent an apartment for them.

They all fell in love me.

And they didn't even mind with the fact that I was sleeping with all of them.

I made them understand that I loved each of them in a different way…That they were all special and that nobody was more important than the other ones.

When I felt that it was the time, I would convince them to offer sexual services to men.

And they would do that for me, because they loved me and they would do it to please me.

Sometimes it was harder to get my way.

I used my power of persuasion. I would tell them that they were all my girls and that I loved them.

I would convince them that they were just offering their bodies, but that their hearts belong to me.

It would be easy money…I could take care of them and nobody would hurt them.

I was their protector and they were _my girls._

One night, one of my girls went back home, with a black eye, a cut lip and bruises on her arms…and she was crying.

"What the hell happened to you? I asked her in an angry voice.

"He beat me Edward. He grabbed me by the arms, slapped and punched me…I kicked him in the balls and I ran away…" Lizzie added in a clipped voice…

"Okay, baby, calm down. Let me see your eye and your lip…"

I went to get some ice in the fridge and an ointment to put on her lip.

I was furious and almost out of control, but I kept my rage inside.

"Now, baby…put the ice on your eye…and here…put this ointment on your lip…I am going to wait for Renée…she will be here soon… And I am going to see that bastard…No fucking way a man would beat my girls"…I added in a smooth voice.

"No please Edward don't go…That guy is violent…He will hurt you…"

"Nobody is going to hurt me baby…Don't be afraid…He is the one who will get hurt…"

As soon as Renée came in, I went out. I knew where to find that man. He was a regular client at the Pussycat bar…

I parked the Volvo in a dark space, at a fair distance from the bar, and I entered the bar. He was sitting on a stool and drinking a beer.

I walked directly to the bar and sat next to him.

"Hey hello Marcus…How was your night? Did you enjoy your evening?"

"Hey, Masen…I am happy to see you…By the way…That bitch you sent me…What's her name again?...Lizzie…She doesn't know how to do a blow job…Fuck…Teach her how to do it! ..." The little bitch almost bit me…"

"Oh…sorry about that Marcus…Come outside…I have another gift for you…She is waiting for you in my car."

"Oh…okay…just let me finish my beer…"

"No, no time for the beer…Let me pay your bill and let's go outside…"

"Okay…I follow you…I hope the other girl is better that the slut you sent me."

"No problem man…She is the best…Now come…"

He followed me to the car…It was dark and nobody was in sight.

He looked in the car and saw that there was not a living soul sitting in the car.

"Where the fuck is she? Marcus said in an angry voice.

"There is nobody here Marcus, except you and me…So you like beating girls…" I snapped at him.

"She didn't know what to do with her fucking mouth…I paid for a blow job…All I could feel were her fucking teeth…"

"Shut your fucking mouth…You beat my girl…and nobody touches my girls…

I grabbed him by the shoulders and began to punch him…The harder he tried to defend himself…the harder I punched him …His face was covered with blood and I didn't fucking mind…I grabbed him by the balls and squeezed them the harder I could…and I broke his arm…

"Now remember… you fucking bastard…if ever I heard about you…if ever you touch one of my girls…I am going to fucking kill you…and don't even try to go to the police…I know some guys would be willing to rip your balls off…Do you understand?...Now get out of my sight…right now…before I break your other arm…"

I pushed him on the sidewalk, slipped in my Volvo, turned on the ignition, revved the engine angrily and drove back to my girls' apartment.

BELLA

_Flashback (__Bella sixteen years old to seventeen years old)_

The first four nights, I stayed in a dilapidated hotel room. It was sordid and dirty. It was almost unfit for habitation. It smelled old carpets, humidity, mildew, tobacco and sex.

At least, I was not on the streets. I had a place to sleep and a place to take a shower.

It didn't last long…Two hundred dollars was not a lot of money when you had to pay for a room and to buy food.

On the fifth night, as I couldn't pay the room, the owner threw me out.

Now I was on the streets and I began to seek for refuges; some provided fair enough good services but other ones were bad.

Some of them offered rooms for homeless people like me. But sometimes, there were no rooms available, so I just stayed there for the day, and would eat the meals they would kindly offer to us. I loved 'Le bon Dieu dans la rue' and 'La Mission Bon accueil'. Those were good refuges and the people who worked there were nice people.

Some nights, there were no rooms for me; I would sleep on the streets. I would seek for abandoned houses, interior garages and any places that would protect me from the rain and the cold.

I would go to some restaurants and I would thrash cans to get some food.

One night when there was no place at the refuge, I got acquainted with a gang of punks who lived in a squat house.

They were all squeegee people and I followed them during the days and began to do squeegism.

Unsolicited windows washing was not something accepted by the law, but it was mostly tolerated.

The cops tried to ignore us, but sometimes we would meet some policemen who would be more intolerant. So they gave us contraventions for public nuisance…which we wouldn't pay because the money we earned was just sufficient enough to buy food and sometimes weed.

I began to offer sexual services as well…just blow jobs…nothing more…

I hated every single minute of it, and I hated myself for doing it, but I had to survive and it was additional money.

There was a boy in the gang who was kind of my protector.

He was tall and heavy muscled…And he was nice.

His name was Max and he followed me every time I was with a client.

I recruited the clients on the streets. And it was always in the client's car.

Max waited for me, not far for from the car, and we shared the money I received from the client.

Sometimes, I would go back to the refuge and sometimes I was lucky enough to have a room. And Max was always with me. Then, just the fact to have a room for the night and to take a shower, I was almost happy.

It went on like this for six months.

One night, when I was with a client, the police arrested me and the client was arrested as well for being with a minor.

Three days later, I was sent to 'Le Centre Jeunesse De Montréal'. It was a detention centre for run away minors just like me.

I stayed there for three weeks, before a counsellor told me, that a certain Esme Cullen had been looking for me, and that she wanted me back with her.

I was in shock. Esme wanted me back, but I was not sure if I wanted to go back to live with her. Was Jason Jenks still living with her? If so, I wouldn't go back to her house.

I asked the permission to call her.

When, I heard her voice, I started to cry, and she was crying too. She told me that she had been looking for me for the past six months.

She told me that Jason was not living with them anymore. He had been arrested because he also had sexually abused Heidi, who was one of the other girls living with us, and that he was in detention since the day I left the house.

And she told me that she was coming to fetch me the next morning.

"No way will you stay there more than twenty-four hours. Tomorrow afternoon, you will be with me. I love you Bella. You shouldn't have left the house. You should have spoken to me. You are like a daughter to me. I love you darling."

"I love you too Esme. I am so sorry."

"Don't be sorry Bella. None of this was your fault. Jason was a rotten apple. I should have watched him…I should have been more perceptive…You don't know how guilty I feel…

"Don't blame yourself Esme…" It is none of your fault either. You just wanted to help. You didn't know how bad he was."

"I know honey…I know…We will talk about it tomorrow…See you…"

"Okay, Esme…I am going to wait for you…"

"Bye Isabella."

"Bye Esme. See you tomorrow."

The next morning I was ready and waiting.

The hours passed and I was getting more and more impatient.

The afternoon passed and I was still waiting.

The evening passed and I had no news. Why wasn't Esme here? She said she was going to be at the centre in the afternoon, and it was 9:00, and she was not here.

I asked the counsellor if I could call her. There was no answer.

The counsellor tried to calm me down. I was a real bunch of nerves and impatience.

Maybe she had changed her mind. Maybe she didn't want me anymore.

I went to bed at eleven. No news from Esme and I was terribly worried.

The next morning, the counsellor called me in his office.

He asked me to sit down and just by the look I saw in his eyes, I knew that there was something wrong.

"Bella…I have bad news for you…"

"What? ...What's going on? Where is Esme?" I asked him, almost yelling.

"Esme won't come Bella. She has been involved in a car accident."

"What? ...Is she hurt? ... I want to see her." Please, let me see her."

"She is dead Bella…I am so sorry."

I screamed and cried…Impossible…Esme was dead; my heart was hammering in my chest; a knot of painful emotions was in my throat…I lost my control and then everything went black.

**End of chapter 4**

**A/N: Poor Bella…How much more pain can she endure? How can life be so hard?**

**And Edward…He seems to be a sort of nice guy…but he is not…He is selfish and bad. Using girls, the way he is…****He doesn't love any of them. He loves his power.**

**Tell me what you think…I love**** to read your comments…Share your thoughts with me…**

**Give me love and review…I will reply…**

**PS: Le Bon Dieu Dans La Rue, La Mission Bon Accueil and Le Centre de Jeunesse De Montréal are real institutions. ****They help young teenagers and adults who are homeless…**

**I wrote another fanfiction story…The title is MY ALL…check on my profile for the link.**

**Love you **_**France **_**xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello to my readers. Thanks to all of you who review, alert and fav**** and give me their supports. **

**My mother tongue is French. I try to write a text with no mistakes. I truly love English and my ultimate goal is to master the language.**

**The characters belong to S.M. I love your stories. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**HOPE**

**Chap.5**

**THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE**

**BELLA **

_Flashback__ (Bella…seventeen)…and Present time… (Bella...eighteen years old)_

I went to Esme's funerals. It was, I think, the saddest day of my fucking life. The only person who ever cared for me was dead. She was in a hole, under the ground. The pain was all over my face. My eyes were filled with tears, and I was so full of sorrow. I was drowning in my own pain. I felt empty and dead. I was missing her presence so much. It was like there was a big hole in my chest. My lungs seemed to miss air. As if there was not enough air within. Esme was gone and I was alone again.

There were people around me but I didn't see them. As if they were nonentities.

I was living in Le Centre de La Jeunesse de Montréal. And I was on the list for a new foster home.

I felt depressed and utterly sad. The therapists, the psychologists and the counsellors tried to talk to me but I was not collaborating. I was grieving Esme, and there were no words strong enough they could tell me, that could soothe my physical and moral suffer. I wandered around like a lost soul; I was the shadow of my former self.

Six months after Esme's death, I was sent to a new foster home, still grieving, still depressed.

I didn't like that foster home either. I was more of a domestic than a fostered teenager.

I did every chore they asked me to do and kept my mouth shut.

I washed the floors, cleaned the house and took care of the younger kids.

I cooked the meals and that was the only time I almost enjoyed myself.

The foster parents were severe but at least there was no beating in that house.

Money they received from the state was their only interest, and as long as our chores were done, they didn't bother us.

I refused to go to school and they didn't force me to go to.

My only pastime was reading. There was a library near the house, and when I had free time, I would go and choose books dealing with any kinds of topics.

My life was boring, dull and sad. I knew someday, I would resurface. I didn't know how and I didn't know when. Maybe, deep in my heart there was still hope for a better life.

I stayed with The Volturi for six months. The day of my birthday was the day Aro and Renata Volturi threw me out of the house. The government was not giving money to foster parents when the kid reached the age of eighteen. So as I was no more of interest for them, they simply asked me to leave.

I was now again on the streets with a backpack and fifty dollars.

I took a cab and asked the man to drive me to 'La Mission Bon Accueil'.

Luckily for me, there were rooms available. I asked to talk to a counsellor and a woman went to fetch Mrs. Cope.

Mrs. Cope was a fifty years old woman, with short brown hair and deep blue eyes.

She was a nice and charming woman.

As soon as we were in her office, she offered me a coffee and we began to talk.

And I talked for hours. I told her about my life. I told her about my mom who was a drug addict and a whore. I told her about the different foster homes I've been sent to. I told her about the neglect, the battering and the sexual abuses. I told her about my life with Esme, and of the happiness that was in my heart when I was living with her. And I told her about the shadow. I told her about my life on the streets and the way I was earning money when I was on my own.

Mrs. Cope listened to me and there were tears in her eyes.

I talked and she listened without interrupting me.

I told her that I didn't want to go back on the streets. I wanted to work, to get a place of my own and to get some instruction. I, at least, wanted to complete Secondary Five, which was the last year in high school.

I told her that I had two goals in my life…evidently hiding from her that I had a third one…revenge…But that was something I was going to keep secret…I wanted a better life, and I would do everything in my power to do so.

But I needed help. I couldn't do it alone.

The next morning, Mrs. Cope came with me to her brother's restaurant. She knew he was looking for new staff, and she would do anything in her power to convince him to employ me.

I had no experience whatsoever, but I knew I was able to work in a restaurant. It was not a problem serving people and I could even help in the kitchen.

Felix Cope was a nice man and he accepted to employ me. At least, he would give me the chance to work and to see if I was able to do the job.

Our next stop was at one of Carmen Cope's friend. She had a house and rented rooms to women.

Angela Weber was forty years old. She was a beautiful woman with long black hair and green eyes.

I was lucky again. There was a room available. But there was a condition though. No men were allowed in her house. It was not a brothel and even a boyfriend would not be tolerated. And I didn't mind at all. My heart was closed for any kind of love relationship.

The marks the shadow had left on me were deep in my heart, and I despised the idea of even being touched.

Carmen Cope paid for the room…a month at her own expense.

I was embarrassed but I accepted with the promise to pay her back.

There were three angels in my life now; Carmen Cope, her brother Felix and her friend Angela.

Maybe life had decided to give me a chance. And I was ready to give myself a chance.

**EDWARD**

_Present time__ … (Edward eighteen years old)_

"Okay, girls sit down…Here are your schedules for tonight…"

Lizzie, Renée, Senna, Chelsea, Zafrina and Tia sat around the table.

"Renée, you have four clients. Senna, you have three. Chelsea, you have four, Tia, you have three and Zafrina you have one. You know Garrett and his particular tastes and he loves to spend the entire night with a girl…so…It will be just one for you."

"And Lizzie you are going to spend the night with me. You still have those bruises and I want all of them to be healed before you work. "

"And tomorrow, there will be no work for any of you. You have you blood tests in the morning and I think you all have a right to a day off… And I want you to get new clothes, so let's take a break."

"Oh! Nice, Edward…Thank you…they all answered almost at the same time.

My girls were on oral contraceptives and they always had condoms in their purses.

And they also had to have blood tests every six months. I never was entirely sure of the clients who wanted my girls and I didn't want to take any chances with my girls' health; as far as transmission of sexual diseases were something at risk.

"So Lizzie as you spend the night with me…What you would like to do? ... Anything special you are thinking of?"

"I would like to go outside if you don't mind…There's a movie I would like to see."

"Okay…Which movie would you like to see?" I asked Lizzie in a smooth voice.

"Dear John…It's a romantic story though…Do you mind Edward? …"

"Let's go for 'Dear John'… a little romance is not bad from time to time."

"Do you want to go to the restaurant before?"…It is your night baby…It is for you to decide…"

"Okay Edward…I would like to go to La Stanza…I love the chicken gratin they served there. "

"Okay for La Stanza then". I answered.

"Tia…Can you make up Lizzie's face and hide the bruises she has on her face. " I don't want those marks to be visible. Try to do your best and hide them." I asked Tia in a velvety voice.

Tia and Lizzie went in the bathroom. The other girls went to their bedroom to get prepared for their _work._

I knew how to treat me girls. Every night, a girl stayed with me, if I was not busy with my other jobs; recruiting new girls for the gang, selling drugs, stealing houses or stealing cars. I had meetings with the gang too.

Business was good. I knew it was dirty money, but I still didn't give a shit.

And I had a lot of money…I had enough money to buy a house and I was beginning to think about it. A house would mean more space and I could have more girls working for me…And I could live with them permanently…

But sometimes when I was alone in the apartment, I was thinking of my life.

What would be my life like if I had lived a normal childhood? If those fucking bastards had not ruined my life and destroyed my self esteem.

I was intelligent, I knew it…Maybe, I would have gone to the university and become a doctor…I always loved medical sciences.

Maybe I would have studied in music or arts…I always loved arts…and I loved music…

But no…Those bullies had ruined my life…and when I thought about it…I felt this rage in my heart…some days, I would pay them back…An eye for an eye…a tooth for a tooth…I would make sure they would suffer…

And I didn't like those thoughts…I didn't like to think about the life I was living now…

Sometimes, I was feeling bad…I was feeling guilty…

Then, I would take weed and try to push those thoughts away…but they kept coming…from time to time…

* * *

The girls were now ready to meet their clients.

I had my cell phone with me and I told them to call me if ever there was a problem.

I wished them a good night and went out of the apartment with Lizzie.

When I took one of my girls out on a date, there was anybody in the world more important than her.

She was my princess for the night and I was her prince.

We looked like two lovers and I wanted us to look that way.

I held her hand and kissed her. Tonight was Lizzie's night.

All my attention was concentrated on her.

I would take her to restaurant she wanted. We would go to watch that movie and after the movie we would go back to the apartment, take a shower together and we would make love.

The next night it would be Tia's turn.

And it would be special for her too.

That was the way I treated my girls…as long as they listened to me. I was their master…and they belong to me…

Maybe, deep inside I was guilty and ashamed…

But, this was my life…That was the life I had to deal with…Maybe my choices were bad…

They certainly were…but I would keep on living like this until the day I would take my revenge.

And after, I didn't know what my life would be like… only God knew…

**End of chapter 5**

**A/N: Bella is now on her own…Maybe life is finally giving her a chance…**

**She has a new job, she found a place to live and she dreams of completing high school…**

**Edward is still living his life and accepting his choices…but deep inside he is not feeling so well…he begins to question himself….and he feels guilty…**

**But both of them didn't forget their ultimate goal…..revenge…**

**Tell me what you think…will they pursue their goal? …or will they forget and forgive? ...And will they find happiness and peace…?**

**I love to read your comments…**

**Love you**

_**France**_** xxx **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6…**

**A/N: Thanks to all my readers… Thanks for your support and love. Thanks to all of you who alert and fav my story. **

**This story deals with abuse, neglect and intimidation. It is quite painful to write and I guess to read.**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**A special note to my readers. My mother tongue is French. I try to write a story with no mistakes. My ultimate goal is to master the language perfectly…Love you all…**

**HOPE**

**Chapter 6**

**FIRST ENCOUNTER**

**BELLA**

_Present time…__ (Bella…eighteen years old)_

I began to work at La Stanza the next day. It was a beautiful restaurant, and the people working with me were nice people.

Felix Cope was a good boss. A waitress was in charge of training me. It was not very hard for me to serve people, as I was used to do it with the kids and the foster parents when I was living in the different foster houses.

And receiving a salary for a job was something new to me. To have my own money, to administer a budget, to have money to buy clothes and to do my own grocery were all new experiences.

I began to have a feeling of independence and it made me happy.

Living at Angela's house was great too. There were four other girls living there. Victoria was twenty-five years old. She had long, curly, red hair, dark green eyes and was always in a good mood. She was studying in medical sciences, and she soon became a good friend of mine. The other girls were nice too. Bree was twenty-one years old, with short, blond hair and blue eyes. She was working in a clothes boutique. Lauren was twenty-two. She had long dark hair and brown eyes. She had lived a pretty hard childhood just like me. She was now working in a gym and she was also attending night classes. She wanted to become a gym teacher. Nessie was a tall nineteen years old girl, with long blond hair and blue eyes and she was working full time in a snack-bar.

It was fun living with them. I felt like I had a real family for the first time.

I never forgot Esme. She had been a kind of mother to me and I was happy living with her, until the shadow came.

But here now, with Angela and the others girls, it was an entirely new feeling…a sense of belonging…

We enjoyed our time together. It was friendly and pleasant.

And I felt in peace for the first time; no threatening, no abuse, no beating…Yes…I could say that was happiness.

I went to the bank with Angela and I opened a bank account. I began to deposit money in my account. I wanted to go back to school, and to have the necessary funds to take on the cost of the school fees.

Angela wanted to help me. I was embarrassed at first, because it had never been part of my life to receive gifts…except when I was living with Esme…

She offered to pay for all my school's books and exercise books.

There were establishments which offered night classes for young adults who had not completed high school.

One day, when I was not working we went to visit three schools.

I loved one school in particular. It was not far from the house and it looked like a nice place to attend classes.

I completed the registration form and I was accepted.

In one month from now, I would begin to go to school.

Two of my goals would be achieved soon…The first one was already achieved; I found a job and a place to live.

School would be the next…I had to complete Secondary Five.

My third goal, I hadn't forgotten …revenge…

**EDWARD**

_Two months later_

It was Senna's night. It was her turn to go out with me.

The other girls were already gone to work. I had my cell phone with me and they knew they could reach me if there was any kind of problem with the men they had to meet that night.

So I went out with Senna. She just wanted to go out for dinner, and then, she wanted to watch a movie at home after the dinner.

And she wanted to go at La Stanza. I knew this was one of my girls' favourite restaurants.

And as she was my princess for the night, I drove her to that place.

La Stanza was indeed a very beautiful restaurant. It was huge and pretty luxurious.

There was a big bar on the left and round tables in the middle. There was a second floor too. The walls were covered with white bricks and there were bay windows all around the place.

At the far end of the restaurant, there was an immense aquarium with beautiful tropical fish.

The food was always exquisite, the wine at the correct temperature and the desserts were delicious.

The owner of the place, Felix Cope greeted us as soon as we walked in, and asked us to follow him.

That was when I noticed her. She was the most beautiful girl I ever saw in my own life.

She had long brown hair, waving down in cascade to her waist. Her eyes were deep chocolate-brown. She was tall and slender…Her skin was pale ivory. She was magnificent…and her name was Isabella….as it was written on her badge.

She was our waitress for the night.

As soon as she looked at me, I knew I wanted that girl. She was my new challenge.

But she was working. I didn't know anything about her and I wanted to know more.

She didn't look like my other girls. She didn't seem to be a weak girl. She was not living on the streets.

But she looked tired. She had rings under eyes. And there was something in her eyes; a certain sadness …and even if she was smiling…there was something else…That girl was hiding something...and I had to know…

I kept staring at her with all the intensity of my deep emerald-green eyes, whenever Senna was not looking at me.

When Isabella was looking at me, I was smiling.

When she was behind the bar, I found excuses to go and ask for drinks.

And she was blushing when she was looking at me, and giving me the drinks I ordered.

I knew how to use my power and I would use it.

I wanted the girl and I would have her.

**BELLA**

What the hell was going on with that client? He was constantly staring at me and I was beginning to be really embarrassed.

True…he was gorgeous as hell…I never saw a man as beautiful as he was.

He was tall and muscled; his eyes were deep emerald-green, his hair untidy and brownish-cooper. His face was perfect; well defined jaws, a straight nose, perfects lips, a dimple in his chin, a strong neck…broad shoulders and sculpted thighs… which I could clearly see in his tight fit jeans…And why the hell was he always looking at me?

I never felt that way before.

I was never attracted to a man before. But the way he was looking at me…it was like he could see through me.

And he was with a girl…a very beautiful girl…that looked a bit like me…

I almost asked Felix if I could leave earlier. But I couldn't…There was a waitress who was sick tonight and he asked me if I could stand in for her tonight. So, I was stuck here with Mister-whatever-is your-name and I had to serve him.

Every time I was at the bar, he would come and ask for a drink.

At a moment, I went to the washroom, he followed me.

I went out of the washroom, he was there obviously waiting for me.

I walked back to his table, he was behind me.

Then, it was time for my break and I went out to smoke a cigarette…I was not a heavy smoker…but I was a real bunch of nerves and as soon as I was lighting my cigarette, he was there just next to me.

And he began to talk to me.

Even his voice was beautiful…

"Hmm… Excuse-me Isabella?" Do you mind if I stay here with you the time you finish your cigarette?"

"No…no…" I answered, feeling like an unarticulated idiot.

"I come here often…This is the first time I see you…Have you been working here for a long time, Isabella?"

"I've been working here for the past two months…I usually don't work at night…I am just standing in for a girl who is sick tonight."

"Oh…well…That is why it is the first time I see you…" Let me introduce myself. My name is Edward Masen."

"My name is Isabella Swan…Bella…"

"So, are you working tomorrow?" Edward asked with his velvety voice.

"Yes, I am….I served breakfast tomorrow…"

.

"Do you mind taking a coffee with me after your shift Bella?"

"I don't think it would be a good idea….Why do you want to take a coffee with me? …and I don't know you…

"It would be a nice occasion to get to you know you."…He added in a smooth voice…

"You don't answer my question…You are a complete stranger to me…" I retorted.

"Why do you want to want to take a coffee with me and why do you want to know me?"

"Humm…Bella, I don't have any specific reason. Let me just say, that I like meeting new people…I am a sociable person and maybe I would like to be your friend."

"Be my friend…That is a bit peculiar…Why would you like us to be friends, Edward? ... As I told you before…I don't know you at all."

"Just taking a coffee with me is not a real danger." He said, laughing this time.

"And I just want to talk to you, Isabella. "

"I don't see the point of you wanting to know me…And what would your girlfriend think about this?" I said.

"Oh…She is not my girlfriend…she works for me…"

"You seem pretty young to have employees…How old are you by the way?"

"To answer your first question…I have my own business…I sell cars, I sell all kinds of merchandises and I organise activities for people…I have business sense…it is part of me…And I am eighteen years old…"

"So Bella…yes or no…for the coffee…"

"Well, I don't know Edward…why not…but I must tell you Edward…I don't know what your intentions are…I don't date…I don't go out with any man…I am not interested…"

"So if you want to take a coffee and just talk, it is okay with me…if you want something else…you will be losing your time…".I added.

"That's fine with me…"I'll come tomorrow for breakfast and pay you a coffee after your shift."

"Okay then…Now if you want to excuse me…I have to go back…"

"Okay Bella….anyway my meeting with my employee is not over…See you tomorrow."

I walked back to the restaurant and Edward went back to his table.

I didn't know what to think about this conversation… He seemed a really nice guy…and my God…eighteen years old and running his own business.

And he was gorgeous as hell…But men….I didn't trust them…The men I had in my life were beasts…My dad….a pimp…Newton…a violent and aggressive man…The shadow…my worst nightmare….Volturi…a harsh and severe man. There was just Max who had been nice with me…And there was this guy at school. His name was Harry. We went out from time to time. But I was not dating him. We were just friends and that was all. Maybe this Masen was a nice guy…maybe he would become a friend…I didn't have a lot of friends either… Just the girls who were living at Angela's house…No way was Edward Masen going to be more…nobody would touch me…sex had no interest for me…I didn't want to be involved in any kind of relationship…No boyfriends…No lovers…In fact, I was not ready to love a man…Would I ever be ready?…No boyfriend…no sex…Those were my choices…And anyway, anything dealing with sex was making me nervous…Sex was not beautiful…sex was painful…And, on the top of all, I was fucking afraid…

**End of chapter 6**

**A/N: Edward and Bella finally met…But don't think this is going to be easy.**

**How do you think Bella will react when she will know the kind of business Edward is running? ... Because she will certainly know…Edward is quite evasive about his business…More pain to come….That I can assure you…**

**And will Edward realize how bad he is? ...manipulating all those girls…He says he is selling merchandises…so very wrong…**

**Give me love and review…I do appreciate your comments…Love you **_**France**_** xxx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**A/N: Hello to my readers. Thanks to all of you who alert and fav my story.**

**A ****special thanks to all of you who take time to review. I do truly appreciate reading your comments. Thanks to Rosa for the beautiful BG on you tube…which is the way I picture Edward in HOPE.**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**I am writing another story called MY ALL. Check on my profile for the link.**

**Additional info: My mother tongue is French. My goal is to master English. I try to write a text without any mistakes. I love English. So, if ever there are mistakes in this chapter, please excuse-me. **_**France**_** xxx**

**HOPE**

**Chap.7**

**SUSPICION**

**EDWARD**

This wouldn't be easy with Bella. I could feel it. There was something different with her. I could feel that she was different.

I didn't stay long at La Stanza after my conversation with Isabella.

And with Senna, I was not the same.

Usually, all my attention was concentrated on the girl I was out with.

Tonight, it was exactly the opposite.

All I could concentrate on was that beautiful girl who was serving us.

And Senna noticed.

"You seem to find that waitress attractive Edward. You want her…don't you?" She asked in a smooth voice.

"I do." I answered to Senna.

There were no lies between my girls and me.

They knew me, and because they loved me, they accepted everything.

"So, what will you do Edward? She has a job, she is not living on the street…she is not the girl you usually seek for."

"I don't know yet. I want her the same way I all want you. She attracts me…And there is something in her eyes…a kind of sadness. I want to know her. And, after, I'll see. Maybe she is not the kind of girl I am looking for…But she fascinates me."

"You went outside. Did you talk with her?" Senna asked me.

"I did. I am going to take a coffee with her tomorrow. After, I'll decide if it is worth to spend more time with her. "I don't know yet…I have a lot a patience but I don't like to lose my time." And now baby, enough talking about her…Still want to watch a movie with me?"

"Yes, Edward. Let's go home…I am a bit tired and I want to spend time with you, _alone_."

"Okay, baby…Just let me pay the bill and we are going home."

I went to the bar and waited for Isabella. I asked her for the bill and told her that I would come back for breakfast the next day.

She gave me my bill and I paid it, giving her a generous tip.

I went out with Senna, not holding her hand. She was my employee as I told Isabella; and a boss didn't usually hold his employee's hand.

When we would be in the car and at home alone, Senna would be treated as my girlfriend.

Not here, not in front of Isabella.

I drove back home, holding Senna's hand and kissing her every time I had to stop my vehicle at the red light.

Back at the apartment, I offered her a beer. We sat on the couch, very close to each other; my arm snaked around her shoulders.

We watched 'The Blind Side' which was a movie with Sandra Bullock. It was about a kid who was abandoned at a very young age and who became, with the help of his adoptive family, a great football player. It was based on true story and I loved it.

After the movie, Senna and I went into the shower and after the shower, we made love.

I knew how to make my girls happy…in the full sense of the word.

I was a good lover. Senna screamed my name when she reached her climax.

But this time, it was completely different for me, because when I reached my own climax…I was not thinking of Senna. I was thinking of Isabella. It was as if I had made love to Bella…The girl, I would see tomorrow.

**BELLA**

I was so tired. The work and the school, and all the homework I had to do, were keeping me very busy.

I didn't have time to get enough sleep.

But, it was worth it.

Three nights per week, I was at school and every morning I was at the restaurant.

The afternoons and the nights when I was not at school, I was doing my homework and studying.

Some nights, I would go out with my friends and sometimes with Harry.

He was a nice guy. He was a six feet tall giant; Blond hair, blue eyes and pretty muscular.

Harry was twenty-four years old and he wanted to complete high school and to continue studying in administration after getting his diploma.

I knew he was attracted to me; but I was not.

I made my point clear that we would just be friends.

He knew a bit of my past. I didn't confide in people much.

Most of the time, I tried to forget about the shit I'd been living when I was a child and a teenager.

When I thought about it, the rage all came back. So the least I thought about it, the better it was for me.

And Harry was not looking for getting more details; which was quite perfect for me.

I was more tired than usual tonight. I've been working in the morning and I was doing my homework in the afternoon when Felix called me. He asked me if I could work tonight; a waitress was sick and he wanted me to stand in for her if I was available.

Felix was such a nice boss that I couldn't refuse. And it would mean more money.

When my homework was done, I went to take a shower.

I dried my hair and let it fall in waves on my back.

I made up my face, but even if I tried to hide the rings that I had under my eyes, I did not succeed at all.

I would have to get more hours of sleep soon. Even my face showed my overtiredness.

I dressed as usual; a tight fit black skirt and a white blouse. Every waitress had to wear similar kind of clothes.

The restaurant was not far from the house so I walked.

Sometimes Angela would drive me to La Stanza but tonight she was not in the house.

The weather was fairly mild for this time of the year. So, I took a denim jacket, my purse and my cell and went out.

The restaurant was really crowded tonight.

Felix asked me if I could serve clients at the tables and at the bar.

It was okay with me. I loved making cocktails and I was good at it.

I had five tables in my section. So, it was not too bad. I would be able to divide my time between bringing meals to the clients and serve cocktails and beers.

I had been working for one hour when I saw him…Holy Crow….This guy was so beautiful. I never saw a guy as gorgeous as he was.

He was with a very beautiful girl. She had long brown hair and brown eyes. In fact, she looked a lot like me.

I went to their table and asked them if they would like to have a drink.

He ordered a bottle of Chianti and appetizer.

I went back to the kitchen to give the order to the cook and walked to the bar to get the bottle of wine.

Then, as I was pouring the wine into the wine glasses, I felt him gazing at me….and Jesus-Christ, was he gazing at me.

I looked at him straight in the eyes. His eyes were absolutely magnificent; emerald-green eyes with long brown lashes…And his face….his face was perfect.

Then, he smiled and I blushed.

Every time I was walking away from the table, I could feel his eyes on me.

He looked at me when I was serving the other clients. He looked at me when I was behind the bar.

He even followed me when I was going back to the bar…Was he doing it on purpose?

At a moment, I went to the washroom and he was there….near the men's washroom. And I was pretty positive that he was waiting for me.

I was quite embarrassed. All that staring and gazing…Why the hell was he looking at me like that?

I almost asked Felix if I could leave…but I didn't. There was not enough staff tonight. So it was impossible for me to leave earlier.

It was time for a break. I went outside to smoke a cigarette.

I began to smoke a few months ago. I knew it was not good for my health at all. I smoked because it gave me a sense of freedom…stupid reason…just to prove myself that I was an adult and that I could smoke if I wanted to.

Luckily, I was not a heavy smoker, but when I was nervous, it calmed my nerves; at least, I thought it was.

As soon as I was lighting my cigarette, the guy walked outside the restaurant and came near me.

Then, he began to talk to me. He introduced himself as Edward Masen.

He asked me questions about my job, and then he asked me if I would like to take a coffee with him the next morning.

I didn't know what to say. He was a perfect stranger and he wanted to know me. He told me straight and got to the point; his green eyes deeply staring into my eyes.

Why the fuck did he want to know me?

I felt like an imbecile. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea at all, that he was a stranger, and that his girlfriend wouldn't be that happy if she knew that he was asking me for a coffee…In fact, I didn't want to take a coffee with him.

Then, Edward told me that the girl who was with him was his employee.

At eighteen years old, he had his own business.

Maybe his parents were rich…Maybe that was why he had his own business at eighteen years old.

The questions I was impatient to ask him mulled over in my head. My mind was full of suspicion.

How come an eighteen years old guy could have his own business?

And that Edward Masen was quite persuasive.

I finally accepted…But I made my point clear.

He wanted to know me…fine…

He wanted to be my friend…maybe…

But no way would he be more than a friend…if a friendship between us two could even be possible.

The next morning, I was back at work at 8:00

As soon as I walked in the restaurant, Edward was sitting at a table, eating his breakfast.

Jesus…Why was he here so early?

I hoped he wouldn't keep staring at me during my entire shift.

And now, what should I do? ... Go to his table and say hi…Yes…Maybe I should.

So, that was what I did.

"Hello Edward…How are you this morning? I just finished at noon…Are you going to wait for me till I finished my shift. It will be long."

"Hello, Isabella." He said with his beautiful velvety voice. "Yes, I am going to wait for you. I have a lot of things to do. I am my own accountant and I have to check the state on the accounts of my business. So, don't worry about me. I have a lot of work to do."

"Okay then…Now, excuse-me…I have to go and see Felix." Talk to you later."

"Okay Bella…I am impatient to know you better."

Then, I went in the kitchen. Felix was there, and he gave me the section of clients I had to serve.

The morning went fairly well. Edward was pretty much concentrated in his books and he just looked at me from time to time.

But every time, he was staring at me, I could feel my face blushing and flushing.

That man had a way with girls. I could feel it; his emerald-green eyes getting deeper and greener every time his eyes were on me. And every time, he was gazing at me, I was staring back. And when he was smiling, Jesus…my heart was beating so fast…I could almost feel my pulse jumping in my veins.

So, I tried to concentrate on my work. I stopped looking at him and tried to ignore him.

My job was to serve the clients…not to stare at Edward Masen.

Time flew by, fast enough. There were a lot of clients in the restaurant and I almost forgot about Edward.

Then, it was 12:00.

Edward's books were closed. And he was obviously waiting for me.

I went to his table and told him that I was ready to go. But before going out with him, I wanted to introduce him to Felix.

Just in case…I didn't know anything about this man…Was he a good guy or a bad guy?

I wanted to protect myself. I didn't want to go out with him, without telling anybody.

Felix would know that I was going to take a coffee with Edward Masen.

As soon as I introduced Edward to Felix and told him that I was going out with him, I followed Edward. I felt safe being with Edward…safe because Felix knew the guy who I was with…but I was not comfortable at all. I was shy and quite intimidated.

And the questions were still in my head. Why did he want to know me better?

I was good in reading people's behaviour.

If this guy was not sincere, I would know soon enough.

I had suffered so much in the past…Nobody would hurt me again.

We crossed the street and walked to Tim Horton. It was a nice place, and they made the most delicious cappuccino in the whole world…well, maybe not…but I loved the cappuccino they served there.

We sat at a table and Edward went to order the coffee and brought muffins as well.

I wanted to pay my bill, but he refused.

Then, we began to talk.

But, it was not that easy.

Some subjects, I clearly avoided.

When he asked me about my childhood, I told him that I had not been a happy child.

I told Edward that my mother was a whore and a crack addict and my father, a fucking pimp, and that I had been raised by different fostering parents.

He wanted to know more, and I refused to talk about it.

When I asked him about his own childhood, he was quite evasive.

He told me that his parents were very rich and that he had a hard time when he was a young kid. He had not many friends. In fact, he had no friends and he was alone most of the time.

That was quite a surprise for me. I couldn't imagine Edward without friends.

Then I asked him about his job. He was more evasive than ever. He kept beating around the bush.

We were both hiding facts. Maybe his childhood had been as painful as my own and he didn't want to talk about it. That I could understand…But his job…I didn't know why he was avoiding giving me more details.

Then we talked about our interests.

That was really pleasant. He was in love with music, literature and arts. And he knew a lot; all those authors, all those musicians and composers, all those famous painters. He was insatiable. He asked me if I would be interested to visit a museum someday…and I was.

I'd never set a foot in a museum in my whole existence. That would be a new experience for me and I would be delighted to go with him.

Then he asked me about my own interests.

I told him that I was going to school, three nights per week. That was my main interest. I had to complete high school as soon as possible.

"And what will you do after you get your diploma Bella?" Do you want to go to college?"

"Yes I want to go to Cégep* and then maybe to the University."

"Oh! That means a lot of studies. What would like to do after University? ...In what field would you like to work?"

"I would like to be a social worker. That is my goal. I would like to help children and teenagers who are having a hard life. Some parents shouldn't have children. Some children are living a hell. Some are abused…some are neglected…some are intimidated. I hate abusers; I hate those people who are drug dealers. I hate people who hurt kids and teenagers. My goal is to help those kids and to track down those abusers. That is my goal in life. I will do anything in my power to denounce them."

"My life had been a living hell when I was a child…if ever I can save children…I will."

Then, I noticed a change in Edward's attitude. He seemed embarrassed and very disturbed.

He quickly changed the subject of our conversation by asking me what my other interests were.

I told him that I loved to read…on any kind of topics. I loved to watch movies and I loved cooking.

Time flew fast. Edward was a good conversationalist. He was not boring at all.

But his life was surrounded in secrecy. Some subjects he was clearly reluctant to talk about…But, I was too.

Maybe at the right time and place, I would tell him more about my past… But, he would have to confide in too.

I thought he was a nice guy after all. That was my first impression. But, I didn't completely trust him. There was this mystery around him. At the appropriate time, I would get my answers.

It was 4:00 when he drove me back home. He kissed me on the cheek.

And I would see him in two weeks; on a Saturday. He wanted to take me to Le Musée des Beaux Arts de Montréal. He asked me my cell number and gave me his own number.

Then I went out of the car and waved at him…He blew a kiss and left.

**End of chapter 7**

**A/N: **

***Cégep is a college of further education in Québec, offering two years courses. A student who wants to go to the University has to go to Cégep before.**

**In Québec, at the age of eighteen you are an adult. You can work in a bar and you can work as a bartender. You are allowed to drink alcohol as well.**

**Now, let's talk about Edward. I think he is in real trouble. ****He won't be able to hide what his real job is…forever.**

**Will he choose**** not to see Bella anymore? I don't think so…**

**He already invited**** her. He will see her again…two weeks from now…and maybe before…Who knows?**

**And when she will know the truth…what will she do?**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Give me love and review…I love to read your comments.**

**Love you, **_**France**_** xxx**

.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: ****Hello to my lovely readers; Thanks to all of you new readers who alert and fav my story. Leave me a comment from time to time. I love reading you.**

**Additional info to my**** readers. My mother tongue is French. My ultimate goal is to master the language. I try to write a text with no mistakes. If ever there are mistakes, please excuse-me. **_**France **_

**The characters belong to S.M…She is a very talented author. In HOPE, the characters belong to me.**

**HOPE**

**Chap.8**

**GUILTY CONSCIENCE**

**EDWARD**

Fuck…What would I do now?

I was attracted to Isabella…I mean really attracted to her.

She was beautiful, she was clever and she was a real fascination for me.

And, she was hiding so many things.

And, she would hate me when she would know the real me.

I had three choices now; not seeing her anymore, but I couldn't.

Seeing her and lying to her…not a good choice either.

Seeing her and telling her the truth…

But she would hate me. I was not a good guy. I was a bad guy.

She hated abusers, she hated drug dealers, she hated intimidators and I was all of them.

I was an abuser. I knew it; having these girls working for me and selling their bodies as merchandises.

I was a drug dealer…_not selling hard drugs_….but selling weed.

I was an intimidator--not the way I was in high school--but the way I was manipulating and recruiting the girls was a kind of intimidation. The way I was using my charm and my power was intimidation. The girls couldn't resist me and I knew it.

The money I earned was dirty money; stealing cars, stealing houses…the drug…the sex. I was a pimp…like her own father and my girls were prostitutes.

I was face to face with my own guilt now.

And this time, I felt trapped.

I felt guilty and bad.

What could I do?

For the first time of my life_, evidently apart from my life as a young child_, I was completely lost.

Isabella had goals in her life…I mean real goals.

Not like me…My goals were to make money, to be respected and to be feared.

I was protecting my girls, as long as they did what I wanted them to do.

I didn't love them, though they thought I did. I loved the power I had on them.

But with Isabella it was not the same.

I was not in love with her yet, but I already knew. I already felt that I could fall in love with her. And I wanted her in my life; if not as a girlfriend, at least as a friend.

I listened to her while she was talking about school; the light in her eyes.

I listened to her when she was talking about her intention of becoming a social worker.

I listened to her when she was talking about all those kids who were neglected and intimidated and abused…and then, I could see the rage in her eyes.

And she would track the abusers down and denounce them.

She would track me down and denounce me; because I was an abuser.

I knew I was fascinated. She was always on my mind; I texted her almost every afternoon. Just to have some news from her…and I called her, just to hear the sound of her voice.

I saw her even before our 'date' to the museum.

One afternoon, I texted her.

E: Hi, Bella. This is Ed.

E: What are you doing?

B:I am doing my homework.

B:I don't understand that shit.

B:Trigonometry.... I hate it.

B: Who cares about theorems?

E: I can help you, if you want.

E: I am very good in maths.

B: Are you sure? …It's boring as hell.

E: I would be glad to help you

B: Well okay then.

B: We could go at the Tim Horton.

B: Angela doesn't allow us to have men in the house.

E: I would invite you to my apartment

E: But some of my employees are here.

E: I am going to pick you up in half an hour.

B: Okay Edward, see you…and thanks.

E: My pleasure…see you.

I went with Bella to Tim Horton and spent the afternoon with her.

I explained to her the Pythagoras' theorem and we worked on different problems.

I explained her that in any right triangle, the area of the square whose side is the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right angle) is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares whose sides are the two legs (the two sides that meet at a right angle).

"It's Greek to me". She said. Can you make it simpler?"

"Okay…let's do the equation…See that figure…a…b…c…

I wrote the letters a, b and c, on the legs of the triangle.

"See…the sum of the areas of the two squares on the legs (a and b) equals the area of the square on the hypotenuse (c).

We did it with many diagrams.

And she finally understood it. That girl was very clever. And there was this light in her eyes. It made her face absolutely radiant.

Then, there was an afternoon when I wanted to see her. I was longing to be with her. I called her and asked her if she wanted to watch a movie with me.

"Hey, Bella…It's Edward. What are you doing?"

"I just finished my homework and I am reading". She answered in a musical voice.

"Do you want to go to watch a movie?" I asked her.

"Yes, I would be delighted to go out. What movie would you like to see?

"Well…I don't know. Do you have any idea?" Is there a movie you would like to see, Bella?"

"Yes…I would like to see 'Avatar'. Some students at school saw it, and they were clearly enchanted."

"Okay, then…Let's go and watch 'Avatar'. I am going to pick you up around 3:00."

"Okay, Edward…See you at 3:00"

"Bye, honey…See you later"

We went to watch the movie. It was really beautiful. The effects were amazing. Bella loved it too.

Around 6:30, I drove her back home. I had a pleasant afternoon with Bella. Every time I was with her, it was fantastic. And I wanted to see her more often.

But there was that dark cloud over my head. She didn't know the real me. We kept avoiding talking about painful subjects. And I kept avoiding talking about my job.

And I was feeling guilty… guiltier than ever…But now my bad conscience was always with me; wearing down my heart and my mind.

I had a meeting with the gang tonight. Jake wanted to expand his territory; meaning selling more drugs to more people, recruiting more girls, stealing more cars and breaking into more houses.

I had to talk to him. I didn't know what to do.

There was no problem leaving the gang as long as we kept our mouth shut; the law of Omertà was something to be respected.

Peter was no longer in the gang. He had left nine months ago. He felt in love with a girl whom I had recruited for the gang.

She was working for him. Peter was her pimp. In fact, more her protector than her pimp, but gradually, he was not able to see her going to meet guys and have sex with them.

He wanted exclusivity. He was falling in love with her and she was falling in love with him too.

One day, he talked to Jake.

Peter told Jake that he was in love with Sue. She was pregnant with his child. He was sure because she didn't have sex with any other guys for about seven months, _except him_ and when Peter decided to talk to Jake she was three months pregnant.

Peter wanted to give his child a normal life. He wanted to give Sue a normal life. No way was he going to be a bad father and a bad boyfriend…And he wanted to marry her as soon as he would be able to buy a house.

Jake accepted but he reminded both Peter and Sue about the law of Omertà; as long as they would keep their mouth shut…everything would be fine.

We heard from Peter from time to time. He was back in school and working in a bar during the weekend. They were living with Sue's parents. Sue was working for her father. And they were the parents of a baby boy.

Sue had not been a neglected child. She was just a rebellious teenager who wanted to live her own life. That was why she was on the streets when I found her.

She was not attracted to me either. She just wanted to have a roof, clothes, money and freedom.

And she didn't mind sleeping with men; as long as she was the only to choose the men she was sleeping with.

She wanted to be free using her body the way she wanted.

The first time I met her, she was doing a blow job to a man in a car.

I waited for her, not very far from the car till her _job_ was done.

As soon as she went out, I walked toward her and began to talk.

"Hey, beautiful…Don't you know it is dangerous to be alone in a car with a stranger? I asked her.

"First of all, how do you know this guy is a stranger? Maybe he is my boyfriend?"

"He certainly isn't your boyfriend. I know this guy…and I know him well."

"Anyway…Why do you care? This is absolutely none of your fucking business." She almost snapped at me.

"I can help you, if you want." I tell you…it can be very dangerous out on the streets."

"I've been living on the streets for the past six months and nothing happen to me yet."

"Let me help you. I can. I know some people who would be willing to help you". I added in a smooth voice.

"Yeah…Who are those peoples? And by the way what is your name? Mister-I-come- from-nowhere-and-I-want-to-help-you."

"I am Edward Masen"…And what is your name?"

"My name is Sue." "So…I repeat my question…Who are those people?"...and she added, not giving me the time to answer to her question.

"Are you a social worker? Are you a policeman? ...Certainly not…You would have arrested me…And if you are a social worker…I am not following you anywhere…I like my freedom, I don't like rules."

"I am not a policeman…_far from it_…I am not a social worker either." I said.

"So…What are you? Are you a pimp?" She asked me.

I had never met a girl so direct in my life; no beating about the bush with her.

"Yes, in fact I am…" I said, staring and smiling at her.

"Well why not…I am tired to sleep on the streets. It would be fun sleeping in a house for sometimes. And…another thing Masen…don't try your power of seduction on me. It won't work. I sleep with the guys I want. So…and I am not impressed at all by your body, or by your eyes, or by your smile. Dazzle someone else…and I must tell you, you are not my type at all."

That is how I got acquainted with Sue. She was not my type either but it would be fun having her with the gang. She was hilarious and very independent. Let's see how the guys would deal with her.

And they loved her. She established her rules as soon as we were in Jake's apartment; no drugs and no sex with any of them. She was willing to work for them but she would choose her own clients…and she added…"That is how it is with me…Take it or leave it…That's it…that's all…"

Jake accepted all her conditions. We all loved her but Peter loved her more. He loved her enough to marry her someday.

It was now time to go to the meeting. All my girls were out, working.

I drove my car to Jake's apartment. I wanted to have some time with him alone.

I was a real bunch of nerves. Isabella was always on my mind and I was in complete darkness.

If I decided to leave the gang…What would I do after? ...And who would take care of my girls?

I could buy the apartment for them. I had enough money to do it.

But what would they do? They had no money. They had no instruction.

I was feeling guiltier when I was thinking about it.

I certainly could go back to school.

I was almost nineteen years old and I was a quick-learner.

I had enough money to rent my own apartment and to pay my school fees.

I would have to find a job as well; working day time and going to school at night.

It certainly could be done.

Maybe my parents could help me…Loan me some money…Maybe they would if I showed them that I was ready to live a normal life.

I arrived at Jake's apartment and luckily for me, he was alone.

As soon as Jake saw me, he offered me a beer.

And he noticed there was something bugging me.

I guessed it was written on my face.

"What's going wrong Edward? Some problems with your girls?"

"No…the girls are fine…It's me who is having a problem. I don't know what the fuck to do."

"What's going on Edward?" Tell me."

And I began to talk about Isabella. How attracted I was. How she captivated and fascinated me. How different she was. How beautiful and clever she was.

"It doesn't seem a problem to me Edward. You always succeed with girls. Use your charm and ask her to work for you."

"That's the problem Jake. I don't want her to work for me. I want her…_in my life_…but not like that."

"Are you in love with her Edward?"

"No, not yet…but she is so different. I hardly know her. I met her two weeks ago.

"I saw her first at La Stanza where she works. I went to the restaurant the next day and offered her a coffee after her shift."

"So…How did it go? Jake asked.

"It was not easy. She had a very painful childhood and she doesn't confide in people easily. That I can understand. I don't like to talk about my past either."

"And what else did you talk about?"

"She talked about school. She is completing high school now and she wants to go to Cégep and to University. "

"Well…well…She is different. None of our girls have completed high school, and what does she want to do after?"

"She wants to be a social worker. And…now….Jake…Fuck…She hates abusers, she hates parents who neglect kids. She hates intimidators. She hates drug dealers and she hates pimps. Her father was a pimp and her mother a fucking crack-addict and a whore."

"And that is what I am; a fucking abuser, a drug-dealer, an intimidator…and a fucking pimp."

"Edward, you are not an abuser. You are protecting your girls."

"I am Jake. I am. I earn my money because my girls are sleeping with clients. Don't you see it? They are merchandises for me. I abused them through the clients I send them to….I am a living shit."

"Now, Edward…You are very hard on yourself."

"I am not. I can't endure it anymore. I can't see my own face in the mirror. I must tell you. It is not only because of Isabella. That guilt I have inside is not new to me. I keep pushing it deep inside me… But now…I don't know…I hate my life…I hate myself."

"Do you want to leave the gang, Edward?" Tell me."

"Yes…I think I do. I am so fucking tired. But what will happen to my girls? They love me. They will suffer. Who will take care of them?"

"May be I could buy the apartment for them. I don't know what the fuck to do" Jake…What can I do?"

"Calm down now Edward. Can you pay the rent for six months? You will need your money if you stop your business and if you stop working for me. I am going to take care of your girls. I promise. I always loved you Edward and I still do. You are a brother to me…But don't forget you must not talk about us…_ever_…You don't mention our names."

"I don't know what you are going to tell Isabella. I don't think you can hide what kind of business you were doing but she must not know that we were related _ever_…The law of Omertà should be respected.

"I know Jake…I know…I would never betray the gang. You were a family to me. I don't judge you. How could I? I disgust myself right now and I don't even know if Isabella would want to see me after I tell her what kind of guy I am."

"Good luck Edward…and please call me from time to time. I will miss you bro."

"And please Jake take care of my girls. Don't let anybody hurt them…" I am going to talk to them tomorrow and I will leave the apartment and get my own place."

"What do you want to do after?" Jake asked me.

"I don't fucking know. Maybe I would go back to school. I'll take a few weeks to think about it. I will certainly have to find a job as well…and maybe I'll go and see my parents."

"Are you seeing Isabella soon?"

"I saw her again today. We went to watch a movie and I saw her last week as well. I called her almost every afternoon. I have to talk to her. I have to see her…Jesus-Christ…She is always on my mind and we keep avoiding talking about our past…and I don't know how she will react when she will know all about me.

"And I am seeing her again on Saturday." Wish me luck, Jake." I don't know how she will react." I am so afraid to lose her. I just hope she will listen to me." "I know she won't approve. She certainly will hate me."

"Take your time Edward…You don't have to tell her every thing on Saturday. Tell her about your childhood first. How painful it was…and then when it will be the time, tell her more."

"Thanks Jake…" I love you."

"I love you too, Edward. Hope it will work for you."

**End of chapter 8**

**I hope**** you loved this chapter. Now Edward will face a new reality.**

**It was easy enough leaving this gang…but let me tell you…it is not always that easy.**

**Jake respects his gang and they respect him as well. In some gang there is no respect.**

**As long as the members shut their mouth…everything is okay with Jake. They can decide to leave and live their own life.**

**Now…What will Edward do?**

**How will his girls react? They love him.**

**And how will Isabella react? Right now she thinks he is a nice guy.**

**But when she will know what his job was and how he ****used his power to seduce girls, I think she will realize that a first impression is not always a good one.**

****Additional info about t****he law of Omerta. It all comes to one word; the law of silence. Never should the business be discussed with people who shouldn't be aware of the business. In Jake's gang, as long as the business stays within the gang, it is okay. No names should be said. If one member is arrested, he must keep his mouth shut and he can't denounce the other members. Every member of the gang must be a man of respect…**_**not a rat**_**. It is cowardly to betray a member of the gang and if a member is arrested and he betrays…it is not accepted.**

**Jake has a boss too ****and his boss works for other people. It is a kind of little mafia.**

**Edward can talk to Bella. He can tell her that he was a pimp and a drug dealer but nothing should be related to Jake's gang…ever.**

**Tell me what you think. ****Give me love and review.**

**Love you **_**France**_** xxx**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/n: Hello to my readers. Thanks again to all of you who alert and fav my story.**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**My mother tongue is French. My ultimate goal is to master English. I love English. I hope that there are no mistakes in this text. If there are, please excuse-me. **_**France**_

**HOPE**

**Chapter nine**

**PAINFUL CONFIDENCES **

**BELLA**

I saw Edward this week and the previous week as well. He called me or texted me almost every afternoon. And he came for breakfast at La Stanza when I was working. He was damn clever and he was a very interesting and charming guy.

He helped me in maths and we went to watch a movie together.

And I was going to see him again today. It was Saturday and he invited me to go at Le Musée des Beaux Arts to see and exhibition of Claude Monet's paintings.

I didn't know anything about painters and their work of art, so it would be a new experience for me.

And Edward wanted me to have dinner with him after the visit.

I was clearly enchanted.

First of all, going to a museum was new to me. It would be the first time, I would visit a museum.

Second, I wanted to know more about him.

I already knew he had a painful childhood; not as painful as my own, but who could measure the pain one had in one heart. Maybe for him, it was as painful as my own.

I knew he had a lonely childhood, but I didn't know more.

He didn't confide in people easily--but who was I to judge--neither did I confide in people easily.

And he clearly avoided talking about his job. Every time I asked questions on his work, he kept changing the topic of the conversation.

And that was bugging me a lot. What was so secret about his job? What kind of business was he doing?

I didn't like all that mystery.

Maybe tonight, I would have some answers.

My cell phone rang, interrupting my thoughts and I answered.

It was Edward on the phone.

"Hello Bella," he said in a velvety voice.

"Hey, Hi Edward. How are you?" I asked him.

"I am fine. Are you ready honey? ...I could pick you up in twenty minutes."

"Yes. I am. I am waiting for you." I answered.

"Good. See you in twenty minutes". He said in a smooth voice.

"Great Edward…See you…"

Then, I hung up.

God, I loved that guy's voice; all smoothness and velvet.

And he was gorgeous as hell.

I knew I shouldn't think about a guy the way I was thinking about him.

He appealed to me, physically and intellectually.

He was such a good conversationalist. He was so clever and he knew so many things, in so many fields.

And he was so attractive.

Every time I was with him, I felt so emotional. When he was near me, almost touching me, my heart was beating so fast; I could feel a wave of electric shock running into my veins, like all my cells were irradiated by a blazing fire.

And I was so fucking afraid; afraid of these new emotions. Being sexually attracted to a man was a first for me.

I couldn't imagine myself falling in love with a man.

I couldn't imagine being sexually touched by a man.

The shadow had left deep marks inside me.

The shadow was a beast…I had been raped…And I would never forget and forgive.

But seeing Edward and having to deal with these new emotions was so new to me; I was freaking out.

I could feel he was attracted too. The way he was looking at me, with so much tenderness in his eyes.

Sometimes, he would touch my hand; his fingers grazing my skin with such delicate gestures. And then, I could feel my face going through all kind of red shades.

He would kiss me on the cheek. And then again, I was all blushes and flushes.

And I was dreaming of touching his lips and kissing his beautiful soft mouth.

But then, the shadow came back. And the thought of kissing Edward was not a dream anymore. It was a nightmare.

Someday, I would have my revenge. Someday the shadow would pay me back; for all the fear and all the pain that was in my heart.

I heard a car's horn. I looked through the window. Edward was there in front the house waiting for me.

The visit at the museum was quite impressive. And Edward impressed me more.

This guy was a living encyclopaedia.

Edward explained to me that 'Le Musée des Beaux Arts was the Grande dame of the Canadian museum world. It had been founded in 1860. There were two pavilions; the first one being known as the Micha and Renata Hornstein Pavilion and a more recent one known as the Jean-Noël Desmarais Pavilion. The pavilions were connected by an underground passage.

There were several exhibitions; but we were here to see Claude Monet's paintings; Edward's favourite painter.

During the whole visit, Edward gave his opinion and his commentaries on the different paintings, as well as the history of the painter.

We saw many of his masterpieces: The Walkers, the Luncheon, the Road Bridge at Argenteuil, Antibes Seen from The Sailis Garden, the Waterloo Bridge, effect on Sunlight in the fog, the Bridge over the Water-Lily Pond, and many more.

I learned that Claude Monet was an impressionist painter. He was born in 1840. His goal, when painting, was to capture temporary phenomena. He concentrated on the play of light and the color of the objects he was painting; the result was a sheer delight in the colors, textures and shapes of the landscapes. He painted coastal scenes, marine and forest subjects, townscapes, and figures in landscape settings. He painted river subjects with light-dappled water, and garden scenes in which vigorous brushstrokes and patches of bright color broke into the contours of objects.

"Look at this painting Bella. Isn't it truly magnificent? Edward said in a soft, low voice." Look at the objects. Their forms are dissolved in the play of light…And look here…Edward now pointing to another painting. Look at the light….on the façade of the cathedral…it alters from dawn to dusk. Truly, Monet was a real genius."

Claude Monet' subjects also included haystacks, poplars and lily ponds.

I was quite impressed by a painting called Nympheas.

It was absolutely magnificent. The sky, the water and the vegetation in this painting were transformed into swirling, vibrant masses of colors.

Every painting was all light and colors; a sheer celebration of nature.

Edward held my hand throughout the visit. Sometimes he drew circles on my knuckles. Sometimes, he kissed me on the cheek.

And the more I was with him, the more I appreciated him.

Then, it was time to go to the restaurant. It was almost 7:00 and I was quite hungry.

The restaurant was called 'Le Bâton Rouge'. It was a cosy place.

The waiter asked us to follow him at the far end of the restaurant.

We sat down at the table and the waiter asked us what we would like to drink.

I took a glass of white wine and Edward ordered a beer.

Then, there was that atmosphere of embarrassment again…surrounding the two of us.

I bit my lip, rubbed my hands which were cold as ice. I was a real bunch of nerves.

Edward was not better; his fingers running in his hair and making it messier than ever.

There were no maths, no movies and no visit at the museum to keep our mind busy.

We were just the two of us with our evident uneasiness.

So, I decided it was time for me to talk. Maybe he would open his heart to me too.

"Edward…Thanks for the wonderful afternoon. I truly appreciated visiting the museum today. I had a very pleasant time…very instructive. I loved it. And I love spending time with you." I said in a soft voice.

"I love being with you too Isabella. I love every single minute I am with you". Edward added.

"I want to know you better. I am tired of this hide and seek game. Don't think I want to force you to confide in me. " But…as I want to keep on seeing you, I think you should know more about me. Then, I added, if you are feeling comfortable enough, maybe you can tell me about your childhood."

I felt a change in Edward's attitude and something in his eyes; pain, suffering and something more…a terrible sadness.

"Okay, Bella. I am tired of this game too. But some things I can't tell you right now. I am not ready. You think I am a good guy, but I am not. I am a very bad guy. I am a living shit. I can talk to you about my childhood, but what I did after…and what was my life like just one week ago, just a few days ago, just two days ago…I am not ready to tell you right now. I know when you will know, you will disappear. I can't endure myself. I can't face myself in the mirror. You won't want to see me when you will know the real me. I have no hope and it is my own punishment. I know I will lose you." Edward added; his voice so sad and in so much pain that it was almost unbearable to hear.

"It cannot be that bad Edward. Maybe you did some very wrong things, but I like the guy who is in front of me right now. You cannot be all badness…I know you are a good person as well. You are clever, you are attentive and you are obliging."

"I am all that because of you Bella. I know I am clever…but attentive and obliging…it is all because of you Isabella. And I am going to lose you very soon. I can't hide my past forever."

"Don't be too hard on you Edward. You are not a monster."

"I am, Bella. I am a monster. When I will be ready to tell you all the truth, you'll see what kind of monster I am." Edward added, his eyes close to tears.

I stood up and went near him. I bended over him, and kissed him on the mouth. His lips were so sweet and tender; my first kiss to the man I knew I was falling in love with.

Then, I went back to my place and began to talk.

"I had a hard, very hard childhood Edward. You already know that my mom was a whore and a crack-addict and that my father was a pimp.

Then again, Edward's face was showing all the pain in the world, tears falling on his cheeks.

I kept on talking. It was really hard for me too.

"At the age of four, my mother died from an overdose. From that day, I was sent to an orphanage, first, and then to foster houses."

"Some of them were bearable…others were atrocious."

"At the age or eight, I was sent to the Newton. They made my life a living hell. I was battered, famished and neglected."

"At the age of ten I ran away. I wandered in the woods for three days before the policemen found me."

"As I was beginning to have a bad temper, threatening the kids who were living with me, laughing at Jane and Mike Newton when they beat me, getting into brawls at school, and ridiculing the teachers, the Newton didn't want me back."

"I was sent back to the orphanage and then to more foster houses". But it was not for a long time. I was a troublemaker and they got rid of me as soon as they had enough of my violent and aggressive temper."

"Around the age of fourteen I was sent to a new foster house. Esme Cullen was the name of the woman. At the beginning, I was the same; violent, angry and aggressive."

"But she was an angel. She was a caring, loving and charming woman."

"And she broke my walls of indifference and selfishness. She made me discovered a new feeling…The feeling of being loved…and the feeling of loving someone."

Then, I stopped talking.

Edward was looking at me; his eyes and his face still in pain.

"Is it too hard Bella? You can stop, if you want to. I am so sorry Bella. " I don't know what to say."

"No…you have to know….Can you just ask the waiter to come? I would like to have another glass of wine."

"Do you want something to eat?" Edward asked in a clipped voice.

"No…I am not hungry at all."

"I am not hungry either."

Edward went to the bar and asked the bartender for a glass of wine and took a beer for himself.

As soon as Edward came back, I took a sip of wine and kept on talking.

"I was happy living with Esme till the shadow came."

Then, Edward raised his eyebrows.

"I called him the shadow. In fact, his name was Jason Jenks. He was seventeen and one night he visited my bedroom."

Edward's face was now livid with rage; his lips tightly closed and his hands clenched in fists.

He knew what I was going to tell him.

"What did he do Bella? Tell me…Jesus-Christ… Did he abuse you? ... Did he rape you?"

"He did Edward. He did…every night for about six months. "I answered, tears falling on my face.

"Oh…Bella…I am so sorry…"The fucking bastard. Where is he? Is he in jail? Fuck...

"Tell me he is in jail. I am going to find that guy and kill him. Oh…honey…I don't know what to say…."Edward said in a painful and clipped voice.

"He is in jail…yes…He raped another girl who was living in the house as well."

"Why didn't Esme protect you? She loved you. You told me she loved you."

"She didn't know anything Edward. I should have spoken to her, but I did not."

"One night, I had enough. I left the house, leaving a note to Esme and telling her that Jason was an abuser and a rapist and to get rid of him."

"After I left Esme's house, I lived on the streets for awhile."

"I lived in abandoned houses, in interior garages, in a squat house with punks and in refuges.

"I did squeegism to earn money and some other things I am not very proud of."

"One night I was with a client…"

"What Bella? Were you forced on sleeping with guys? Edward added in a cracked, shaky voice.

"No Edward. I was never forced on…but I had to eat…so…sometimes…I did blow jobs…to earn extra money. And I was disgusting myself for doing it…but I had no fucking choice."

"Then, one night, when I was doing a blow job to a guy in his car, the police arrested me. I was sent to Le Centre de Jeunesse de Montréal.''

''I stayed there for three weeks.''

"And I learned from a counsellor that Esme had been looking for me; for the past six months, she never gave hope of finding me. "

"The day she was supposed to come and fetch me, she was involved in a car accident and she died."

Then, Edward grabbed both of my hands and rubbed them.

"Oh…Bella…You went through such terrible ordeals. How can someone endure so much pain? I am at a loss for words." Your childhood had been far more painful and hard than my own. There is no comparison…and now…I disgust myself even more.

"I acted like a coward. My life is just a fucking façade. I am just a fucking coward and a monster. I hate myself so much. I don't fucking know what to say. "

Edward kept repeating these words again and again. What did he do that made him thought he was a monster? Was it that bad? ... I couldn't imagine Edward hurting people.

And the intense sadness that I could read in his eyes; it made my heart faltered and then beat unevenly. There was this pressure in my chest; it was almost unbearable. I was as much in pain as he was. Me, for telling my story, and remembering all the cruel, terrible events in my life…and Edward…I didn't know yet. I knew he was in pain for me, but he was crying for himself too.

I kept on talking of my life after Esme's death.

How much depressed and sad I was.

I talked about the Volturi. But there was not much to say about them, and I was exhausted.

I told Edward about my meeting with Carmen Cope, and what she did for me; helping me to find a job, a place where to live.

I told Edward about my goals; a work and a place to live…That I already had.

Getting my diploma and becoming someday a social worker. This was already set in…as far as I would finish Secondary Five and go to Cegep and to the University.

And my last goal; tracking those abusers. Those fostering parents who were as bad as hell….violent and aggressive. They would be banned from the system. No children would be sent to their houses…ever. Tracking the drug dealers and the pimps who were treating teenagers as shit. I would do my best to help them. Some of those teenagers were controlled by gangs. They were manipulated, encouraged to take drugs and sexually exploited.

"I was very lucky…if I can use that word…when I was living on the streets."

"I could have been approached by a member of a gang or a pimp…And then…What could have happened to me?" Luckily enough I met Max and his gang…the squeegees

Punks. " Maybe God was with me that time."

"I don't know how I will do it Edward. I am not a super woman. But maybe someday if I can work in a refuge or in a center, I will find a way to help those girls…and those boys…and give them enough love and help them to get back their self-esteem and to denounce their abusers." I know some of those kids are scared to death. They are threatened and won't talk…and the abusers keep on having a hold over them."

Edward was still listening to me and staring at me with his deep green eyes, greener than ever, darker than ever and sadder than ever. And he was completely lost in his own thoughts. I had seen the face of pain many times in my life, but never had I seen so much suffering in someone eyes.

And then he talked.

"Bella…I will drive you home. I can't talk to you tonight."

He paid the bill. I followed him to his car. And there was not a single word uttered in the car.

And then I was at Angela's house.

He parked the car, opened his door and went to open the passenger's door for me.

I kissed him on the cheek and then asked him" Will you call me tomorrow Edward?"

"I don't know Bella".

He kissed me on the forehead and went back in his car. He revved the car and disappeared.

**End of chapter 9**

**A/N…Now Edward knows about Bella's childhood and her life as a teenager.**

**Bella told him about her goals. ****She wants to help kids and help them to denounce the ones who abused them.**

**How do you think Edward is feeling right now?**

**Face to face with his own guilt…**

**Tell me what yo****u think. Give me love and review.**

**Love**_** France**_** xxx**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hello to my readers. Thanks for your support and love. **

**Thanks to those of alert and fav my story.**

**My mother tongue is French. I do try very hard to write a text with no mistakes in it. I do not master English completely. If there are mistakes in this chapter, please excuse-me…Love **_**France**_** xxx**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**HOPE**

**Chap.10**

**GUILT**

**EDWARD**

_Flashback (Three days before the visit to the museum)_

_Wednesday_

I had to tell my girls that I was leaving. I had to tell them that I wouldn't be their protector anymore. This life was not for me anymore. But what reasons could I give them? I couldn't obviously tell them that I was not able to deal with my fucked up life.

I was a fucking bastard and a monster. But those thoughts, I would keep for myself.

Jake understood my choices because they were mine. It was easy enough leaving Jake's gang. I knew that it was not as easy with other gangs. But there was a kind of respect between the members in this gang. As long as we kept our mouth shut. We could go on making our own choices; as long as the law of Omèrta was completely respected; no betrayal and no denunciation. And that I would respect. My lips were sealed and nobody would know…_ever_.

The girls noticed that I was not feeling well. My heart--if even I had a heart--was not with them anymore.

I wandered in the apartment like a lost soul. I thought I was a soulless monster. But, I was so very wrong. I could feel the guilt inside me; the guilt ravaging my inside. It was there, in my body, in my heart, in my mind and in my soul.

And there was Bella in my life now. She was the reason and the cause of my turmoil.

True…she was not the only reason. Sometimes, at night, even before I knew her, I thought about my life and I knew that my choices were bad. I tried to push those thoughts away, but they kept coming back.

But now, it was worse than ever.

Seeing Isabella, spending time with her and getting to know her better, awakened my conscience.

I was a bad guy and I knew it.

When I thought about my life, the way I lived my life as a teenager and as a young adult was not something to be proud of. I had made the wrong choices and I realized it now.

But, what could I have done? At that time, I was only looking for power. My life as a child had been fucked up. I was so afraid all the time. It seemed to me that I had not a lot of choices. Looking for bad people was my only option. I wanted to be respected and feared and that worked. But, what if I had chosen to live a normal teenager life? Nobody knew me when I was in high school. It was a completely new environment. Nobody knew my past. Nobody knew who Edward Masen was. It could have been completely different.

At that time, I didn't give a shit. The power I had on all those kids was giving me strenght… an energy I can't even describe. I felt like I had the whole world in my hands. I was respected and nobody was on my way. I was an intimidator and nobody dared to provoke me.

And having those girls working for me was not a big deal either. I didn't love them at all. I had no feelings for them…At least, I thought I had no feelings for them but deep inside me, I knew I was not that indifferent. The way, I protected them, even though I was using all those girls, selling their bodies to men and taking my own pleasure… I knew that they were kind of special. I knew other pimps who were very hard with their girls. They beat them and had no respect. I respected my girls in a way but it was as long as they did what they had to do. None of my girls tried to question my decisions. It never happened. What would have happened if one of them had tried to disobey? …Even now, I couldn't answer to my own questioning.

I had to talk to them. I couldn't postpone making my decision. It had to be now.

There were all in the apartment, waiting to have their schedules. But today, there wouldn't be any schedules. They didn't know it yet but this was my last day with them.

My last day being their pimp; and I would leave the apartment as soon as the meeting would be over.

Where would I go after? What would I do? I had no fucking ideas.

I would be nineteen years old in a few months. I had to do something with my life- something decent-. That would be a first for me…since a long time.

"Zafrina, Tia, Lizzie, Senna, Renée"…Come in the kitchen. We have to talk." I said in a husky voice.

They sat around the kitchen table and they looked at each other, obviously waiting for me to say something.

And I was staring at them, without knowing how to begin that damn discussion.

After what seemed a long time, I cleared my throat and said in a clipped voice.

"Girls, I have something to tell you."

"I've been thinking about it for awhile."

"In fact, these thoughts are always on my mind."

"I won't be living here from now on."

"I need a change in my life. I want to go on. I want to do something completely different.

"But…Edward. What will we do?" Lizzie said in a whining voice.

"We can't live without you." Tia said.

"I love you Edward. We all love you. We can't live without you." Senna added.

"Why? ...Why Edward? Is it because of us? Zafrina asked, tears falling on her cheeks.

"No, no girls… absolutely not". I said.

"It's not because of you. It's me. It's just me. I need a change. I want to go back to school. I have some new aspirations. I am not satisfied with my life as it is now".

"You don't want us Edward." Tia and Lizzie said almost at the same time. "How can we live without you? Who will be here for us?"

"We belong to you Edward". Renée said. "Don't go please."

"No, Renée. You don't belong to me. You are free to go whenever you want. You belong to yourself."

"And I am sorry girls. I am so sorry. You can't come with me. I have to go on, on my own. I don't know what my future will be. I have to take time for myself. I know I want to go back to school…and after I'll see."

"Is it because of Isabella?" Senna asked, in an almost crying voice.

"Part of my decision is, Senna. I cannot lie to you. This girl…I don't know. She appeals to me. She attracts me in a way I've never been attracted before. She fascinates me."

"And it wouldn't be fair to you. I love you all, in a way. But with Isabella…I don't know. There is something else. I can't describe it. It wouldn't be fair for you and for her. I want Isabella in a way I've never wanted someone."

Now, all the girls were crying.

And I was there, looking at them and feeling all the guilt coming back.

Guilt…because I manipulated them.

Guilt…because I used my power to make them fall in love with me.

Guilt…because now there were all in pain and in despair.

I was a monster and I knew it.

What I had done to those girls was monstrous.

After awhile, and this seemed an eternity, the girls calmed down.

"What now? Renée asked…What will we do? Who is going to take care of us? Who will protect us? Where are we going to live?" She added, without taking the time to breathe.

"Don't worry girls. I couldn't leave you unprotected."

"I already paid the rent for the apartment, six months in advance."

"Jake will be your boss. He told me…and I am sure he will… take good care of you."

"The fridge is full. There is a thousand dollars in the safe."

"Renée and Tia. I'll give you the combination of the safe. You will be in charge of administering the budget for awhile."

"Jake will come to see you tomorrow. He wants a meeting with all of you."

"One thing though", I added in a clipped voice. "I know Jake is a good guy. I know he will protect you."

"Don't call me. Forget my cell number. From now on, it will be as if I have never existed."

Then, I went in my bedroom to pack my things. I had not a lot of things in the apartment; mostly clothes, toiletries, some CDs, my guitar and my laptop.

As I was living at Jake's and the girls' apartment, I had things at both places.

One hour later, I left the girls' apartment.

I heard sobs and sniffing.

I didn't look back. I walked out of the apartment. My girls were in pain and, in a way, I was too. But my guilt was far more painful to endure than the pain in itself.

I walked to my car, put my suitcases in the Volvo's trunk and drove to Jake's apartment.

Nobody was in the house and this was a good thing. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I wanted to be alone.

I packed the things that belonged to me and left a note to Jake.

_Jake_

_I left the girls' apartment this morning._

_Please take care of them._

_I'll call you next week._

_Edward_

Then, I was on the road again. I stopped at Tim Horton, took a coffee and a muffin and went on internet to see if there were rooms available not too far from Isabella's neighbourhood.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe when she would know the real me, she wouldn't want to see me anymore but I had to find a place not very far from where she was living.

At least, I could see her at a distance.

I was lucky. There was a room available, four blocks from her place.

I wrote the address and drove to the place.

I rang the doorbell and a man answered the door. He was about fifty years old and introduced himself as Ben Varner.

He asked me to follow him to the second floor.

The room was spacious. There were French doors that led to a balcony. There was a private bathroom for every bedroom, so it was a good thing for me.

The room was well furnished; a big bed, two sets of drawers, a closet, a couch, a wall of shelves and a flat screen. It was perfect. It was perfect for me.

I paid the rent; cash and two months in advance.

I went back to the car to take my suitcases and my stuff and began to unpack everything.

Then, I went on internet again. I had to find a job. I had a lot of money but I couldn't survive an eternity with the money I had. So a part time job would be fine for me.

I looked for a job as a bartender. The salary was not fabulous, but the tips were. And a good-looking guy like me shouldn't have any problems receiving generous tips.

I knew how the girls reacted to me. I still had that power on the womankind. I would still use it, but this time, it would be to earn good money…not dirty money.

There were two places that interested me; 'Bentley' and 'La Boîte à Marcus'.

Those two places I already knew them. There were a lot of people going to those restaurants every night of the week, and it was even more crowded during the weekend.

I called at both restaurants and the owners wanted to meet me the next day, which was Thursday; two days before I would see Isabella again.

I had nothing to do for the rest of the evening. Isabella was at school and I couldn't call her, but I could text her. That was what I did.

E: Hello Bella.

Hope you have a nice night.

Thinking of you.

Miss you.

Edward xxx

At least, I hoped, she would text me back.

And I was right. Around 22:30, I heard my cell buzzing.

B: Hi Edward.

I had a hard time in maths.

Tired as hell.

Miss you too.

See you Saturday.

Bella xxx

_Thursday_

I woke up very early in the morning. I took a shower, shaved and dressed. I put on a tight-fit long sleeves white sweater, black pants and black boots. My hair…It was so messy and in complete disarray. I put gel to fix it. I didn't usually give a damn about my hair, but since I had those meetings in the afternoon, I better took a special care about my look.

Around 10:00, I decided to stop at La Stanza. I knew Isabella was serving breakfasts. I had not seen her since Tuesday and I was missing her a lot.

I drove my Volvo to the restaurant, parked it and walked into the place.

As soon as I saw Bella, my heart's pulse began to accelerate. _Jesus-Christ…this girl was_ _something._ She affected me in a way I'd never been affected before.

She told me to follow her. Every time I came to La Stanza for breakfast, she was the one serving me.

And she was so beautiful; smiling at me with this radiance glowing on her face.

I was attracted to her and I knew she was attracted to me. And for me, it was a first. It was both physical and emotional. Never a girl fascinated me the way Isabella did.

She gave me a cup of coffee and a glass of water.

"Hey Edward. How are you this morning?"

"I am fine Bella…and seeing you and your beautiful smile, make me feel better."

"Oh thank you Edward. That's a nice thing to hear. "Bella answered, blushing and smiling again.

"So, are you hungry this morning?"

"I am Bella. I am starving."

"What would you like to eat?"

"Hmmm…I'll take eggs…sunny side up, sausages, French toasts and a bowl of fruits."

"Okay, sir. Back as soon as it is ready." She added, now winking at me.

And she walked back to the kitchen to give my order to the cook.

I tried to read the newspaper but I couldn't concentrate at all. All I could concentrate on was the beautiful brown hair girl who was serving the clients.

Fifteen minutes later she came back to my table.

"Here you are Edward. More coffee…"

"Yes, thanks Bella."

"So what are you doing this afternoon, Bella?"

"I have a ton of homework. And I have an exam tomorrow. So, I'll spend my afternoon and my evening doing my homework and studying."

"What about you Edward? Are you busy?"

"Yes, I have two meetings this afternoon."

"Oh…Okay then. Now, excuse-me Edward. I have to go back to the kitchen."

"Okay"

I began to eat. And I kept on staring at Bella every time she was serving the clients.

My first meeting was in three hours. It should give me the time to take a coffee with Bella and drive her to her house.

She came back fifteen minutes later. She filled my cup of coffee again.

"Bella- Do you want to take a coffee with me after your shift? And I could drive you home, if you don't mind."

"Fine with me Edward. I couldn't stay a long time though. I have a lot of studying to do."

"Okay, great. Anyway, I have a meeting in three hours. And that way I will be sure that you are home safe."

"You are very protective Edward, aren't you?" Bella added.

"Yes…I feel very protective of you."

"Okay then…and thank you"

"My pleasure, Bella." I like to spend time with you."

"I like to be with you too."

I waited for Bella to complete her shift. Then, it was time to go.

We went to Tim Horton and talked a bit. But, I kept avoiding talking about my life and my work; about the life I was living just a few days ago, and about the work I was doing too. When she would know that I was a fucking pimp, she would be disgusted. But I knew that sooner or later, I would have to face my reality.

It will come a time when I would have to tell her; and I was really freaking out.

So, I asked her questions on the school and the classes she was attending. She loved her school. She loved the teachers and she enjoyed learning new subjects…even in maths…though it was difficult.

It was time to drive her home. My meeting was in an hour and a half and I had to be there on time. I drove slowly, enjoying every single minute I was with Bella.

Then, I was in front of her house. I kissed her on the cheek and told her I was going to call her tonight. I went outside and opened the passenger's door for her.

I took her hand and helped her to get out of the car.

"A real gentleman, aren't you Edward? " Bell said a huge smile on her face.

"Sometimes I am Bella. _Sometimes _I am"… emphasizing on the word sometimes.

She ran her fingers in my hair, kissed me on the cheek and climbed up the stairs. She opened the door, waved me goodbye and disappeared.

The meetings went well. I chose 'La Boîte à Marcus'. The owner had one condition though. I had to speak French. That was not a problem with me. I already spoke French fluently. I would work five nights per week. The boss needed additional staff on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.

This was perfect for me. Isabella had no school on Thursday and I could see her on Sunday as well. Is she wanted too; if after knowing the real me, she still would want to see me.

I would begin to work the next Monday; two days after _my date_ with Bella; two days after our visit to the museum.

I was beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe, there was something else for me too; a decent and normal life- a life with Bella in it.

There was something else I wanted to do as well; going back to school. I didn't know in what field yet. I already had my high school diploma. My marks were good. 'A' in every subject. So, I was not really afraid of _not_ being accepted to the Cegep.

Maybe, I could help delinquents. I knew there was a syllabus in juvenile delinquency.

Maybe, I could help those kids who were delinquents…maybe I could work as a social worker, but, working on the streets; help those teenagers to make good choices. And I knew I could help them. I had a lot of experience in that field. I knew the ins and outs of making bad choices. I had been a delinquent myself…not so far ago…

Yes, the more I was thinking about it, the more it made sense. I would go on Friday to see if I could register in this syllabus. And I hoped I would be accepted.

As soon as I was back home, I went on internet. There was a Cegep not very far from 'La Boîte à Marcus'. I checked the entire syllabuses they offered and there was one in juvenile delinquency.

Good…First thing in the morning, I would go to the establishment. There was no time to lose. If I wanted to have Isabella in my life, I had to take myself in hand. I had to prove her that I was willing to change. I had to change for myself and for her. She had goals and I wanted to have goals too. I wanted to have Isabella in my life, but the right way; and I would do anything to have a decent life- for me and for her.

I called the restaurant and ordered a pizza.

I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. There was nothing interesting.

I took my guitar and began to strum it.

_Somewhere along the way, my hopefulness turned to sadness._

_Somewhere along the way, my sadness turned to bitterness._

_Somewhere along the way, my bitterness turned to anger._

_Somewhere along the way, my anger turned to vengeance._

_And the ones that I made pay, were never the ones who deserved_ _it_.

And that was so fucking true. None of those girls deserved what I had done to them.

_How could you be, oh…oh…oh__?_

_So perfect for me_

_Why can't you ignore the things I did before?_

I just fucking hoped Isabella would forgive me. She had to forgive me.

I put my guitar on the bed and called her. I needed to hear her voice.

At the first ring, she answered.

"Hello"

"Hi Bella. How are you?"

"I am fine. Just finished my homework…I am eating dinner now. What are you doing?"

"I am waiting for the delivery boy. I ordered a pizza."

"So, how were your meetings Edward?"

"Great" I am quite happy."

"Oh! Nice"

"The doorbell is ringing. It must be the delivery boy. Bye sweetheart…See you on Saturday."

"Bye Edward. Have a nice evening."

"You too. Bye"

I hung up and went downstairs. It was the delivery boy. I paid the bill and gave him a tip.

Ben was in the kitchen, cooking.

"How are you Edward?"

"I am fine."

"We are alone in the house tonight. Stefan and Randall are working."

"Oh. Do you mind if I join you?"

"Not at all. Take a chair. "

Stefan and Randall were the two other guys who were living here. I didn't know them but I saw both of them the previous night.

"So Edward. Busy day today."

"Yes. I had a meeting, for a new job. I'll begin to work at 'La Boîte à Marcus' on Monday."

"Oh. I know that place. Are you happy?"

"Yes and I am going to visit a school tomorrow. I want to go to the Cegep. "

"Great. What were you doing before? Were you working?" Ben asked me.

"Oh yes. I was selling cars"…_evidently not wanting him to know that I was a pimp._

"But I need a change. And I really want to go back to school. "

"Good. You are young. So do what is the best for you."

"That's the plan." I'll do whatever it takes to get a better life."

"You seem a man of action. I like it."

"Well thank you Ben."

We ate and talked a bit.

Then, I went to my bedroom and took a shower.

I was exhausted. This day had been a long one. I took a magazine-National Geographic- and began to read.

There was an article on David de Rothschild and a crew of experts, scientific and creative who wanted to sail 12,000 nautical miles across the Pacific Ocean from San Francisco to Sydney in a boat made out of plastic bottles and recycled waste products. This epic voyage named _The Plastiki_, was taking his inspiration from Thor Heyerdal's 1947 expedition _The Kontiki_.

The team aimed to captivate and inspire, as well as to motivate tomorrow's environmental thinkers and doers to take positive action for the planet and be smart with waste. Ultimately, the scientists hoped to inspire people to rethink waste as a valuable resource. One person's waste could be another person's treasure.

So true… I always loved sciences and people who were conscious about the well being of the planet.

It would have been much better if I would have taken care of people living on this planet; not treating them as shit, not using them -Helping those people who were weak to have a better life- But, this would change soon. That was a promise I was making to myself.

I closed the magazine and went to bed. I soon drifted in a deep sleep.

_Saturday…and flashback from Friday_

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. I was going to see Isabella in the afternoon and take her to 'Le Musée des Beaux Arts de Montréal'. There was an exhibition of Claude Monet's painting; my favourite painter among all. This would be a very nice and pleasant day.

Friday had been a productive day as well. I went to 'Le Cegep du Vieux Montréal'.

I met a counsellor who told me there was a new semester beginning in six weeks.

The classes were not full yet and he didn't see any problem with me being accepted.

"With the marks you have …it would be a pleasure to have you as a student".

"I can't take the decision but I am sure the committee will gladly accept your registration. You will receive a confirmation soon. Consider yourself of being a new student at 'Le Cégep du Vieux Montréal'." The counsellor added in an enthusiastic voice.

"Thank you sir", I would be really happy to attend classes here and to be accepted in this syllabus."

"I am quite positive you will be. Good luck Edward."

"Thank you sir."

Another thing I could tell to Isabella. I was taking my life in hand. There were positive changes coming ahead.

I called her and told her that I was ready to pick her up.

It was noon and I wanted to have time to really see the exhibition.

Bella was waiting for me. I would be with her the entire afternoon and for dinner as well. I was so fucking happy. Finally, the sun was coming out. It was sunny outside and I could feel its rays in my heart.

I drove my Volvo to her house and picked her up…Beautiful…My God…She was so beautiful.

The visit went well. Bella was really impressed with Claude Monet's paintings.

I told her about Claude Monet'style.

She listened and appreciated the paintings. There was this light in her eyes that made my heartbeat accelerated.

God, I was falling in love with her. I knew it. I could feel it; Joy and pain.

Joy, because I was with her.

Pain, because of what I would have to tell her.

Then, it was time to go out for dinner. I was a real bunch of nerves. How would she react? I was tired of hiding things from her. But I couldn't tell her everything. I was not ready. I would begin to tell her about my childhood first. Then, I would tell her the entire truth. When I would be ready…

I took her to 'Le Bâton Rouge'. It was a cosy place; a nice place to have a discussion.

The waiter asked us what we would like to drink.

Bella ordered a glass of white wine and I took a beer.

Then, there was this atmosphere of embarrassment surrounding us again. Bella bit her lip…a sure sign that she was nervous, and I ran my fingers in my hair… a sign that I was nervous as well.

And then she began to talk. Bella thanked me for the beautiful afternoon and told me that she enjoyed being with me.

And Jesus-Christ…was it the same for me. I enjoyed every single minute I was with her.

She told me that she wanted to know me better. And that she wanted me to know her better.

Isabella told me everything about her childhood and her teenager life.

Fuck…I was in shock. It was just pain and suffering; far worse than my own childhood.

How could have she endure so much pain? When she told me about Esme Cullen and the shadow… Jesus… I was feeling that rage in my heart. What this Jason did to her…He raped her. Sure as hell, I would have killed this guy. He was a monster. He had destroyed her.

Then, she told me about her goals; helping teenagers who were living hell; helping them to denounce their abusers.

And that she found herself lucky, when she was living on the streets. That she could have been approached by a gang or a pimp.

And it could have been me. That was what I was thinking when she was talking; it could have been me…the fucking pimp, the bastard and the monster.

I couldn't talk. I was there, in front of her and I was in so much pain.

I couldn't endure it anymore. I couldn't endure myself anymore. I had to go.

"Bella…I will drive you home. I can't talk to you tonight."

I paid the bill and drove her home.

There was not a single word in the car. I was not able to talk.

I parked the car, got out and opened the passenger door for her.

"Will you call me tomorrow?" Bella asked in a sad voice.

"I don't know Bella."

I kissed her on the forehead and drove back to my place.

I knew that I would call her. My heart was already hers. But was her heart going to be mine? That I couldn't answer. It was my turn to tell her the truth. Just hoped she would understand and forgive me.

**End of chapter 10**

**A/N: The song Edward sang is 'Out of Blues' from Julian Casablancas.**

**Poor Edward… He is so much in pain now…He will confide in Bella very soon.**

**And how will she react?**

**Tell me what you think. ****Give me love and review. **

**Love you, **_**France**_** xxx**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hello to my lovely readers. ****Thanks to all of you who alert and fav my story.**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me. **

**Additional info: My ****mother tongue is French. I try to write a text with no mistakes. I love English. My ultimate goal is to master the language. If there are some mistakes in this chapter, please, excuse-me.**

_**France**_** xxx**

**HOPE**

**Chap.11**

**I HAVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH**

_When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone_

_When you're sure, you've had enough of this life_

_Well hang on_

_Don't let yourself go_

_Cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes._

_Hold on…_

**Everybody hurts…Bryan Greenberg**

**BELLA**

_After the visit to the museum__ and our conversation at Le Bâton Rouge_

The drive back home was tense, neither of us uttering a single word; and when I asked Edward if he would call me the next day, his answer left me quite perplexed.

He didn't know. Was it something I told him that disturbed him to a point he didn't want to talk to me anymore?

There was that pain in his eyes. I couldn't decipher it. It was so intense and so raw.

And why was he repeating that he was a monster? Why was he repeating that he was a bad guy and that when I would know the real him, I would not want to see him anymore?

He knew_ almost_ everything about me but he kept keeping me in the dark. The afternoon had been magical; being with him, spending time with him, discovering how clever, smart and cultivated he was. But when we were at the restaurant, when I was talking, all the magic moments we had together, went up in smoke.

Maybe I told him too much. Maybe he couldn't accept the fact that I had been raped. Maybe he was the one disgusted. But I couldn't hide it to him. I knew I was falling in love with him and I couldn't keep that part of my life from him. He had to know and I couldn't regret telling him the worst part of my life.

Maybe he was disgusted because I did blow jobs to men when I was living on the streets.

But I had no choices. I had to eat and to earn money. Even if I hated myself while doing it. It was that or letting myself die. And it could have been worse. I could have been approached by a pimp or a bad gang. And what would have happened to me?

I would probably still be in their clutches. At least, now, my life was quite good.

I had a job. I had a place to live and I was going to school.

I took a quick shower and went downstairs. I was not hungry at all but I had to eat something.

I took a muffin and a glass of milk and went back to my bedroom. Nobody was in the house which was fine with me. I didn't want to talk to anybody and I had to think about what had happened at Le Bâton Rouge. Maybe I could pinpoint the part of the conversation that had disturbed Edward so much.

And I was fucking tired of not knowing. The thoughts mulled in my head and even if I tried to shove the thoughts away, they kept coming back.

I had to call Edward right now and told him that I wanted to see him the next day. I was working in the morning but I was free in the afternoon and in the evening and he had to give me some explanations. No way was he going to keep me in the dark. I had opened my heart to him and he would have to do it as well.

I thought it was not fair. If he was that bad of a guy, maybe he ought to give me the chance to decide by myself. He could not be the judge of my own reactions without letting me decide.

I called him.

At the third ring he answered.

"Hello"

"Hi Edward. This is Bella".

"Hi"

There was a few seconds of silence; none of us breaking it.

"Edward…What's going on? Can you talk to me please? Is there something I told you that hurt you, or annoy you, or disturb you? I don't know…Your reactions…It worries me a lot."

He didn't speak for awhile. The silence was ominous as ever. I could not decipher everything he was feeling with that silence.

I was just hearing his hard breathing and something more; sobs and sniffing.

"What the hell is going on Edward? Please, tell me." I am so sorry. Maybe I should not have told you about my past. Maybe that was a big mistake."

"It's not you Isabella." Edward answered in a clipped voice. It's me. It's just fucking me. There is something you said that confused me a lot. Something you said about your past. Your teenager life. What could have happened to you? I could have been that bad guy. I could have hurt you. Jesus-Christ, I am so sorry. What did I do? I can't see my face in a mirror. You won't forgive me. I am sure. You will hate me. You just came in my life and I am going to lose you."

"Edward. Please, listen to me. You have to give me some explanations. You cannot judge my own reactions in advance. Let me be the one to decide. It is impossible that you are as bad as you think you are. There is goodness in you. There is generosity in you. Please, Edward. I want to see you tomorrow. Don't leave like that."

His voice was broken with sobs. It broke my heart to hear him crying. Both of us were in pain right now.

"Are you working tomorrow Bella?" He asked. Even asking this simple question seemed like a torture to him.

"I am working tomorrow morning but I finish at 12:00. Please pick me up at La Stanza after my shift. This cannot end that way. Our friendship…or whatever is going on right now between the two of us cannot end this way. I like you a lot Edward. I can't lose you…not now."

"I don't want to lose you either. And it's killing me. It's killing me Bella. I don't think you will want to have me as a friend when you will know the truth."

"Promise me you are going to pick me up after the job. " I asked him in a hesitant voice.

"I do promise you Bella. I will see you tomorrow."

"Bye Edward."

"Bye Bella".

"Don't forget your promise."

"I won't Isabella. I'll be there."

I didn't sleep well at all. It took me hours before I began to calm down. I finally drifted in a very agitated sleep, dreaming of my dead mother lying on the floor, dreaming of the shadow and his filthy breath and his hands all over me and dreaming of Edward crying and screaming. As I wanted to touch his face, he disappeared. My sleep was nightmarish and restless.

At 7:00 in the morning, the alarm-clock rang. My mind was all foggy and perturbed.

I took a shower. Maybe the hot water would soothe my nerves; it did nothing at all.

Why was my life so complicated and painful?

I was almost happy now; having a job, having a place to live, having a job and going to school were parts of my happiness. And above all, having met Edward—that beautiful, gorgeous, sexy and smart guy had contributed to make my life happier than ever.

Edward…He was so nice; always ready to help me, taking me out and making me discovering new things.

But now there was something wrong between the two of us. He seemed to be grief-stricken. His pain seemed unbearable.

Would there be a time in my life when everything would be fine?

I doubted it. Every time I was kind of happy, something had to happen to make my happiness go up in smoke.

I tried to shove these thoughts away but they kept coming back.

I was born under an unlucky star…and it seemed to me that happiness was not for me.

I brushed my hair and put it in a ponytail.

I made up my face and tried to hide the rings that were under my eyes but I didn't succeed at all.

I put on my clothes and went downstairs.

There were no sounds in the house. Everybody was sleeping.

I took a buttered croissant and a glass of milk. I was not hungry at all. My stomach rolled nauseatingly but I still shoved food in my mouth.

I brushed my teeth, took my leather jacket, my cell and my purse and went out.

To my big surprise, Edward was near his Volvo, waiting for me; and obviously he had not slept very well either. All his face was showing his overtiredness.

"Hi Edward"

"Hi Bella"

"I was not expecting you this morning." I said to him.

"I didn't sleep a wink and I had to see you."

"I didn't sleep well either. My sleep was restless and nightmarish. Our last conversation…I don't know…Maybe it was too soon to talk about my past…Maybe I shouldn't have."

"It's not you Bella. Don't feel guilty. It's just me. Some of the things you said. I don't know. I feel so ashamed."

"Okay, Edward. Just calm down. Just drive me to La Stanza and try to eat something. You can wait for me after your breakfast but maybe you could go back to your house and try to sleep. You look exhausted."

"I am tired. I am so fucking tired but it's not my lack of sleep. It's me. You don't know what I have done. I am a fucking bastard. I am an asshole. I am monster. I couldn't sleep anyway. I am so remorseful. I'll wait for you till you finished your shift."

He opened the passenger door for me and I slipped in the car. The drive was still tense and silent. Edward was deeply plunged in his own thoughts. I kept staring at him under my lashes…trying to read his mind.

We finally arrived at the restaurant.

We walked in the restaurant and he went at a table near the window.

"Can you bring me a newspaper Bella? Something to distract me. I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate on anything except you…Jesus-Christ."

"I'll go and see Felix. Give me a minute. I'll come back as soon as I can."

I walked in the kitchen to see my boss. Felix was helping the cook.

"Hey Bella. How are you this morning? You look tired."

"I am Felix. I didn't sleep well. It happens sometimes but I'll be okay for my clients. How many tables do I have to serve this morning?"

"Just five honey. There are seven waitresses this morning. And Kate is here. You don't know her. She is the one you stood in for two weeks ago. She is standing for Lauren this morning. Damn flu…It is the first time she serves breakfasts. I think it will be okay."

"Okay then."

As Felix was giving the numbers of the table in my section, Kate came in the kitchen.

Felix introduced us and told Kate that I would help her if she needed too.

"So Bella, still seeing Edward?" Felix asked me.

"Yes. We hang out from time to time. We went to the museum yesterday. I had a nice time. First experience for me. And Edward knows so much. He is so cultivated. I loved my afternoon."

"Good then. Okay girls. Back to work. Some clients must be hungry."

Kate followed me and grabbed me by the arm.

"Is it Edward Masen the guy you are hanging out with?"

"Yes"

"When did you meet him?"

"Two weeks ago…Why do you ask?"

"You seem a nice girl Bella…Maybe I should mind my own business. Watch out Bella. This guy is a womanizer."

"Oh…what…urgh…How…How come you know Edward?"

"I don't know him personally. He comes here very often. I always work at night. Every times he comes here; he is with a different girl."

"Yes, I know he comes here often. These girls are his employees."

"That is what he told you. Well, maybe I should keep my fucking mouth shut but he is very _close _to his employees."

"What the fuck do you mean by very close?"

"Well, if these girls are his employees, the way he behaves with them is very strange."

"What do you mean by very strange?"

"He looks like he is a boyfriend not a fucking boss. I am sorry Bella. That guy lied to you. He kissed them and I mean not just on the cheeks. That guy is a fucking liar."

"Are you sure it is him?" I almost snapped at her.

"Sure as fucking hell Bella. And what is weird is that all the girls he eats dinner with, just fucking look like you. So be careful. You seem a nice girl to me. I don't trust him at all. True…I didn't see him for the past two weeks. But…please watch out."

"Okay". I don't know him well. But fuck, he will give me some explanations. How can I concentrate on my job now? Can you serve him? I can't right now. "I am so confused."

"Okay Bella". It's fine with me. I understand. "

"And bring him a newspaper. I don't want to go to his table."

"Okay"

I walked back to the kitchen to tell Felix about the change. It was okay with him.

But I was not feeling okay at all. What the fuck? Was that the reason he didn't want to talk to me about his job? Was he even working? And if what Kate told me was the fucking truth?

Was he a womanizer? I knew he had a way with girls. Was he trying to seduce me? Like he did with his so-called employees.

Was he just a fucking façade? But he admitted he was not proud of his past. He told me that he was a fucking bastard and an asshole. He told me that he was a monster. He told me that he was a bad guy. Was it all the truth? Was he really a monster? And he said that I wouldn't want to see him when I knew the real him. Was it his way to manipulate girls?

That we felt pity for him and that we fell in love with him.

Sure as hell, he would answer all my questions. Sure as hell he would tell me everything about him. No way was he going to hide himself behind lies. As sure as my name was Isabella Swan, Edward was going to tell me the entire truth, not just a part of his life; all his life.

**E****DWARD**

There was definitively something wrong. Why wasn't Bella serving me? Why didn't she come to my table, as she usually did? I had the feeling that she was avoiding me. I kept staring at her but she didn't look at me…as if she was ignoring me.

And that waitress who was talking to her earlier. I knew her. When I was coming at the restaurant with one of my girls, she was the one usually serving us.

Fuck! What did she tell to Bella? That waitress knew that I was taking different girls on dates. She didn't know what my real job was though; that I had been not so far ago a fucking pimp. But she obviously noticed that I was _dating_ different girls. What a fucking idiot? I didn't even think that someday, some think like that would happen. I was surprised that Felix didn't talk to Isabella. True…He was often in the kitchen and maybe he didn't notice that all the girls were different. Maybe because they looked so much alike, he thought it was the same girl. I was now a real bunch of anxiety.

I was staring at Bella when she walked to the restroom. I followed her. Maybe she would tell me something…I didn't know. I was leaning on the wall when she walked out of the restroom.

She looked at me with angry eyes. Fuck…She looked furious.

"Bella, is there something wrong? Why aren't you serving me? You didn't come to see me once." I asked in a hesitant voice.

"Yes, there is definitively something wrong Edward. But I am busy right now. Go back to your table and wait. I am finishing my shift in one hour. You owe me explanations Edward. I am very upset. You better spill the beans. You better tell me truth; all the truth".

"That waitress talked to you, didn't she?"

"Yes she did…And what she told me is very ugly Edward. I hope this is a crass error, I sincerely hope for you."

"Will you at least give me the chance to explain everything about my shitty life…Will you hear me out?"

"I will Edward…from your first word to the last one; that I can promise you."

"Okay"

I walked back to the table. Bella would give me the chance to explain myself but I was almost sure it was a lost case.

I waited for Isabella till her shift was completed.

She came to my table and told me she was ready to go.

I asked her if she would mind to come to my house. I couldn't talk in a crowded place. The topic of the discussion was far too delicate and I didn't know how she would react.

She hesitated a bit and then she agreed.

She followed me to my car and I drove home.

The drive home was very tense; none of us speaking.

I parked the Volvo, turned of the ignition, slipped out of the car and opened the passenger door for her.

She followed me in the house and I offered her a beer.

We climbed the stairs, our beers in hands and we went into my bedroom.

I sat on the bed and she sat on the couch.

That was my turn now to tell her about my past; as I was already in hell, I began to talk.

"Okay Bella. I am going to tell you about my life… But remember your promise. You have to listen to me. I'll answer your questions as well. But there are some things I can't tell you. I would be endangered and so would you; but I will be as honest as I can. I promise."

"What did you do that could endanger your life Edward?" she asked me in a suspicious voice.

"Listen please…You'll judge by yourself after."

"Okay then."

I began to tell her about my childhood first. I told her about the bullies at school who threatened me, who beat me, who secluded me in class and who made my life as a child a living hell. I told her about the fear that was in my heart every fucking day. I told her that I endured it for three fucking years before I lost my control. I told her about my dog who was killed…I was absolutely positive by my intimidators. I told her about the dead rat I found in my schoolbag the last day I went to that school.

"Why didn't the teachers or the principal or your parents take care of that shit?" Why did they leave you alone? You were just a little kid…I don't understand."

"They didn't know anything Bella. I didn't want to talk about it. I was so fucking afraid all the time and they were always threatening me." I was afraid they would hurt my parents. So I kept my mouth shut till the day one of them put a dead rat in my schoolbag."

"Then I lost my control. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I can't blot out this awful memory from my mind."

"I am so sorry Edward. It must have been very traumatic for you. I can't even imagine."

"It was Bella…It was. My parents decided to sell the house. I was living in USA at that time, in a little town named Forks. Someday, I will return to that place and find those guys. I swear. I don't know what I will do but they will pay me back. They ruined my life. I made very bad choices after moving out from Forks, but fuck…they are the first one responsible. I'll have my revenge.

Bella didn't say anything. There was rage in her eyes. I could feel it.

"When we moved in Montreal, Canada, I was pretty happy. It was a new environment and nobody knew me. But I was not the same kid. The venom was in my heart. Nobody would hurt me ever. I began to attend boxing classes and went to the gym. I had a personal fitness trainer and I trained a lot. My body was very important. I was growing up and I knew I was a gorgeous teenager. I became acquainted with a gang. All I was looking for was bad people. From being the intimidated, I became an intimidator. Those were bad choices but at that time I didn't fucking care. I had that power over girls and boys and I used it.

"I began to sell drugs; not hard ones…the other boys in the gang were the one to sell hard drugs but I was the starting point. If the boys and girls I sold weed to, wanted to try more effective drugs that was not my fucking problem."

"Oh…Edward… That was so very wrong. Why did you do that? Nobody knew you. It could have been completely different for you. Why?"

"I can't answer to that question Bella. I don't know why. I still don't know why. I think it was maybe the only way I found at that time to protect myself."

"I had a lot of girls. I had sex with a lot of them. But I didn't fucking care about them. I used them for my own pleasure and that was it."

"I stole cars. I broke in houses. I was a member of this gang and I did what they asked me to do."

"I didn't care about school either. I ridiculed the teachers and didn't give a fucking damn about what they were teaching. But I had good marks. I was a self- educated…I mean…just looking in the books was enough for me. I didn't have to listen to them. I got my high school diploma with the highest marks. I guess that was why I was not expelled from high school."

"After high school, I went to live with a member of the gang. One day, I came home with a stolen car. My parents didn't know how to deal with me. They knew I was part of a gang. I didn't tell them but they guessed. They knew I was selling drugs too but they didn't want to denounce me. Maybe they should have." But they loved me…I guess that was the reason why they didn't call the cops."

"I was seventeen when I left my parents' house. I haven't seen them till that day."

"My father clearly told me that I was not his son anymore."

"Now Bella…That is the hardest part. For me, it is. But before I tell you, you must know that it is not my life anymore. I swear on my mom's life. I left my life; I left my job…because of you. I couldn't live that life anymore. I feel so guilty. You don't know how guilty I feel."

"I'll begin a new job tomorrow. I will work in a restaurant as a bartender. I will go back to school too. I am waiting for my letter of acceptation. I met the counsellor last Friday and he told me that my chances were pretty good."

"But I am so fucking afraid of your reaction. Jesus-Christ Bella…Please forgive me."

"I am listening Edward. Don't be the judge of your own turmoil."

"When I met you at La Stanza, I was with a girl."

"Yes you told me that she was your employee…Was she?"

"Yes she was."

"Kate told me that she saw you with different girls and that you were not looking like a boss; that you were looking like a boyfriend. Is that true?"

"Yes…She saw me with different girls. All those girls were my employees."

"And why were you kissing all of them? …Fuck Edward, I don't understand at all."

"They worked for me and I was also a kind of boyfriend."

"What the fuck? Did you sleep with your employees?" What kind of job was that?"

"I slept with them…yes… I was their protector…"

"What the fuck do you mean Edward? You were their protector…Were you a fucking pimp?"

"I was Bella…I am so sorry…I know I was a monster…But I swear to God…I left them…I don't see them anymore. I left the gang as well. Please Bella…don't leave me.

Please, forgive me. "

Bella was silent. Her face was torn with an expression of pain and chagrin. I saw the depth of her pain and tears formed in her eyes.

I took a deep breath and tears welled out of the corners of my eyes. A heavy wave of nausea rolled in my stomach. My hands were shaky. I ran to the bathroom and brought up all the food I ate in the morning.

When I came back in the bedroom, Bella was still on the couch. She was numb with grief; tears streaming down her cheeks."

My throat was too thick to talk.

We were staring at each other; tears running down on my cheeks too. I didn't know what to do.

Then, after what seemed an eternity she began to talk.

"Edward... What you did? ...I don't have a word strong enough. That repulsed me.

Why?"… Those poor girls. I should denounce you."

"Who was your boss?" What are the names of the boys of your gang? You couldn't be alone…doing this…That is absolutely fucking so monstrous."

"I can't tell you that Isabella. I can't answer to that question. I have to carry this secret to my grave. They would kill me. They would hurt you. We have a law in our gang; no betrayal, no denunciation. Please, don't do anything to put your life in danger. I don't fucking care about my life. But I could not live with the thought of you being hurt."

"That is so fucking sick. Edward…"

"I know Bella. I know. You don't know how much I hate myself."

Bella was still deeply disturbed. I knew it would be hard for her to forget and forgive; if ever she would be able to forget and forgive.

"Edward…You do understand that I am in shock right now. But I think it is in my nature to be fair."

"About four things I am absolutely sure though."

"First, I agree with you. You were a monster."

"Second, I am sure you told me the entire truth."

"And third, I don't know if I'll be able to forget your past…but I'll try."

"And fourth, I do forgive you…because you had a hard life and maybe I could have done very bad things too. I cannot condemn you. I have to trust you."

But, don't disappoint me ever…You want to change your life and that is great. You seem to want to take yourself in hands."

"You must promise me that you'll never see that gang and those guys. I hate them. I know these were your choices. Nobody forced you. But they are living a life I can't approve of."

"If ever one of your former _employees _need help, I want to know. I won't ask any questions to them but if I can help them I want to."

"There must be hope for these girls Edward…I am fucking serious about that."

"I like you Edward. I still like you. I don't like the guy you were before. But you are not the same. I see enough pain in your eyes to feel that you immensely regret what you have done in your past."

"Don't deceive me…ever…"

"I won't Bella. I won't. I will never deceive you."

I stood up and took Bella in my arms. I squeezed her in a tight embrace, tears running down on my face. She threw her arms around my waist.

I would prove her that I could be a good guy. My shitty life was behind me; a spasm of hope made my heartbeat accelerated.

A new life was beginning.

**End of chapter 11**

**A/N: I hope you loved this chapter.**

**Now Bella knows about Edward's past and she is forgiving him. **

**But will she forget? Only she knows.**** And she said Edward knows the entire truth about her life…**_**almost**_**…Is there a part of her past that she wants to keep secret as well? ...**

**What do you think?**

**Will they help each other?**

**At least, there is hope for the two of them.**

**They both want to have a better life and they want to be happy.**

**I would like to read your comments.**

**Give me love and review.**

**Love you **_**France**_** xxx**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hello to m****y readers. Thanks to all of you who follow me. Thanks to my new readers too.**

**My mother tongue is French. I do try very hard to write a text with no mistakes in it. If there are mistakes, please excuse-me. I love English. I don't master the language completely yet. But it is my ultimate goal. And writing in English is a challenge for me. It keeps my brain working a lot harder. **

**The characters belong to S.M. But in HOPE, they belong to me.**

**o*o*o*o***

**HOPE**

**Chapter 12**

**WHO I AM TO JUDGE?**

**BELLA**

The shock had worn off, and I was myself again.

It was in my nature to be fair. I had to give Edward a chance to prove me that he could change.

When he was talking about his childhood, how lonely he was, how frightened he was, how sad and distressed he was, I could almost touch his pain. I could see all the sorrow in his eyes; his green eyes swollen with tears. My heart was suffering to see his expression of chagrin.

I knew how it could feel to be secluded. I'd endured my share of loneliness; never loved, never cared of, never wanted. I didn't think my own mother ever wanted me, not to talk about my own father. The only time I felt being loved was when I was living with Esme.

Edward seemed so devastated while he was telling me about his life as a young kid. I could picture him; a small, sensitive boy lost in his own world, not being able to fight against his bullies; the monsters who had made his childhood a living hell.

I stared at him and felt how lost he should have been at such a young age. His sorrow brought tears to my eyes. Maybe, I had been a stronger child than he was at that time.

I had been so much mistreated; battered, famished, neglected and abused that I hid my hatred behind walls of aggressiveness, indifference and selfishness. I hardened my heart and I steeled it against any emotions.

At school, nobody dared to provoke me. I was so aggressive and violent. Even in the early years of high school, though I was not that present, nobody tried to confront me. I was not a member of a specific gang. Students were kind of afraid of me. True…I was sort of friendly with the hardest teenagers in the school but I didn't want to belong to anybody. I had no freedom in the foster homes; I had to have a kind of freedom at school. And there was that blackness in my eyes, that evil look; I guessed students thought that I was weird and sort of insane.

While living with Esme, I gradually changed. She made me realize that this world was not only cruelty and malice. She showed me that there were good people in the society. There was love and happiness and some people I could completely trust. I believed her, till the shadow ruined everything she had succeeded to shape day by day.

And then, while I was on the streets again—I was almost positive—God, even if I was not a strong religious believer, was with me this time.

I knew girls who had not been lucky as I was; lucky…being a very weird word to use…due to all the shit I had gone through.

I was lucky enough not to have been approached by a gang or pimps. And My God, when I was thinking about it—it could have been Edward on the streets who would have tried to get a hold over me and I could have fallen into his clutches.

That part of his life was the hardest part for me to hear.

My eyes were frozen wide when he told me about his teenager life, as a member of a gang and as a drug dealer; how he used his power to attract girls and to have sex with them. How he didn't give a shit if the girls became addicted to harder drugs.

Worst, when he told me that he had been, not so far ago, a fucking pimp. All those girls—these girls who were his supposedly employees were prostitutes—and he was their pimp.

I could feel my stomach twisted and contracted in revulsion when he spat out these monstrosities to my face. And his face was twisted in remorse. I had this sharp pain in my heart, this acid taste in my mouth. I could feel tears burning in my eyes, a knot in my throat. I was numb with pain and disgust.

Edward had been a pimp like my own fucking father. _His girls were—as he called_ _them_—fucking whores.

But could I judge them? And could I judge him?

I certainly could not judge the girls. They were poor, weak girls, in need of affection and love. I knew how pimps were working; using their charms, promising a better life, treating those girls as princesses, manipulating them till they fell in love.

When I heard Edward vomiting his food, it was as if he was puking up his own life. It was so hard to even imagine that he was one of them. My heart squeezed inward painfully just with this horrid thought. My heart was broken just by the thought he had been such a horrendous and despicable guy.

I was different from Edward. I reacted differently—but what if I had chosen the wrong path—what if God had let me down.

My life was better now. I had goals. I was sort of happy.

I still wanted Edward in my life. I hated the person he was before. The single idea of him having been a pimp still repulsed me.

But deep in my heart, I knew I loved the man he was now. But this, he would not know; not now. I didn't know him when he was a bad guy. I didn't know him when he was a monster.

The guy I knew was a good guy; attentive, generous, sensitive and cultivated.

I would take my time; hanging out with him from time to time. I wanted to see with my own eyes, how willing he was to change. I would go out with my friends as well. I would go out with Harry. I didn't need a monster in my life. I had dealt with enough monstrosities in my existence so far. All I needed was happiness. And I would find my happy place; with or without Edward.

**o*o*o*o***

**EDWARD**

It had been a very long night. I hadn't slept yet, though the sun was far up in the sky. I was relieved though; the weight was finally of my shoulders and my chest.

Bella knew everything about my horrid past. I could feel the repulsion in her eyes when I told her that I had been a pimp. Her expression hardened when I told her the way I used my power to recruit the girls. I saw the disgust flash in her eyes.

I had this pain in my chest; sobs bursting up through my lungs when I was telling her about my shitty life.

I realized now how a bastard I was. I had made the wrong choices and people were suffering because of me. I was so afraid Bella would walk out of my bedroom without a backward glance at me—but she didn't.

I was so worried now. I could barely think straight. I couldn't concentrate on anything either. The turmoil I had in my head was still there. What if she didn't want to see me anymore? Even if she told me that she was forgiving me…What if she had changed her mind?

I couldn't change my past. What was done was done. But I could change my life from now on. I would prove to Bella that I was a good guy; deep inside me was a beautiful person. I knew it. Just hoped she would give me the chance to prove her, that I was not a bad guy.

It was around one in the afternoon when I decided to go downstairs. Stefan and Randall were in the living room, watching a football game.

"Hey Edward, how are you?" Randall asked me.

"I am exhausted. I didn't sleep a wink. Fucking nervous about my new job. I am beginning to work tomorrow. I never worked as a bartender. Hope everything will go fine"—that was what I told him, evidently hiding the real cause of my insomnia.

"You shouldn't worry about working in a bar. With the face and the body you have man; all those chicks will be crazy about you." Randall added, winking at me.

"Well, I am not interested in girls. I have one girl in my mind. Those other chicks, I don't give a fucking damn about them. They can give me generous tips though, that I would really appreciate. But they shouldn't expect anything from me. My heart belongs to one…That's it."

"Who is this lovely girl? Are you dating her?" Stefan asked.

"We are hanging out from time to time. Not dating her yet. We are dealing with some shit right now. Just hope we will be able to get through it."

"So…It is not only the job that is worrying you?" Stefan said.

"I don't like to talk about my personal life…But you are right…Both the girl and the job worry me. I am hungry guys, so excuse-me, I'll go out and eat something."

"Bye Edward. See you." Randall said.

"See you."

I walked to my Volvo, unlocked the door and slipped in it.

Should I call Isabella? I was just a bunch of nerves. Was she okay? Did she want to see me again? I had to know. I took a deep breath. Sweat was running down on my face. My hands were moist and my heart was constricted in my chest.

I called her. At least, I would hear her voice. I would know if she was still my friend.

At the third ring, she answered. My voice was shaking and I had trouble breathing normally.

"Hello"

"Hi Bella. It's Edward. I'll go straight to the point. I am a real bunch of anxiety. Can I see you please?"

She didn't talk for a few seconds; those seconds seemed an eternity for me.

"I don't know Edward. I am fucking exhausted. I had a very restless night. I have an exam tomorrow. I have to study."

"Please Bella, just a coffee. I need to see you."

"Okay then. I am waiting for you. Just a coffee Edward. I do seriously have to study this afternoon."

"Okay Bella. I am going to be in front of your door in ten minutes."

I was so fucking happy. She still wanted to see me. I couldn't control the tremors that were shaking down my spine. Bella was still my friend. Maybe, at last there was hope of a very happy life for me; a life with Bella in it.

She was already outside when I parked the car. I slipped out of the car and almost ran to open the passenger door for her. I squeezed her in a tight embrace and kissed her on the cheek.

"Oh thank you Bella. I was so fucking afraid that you wouldn't want to see me anymore. Thank you…Thank you so much"

"Edward, I am not the one to change my mind. I told you that I was forgiving you and that I would give you a chance to prove me that you are taking your life in hand. I have one word. You promised me that you were willing to change. Just don't forget your own promise though…Don't deceive me."

"I won't Bella. Trust me on that one. I will never _ever_ deceive you."

I drove my vehicle to the Tim Horton. I took a coffee for myself and a cappuccino for Bella. I bought all-buttered croissants. We sat around a coffee table and began to talk.

"So what exam do you have tomorrow?"

"An exam on French grammar. I like French though it is fucking difficult; all those verbs and the genders…Fuck… I do have to memorize almost all the words. There is no other way."

"Yes", French is difficult. C'est très difficile. But it is a beautiful language. La langue de la romance—La langue de l'amour…_It is very difficult_…_The language of romance…The_ _language of love."_

"You speak French?"

"Yes, I speak French fluently. "

"Jesus-Christ Edward. What else are you hiding from me? When did you learn French?"

"I watched French TV a lot. I read many books. I am a very quick learner. I learnt it at school as well."

"Fuck…You are so clever. I didn't know you spoke French."

"I do. I can help you if you want."

"You should give me private lessons; good in maths, in sciences, in arts…What else? What is your IQ?"

"Higher than the average. Compared to Einstein…Now I am embarrassed Bella. You must now really wonder why I scrapped my life. It could have been much better. I know. I chose the wrong path but I'll remedy to this situation; the sooner, the better."

"I know you will Edward. I hope you will."

"Trust me honey. I'll do it for you and for me. I so much want to be a better guy for you."

"Do it for yourself Edward. I don't carry a lot of weight in your life and in your decision to change your lifestyle."

"You don't see yourself very clearly Bella. I don't want to lose you. I_ like_ you a lot."

"I have something to tell you Bella. I don't want to hide anything from you."

"What?"

"I know I promise you not to contact any members of the gang."

"Yes, Edward…You promised. I hate them."

"I will have to call the leader."

"Why? Bella asked in a furious voice.

"Because I am worried about the girls". I added in a husky voice. "I just want to be sure they are okay."

"Okay Edward. Just one condition though. You will call him when I am with you. I don't want to control you. And you just talk about the girls; no drugs dealing, no dirty business. And remember, if any of your former_ employees_ need help I want to know. I was serious about it and I am still fucking serious."

"Okay Bella."

"I want to ask you a question Edward and I want an honest answer. How were you with the girls…I mean as a pimp. Did you ever mistreat them? Did you ever beat them?

Did you ever threaten them?"

"Never Bella. I swear on my mother's life. I was not that kind of a guy. I would never _ever_ hit a woman. I despise men who beat a woman. I despise parents who hit their kids. I would never lay a finger on a woman or a kid. That is why I want to call J…I mean the leader."

Jesus-Christ, I almost said Jake…control your fucking damn mouth Masen, I thought inwardly.

"Call him now, Edward. I am here and I want to know how the girls are."

"Urgh…Okay"

I called Jake. He answered at the first ring.

"_Hello. It's Edward. How are you?"_

Bella was staring at me with all the intensity of her chocolate-brown eyes.

"_How are the girls?"_

Bella was biting her bottom lip; a real sign of anxiety.

"_Okay good. Umm….No, I don't want to hear about your business. I am out of that shit._ _Sorry…_"

Bella was fidgeting on her chair.

"_Okay. If there is a problem with the girls, please call me. Bye._

Then, I hung up.

"So Edward. What did the bastard tell you?"

She evidently hated Jake and the gang.

"Everything seems okay."

"How can you be sure?

"I trust him Bella. I know you can't understand it but he would never lie to me. He was a brother for me."

"Well…a very nice family you had." Bella added in a sarcastic tone.

"Let's not ruin our moment together Bella. I would like to erase my past if I could but I can't. "

"Okay Edward…maybe he was a brother to you but I still hate him for what he is."

"Bella please…"

"Okay Edward. It is just that I hate that kind of guy. So, you are beginning your new job tomorrow. Are you nervous?"

"I am a bit nervous. I never worked in a restaurant. I don't know if I would be a good bartender."

"Oh, I am sure you will. You are sort of beautiful Edward. The girls will be crazy about you. "

I started to laugh.

"You think I am sort of beautiful, really?"

"Masen, don't try to dazzle me. You know you are gorgeous as hell. I am not blind Edward. Every girl here is fucking looking at you."

"I am not interested in any girl Bella; the only girl who interests me in sitting just in front of me. You are so beautiful."

"Okay Masen…Enough. You are embarrassing me. Don't ruin everything. We are just friends. And I want it that way."

"Friends …I know Bella. I told you I'd give you time and I don't mind waiting for you to think things through." I've got a lot of time and a lot of patience Bella.

"What do you mean Edward?"

"I like you Bella…I like you a lot…In fact, I am falling for you."

"You…What…You love me? …"

"I think I do Bella. "

"I can't promise you anything Edward. I like you a lot. Let's just be friends."

"I have a lot of patience Bella. You are in my life and I don't want to lose you."

"You won't lose me. Just don't deceive me."

"Trust me please. I have something to ask to you."

"What?"

"I am working on Saturday. I would like you to come at 'La Boîte à Marcus'. There is a band playing. It could be fun. I would like you to come."

"Well, why not? I would like to see you in action. Maybe, I'll ask the girls who are living with me to come too. Yes, it is a very good idea.

"Okay Edward…I do have to go home. It is almost 5:00. I really have to study."

"Okay ma'am…I'll drive you home."

I slung my arm around her shoulders. Friends could do that. Just hoped we could be more than friends.

I knew I was in love. This girl was mine. She was not ready yet. I would give her all the time she needed.

**o*o*o*o***

**A/N: End of chapter 12**

**I hope you liked this chapter. Edward is in love with Bella. There is a light at the end of his tunnel. This light is called Bella.**

**But is Bella ready? She wants to take her time. We know she is in love with Edward too…We know, but Edward doesn't.**

**There is finally hope for the two of them.**

**Give me love and review…I love reading your comments.**

**Love you **_**France**_** xxx**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hello to my lovely readers. Thanks for your support. Thanks to all the new readers who alert and fav my story****. **

**My mother tongue is French. My ultimate goal is to completely master English. I love English. I try to write a text with no mistakes at all. If there are mistakes in this chapter, please excuse-me. Love**_** France**_

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**o*o*o*o***

**HOPE**

Chapter 13

**JOY AND PAIN**

_Oh sometimes I wonder_

_Will you be my shoulder?_

_If I cry_

_Would you comfort me?_

_Will you love me forever?_

_And will you take me like no other?_

_Cause no I can't say_

_What's in your heart?_

_And I wonder baby, will you stay with me?_

_Now I've lost my disguise_

_So I'll just put it on the line_

_Think I've found what I wanted_

_For so long now_

**I wonder…****Bobby Bazini**

**EDWARD**

I woke up very early in the morning. Today was the beginning of a normal life for me; as far as I was going to have a real job and that I would receive an honest salary for it. I was impatient to receive my letter of acceptance from the Cégep as well. I hoped I would get a positive response from the mail this week. I thought about my last afternoon with Bella. God, was I a real pack of fucking nerves. The questions she asked me on my way of treating the girls. If I ever had beaten or threatened them; there was no beating around the bush with her. I could never lie to Bella. She was good in reading people's attitudes and I would never lie to her. Her question startled and shocked me a lot. I thought pimps or men who beat girls were just fucking bastard cowards. Never, _ever _would I raise a hand on a woman. And the parents who mistreated their kids were monsters as well. Just the thought of it made my stomach rolled nauseatingly.

I was so fucking happy that Bella wanted to give me a chance. I didn't know how to deal with my new feelings too. I knew I was in love with her; the intense heat I could feel in my heart, the blazing fire running into my veins were emotions so new to me. I had never been in love before and I was freaking out.

I knew she was not ready for more than a friendship but I was hoping for more; and as I had always thought, lovers should be the best friends in the world. Bella was my friend. I wanted her to be my best friend and I wanted her to be my girlfriend as well.

I was a very patient guy. I think that was my best quality. I would give her the time to appreciate me, to know me better. I would give her time to think things through. Maybe some days, she would realize that I was a really nice guy and that she would fall for me.

And if that happened, I knew that I would show her more patience than ever. I loved sex but I knew that Bella had been raped, and that this atrocious event had left very painful marks deep inside her. I would give her the time to completely trust me. I would show her that making love to a person, whom you were really in love with, was the most delicious intense feeling two persons could share.

My cell phone buzzed. I took it. It was a text from Bella.

B: Hi Edward

B: I am at work

B: Are you hungry?

B: Come from breakfast

B: Not too crowded this morning

Just reading these simple lines, my heart began to flutter and to beat unevenly. Jesus-Christ, she wanted to see me.

I texted her.

E: Taking a quick shower

E: I am hungry

E: See you soon

E: Miss you xxx

I almost ran in the bathroom. I took a shower, washed my body and shampooed my hair, rinsed thoroughly and towel dry.

I shaved and tried to make my hair looked a bit less messy. It was always in so much disarray. It was absolutely a lost case. I didn't like to put gel in it, so I let it dry and went to dress.

I put my boxers on, a pair of black jeans, a green tight-fit long sleeves sweater, black socks and my Doc Martens. I took my cell, my wallet, my keys, my black leather jacket and my sunglasses and walked out the house.

Ten minutes later, I was in the restaurant, and Bella welcomed me with the most beautiful smile I had ever seen on a girl's face. She was absolutely fucking radiant. Her hair was in a pony tail swinging from side to side as she was walking. Fuck…wasn't she the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen in my whole life?

I followed her to a table and sat on the chair.

"Bella, you are so beautiful this morning."

"You're looking pretty good yourself Edward. How are you?"

"I am fine; in fact, more than fine. I am so happy you texted me. Seeing you, so soon in the morning, makes my day a great day."

"Well thank you Eddie…Oops…sorry."

"You can call me Eddie if you want." I added, with a smirk.

"So Eddie", she added, laughing. What would you like to eat?" -eggs, bacon?

"Eggs and bacon would be okay with me."

"Okay, back in a few."

I looked at her when she was walking to the kitchen. Fuck, the way she was swinging her hips made my cock twitching in my pants and screaming for release._ Hey, calm down you…We've got a long way _to _go before we can touch her_. Now I was talking to my hard-on massive wood…Absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Bella came back with a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee.

"Here you are sir." She said winking at me.

"No sir, Bella please. It makes me look like an old man."

"Okay sir…Eddie. She added laughing. And you look fucking sexy for an old man.

I started to laugh. My girl was in a good mood today. My Bella…though she didn't know it yet. _Please God, you know I love this girl. Help me. _Jesus, I was talking to God now. What the fuck was going wrong with me?

She came back with my breakfast and a newspaper.

"Enjoy your breakfast, and here is a newspaper for you. Read what is going on in the world. I'll come back later."

"Thanks Isabella. Come and see me once in a while."

"I will Edward. I am serving you, remember?"

"Yep," I added, popping the 'p'. You are the best and the most gorgeous waitress here this morning."

"Are you flirting me sir?"

"Yes, I think I am."

She ran her fingers in my hair and walked to another table. My cock was straining and twitching in desperation in my jeans. I would have to take care of it later; my balls were very near to explode. I tried to calm myself; my cock was sending naughty thoughts to my brain. But it would be my own hand on my dick. No girls were to touch my dick ever again, apart from Bella.

When Bella finished her shift I asked her if she wanted to come and take a walk with me. We were in the middle of December but the outside temperature was fairly mild for this time of the year; strange country here. I mean, the country was beautiful but the weather was like in the beginning of fall, not at the end of it. There was no snow on the ground yet and there were trees that still had beautiful coloured leaves on their branches. It was quite unusual. Normally, at the beginning of December, the snow already covered the landscape; not this year.

Bella happily accepted to spend the afternoon with me. I was beginning to work at 19:00 so it would give us time to spend few hours together.

I drove the Volvo to the Mount-Royal. It was a beautiful mountain. I parked the car and we slipped out. We saw many hikers, families with young kids and lovers.

I took her hand and she didn't make a move. I guessed it was okay with her that I held her hand while we were walking. People were certainly thinking that we were dating and God did I wish that this beautiful girl was my girlfriend.

The conversation was pleasant. There was no embarrassment between the two of us; no secrets, no mysteries and all the pressure that was in my chest was gone up in smoke.

"Isn't it magnificent Edward?" No snow yet. This is a perfect weather to be outside. You know, fall is my favourite season among all. I can't believe that there are still leaves on the trees. Look at all those colours; from golden yellow to blazing orange, from red to deep crimson, from light green to emerald green. This is really a masterpiece. If God is a painter, this is truly his most magnificent work of art."

"I do love autumn as well Bella. I like to breathe the air. It seems purer that in any other season. And I do agree with you. There is nothing equal to this splendour."

The sun was bright in the afternoon sky; the light reflecting on Bella's hair, eyes and face enhanced the peach complexion of her skin, the brilliance of hair and made her eyes sparkling like onyx.

God, this girl was perfection. She didn't realize how the simple pressure of her hand in mine was affecting me; my pulse was jumping in my veins just by her delicate touch. I held her hand tightly and my skin burnt even more.

I brushed my lips on her hair. The scent of her hair, a mix of lavender and lilac was so fucking sweet-smelling.

I took a deep breath, wanting to absorb every single ounce of her perfume.

"Are you sniffing me Edward?" Bella asked, a mocking smile on her lips.

"I guess I am Bella. You smell so good."

"You smell good too Edward."

She ran her fingers through my hair. Fuck, my blood was rushing though my veins. My heart was pounding so fast and my balls were very near exploding.

Never a girl affected me like Isabella. It would be very hard to control myself. Her single presence made my heart burning into intense flames.

It was almost 16:00. The sun was setting down and it was time to go. I didn't want to leave her but I had too. I had to take a shower and to take care of the beast that was straining my jeans. I didn't want my balls to turn blue.

"Bella honey, I have to drive you home. I have to take a shower and eat something before I go to work; _evidently not telling her that my balls needed some kind of release_. I'll try to call you tonight during my break."

"Okay Edward. I loved my afternoon with you. I love every single minute I am with you."

"I enjoy being with you. You are my favourite person in this world. You are my best _friend_…You know that don't you?"

"I know Edward. You are my best_ friend_ too."

I drove her home; my fingers tracing small circles on her knuckles. A friend could do that couldn't he? At least, she didn't try to move my fingers from her hand.

**o*o*o*o***

**BELLA**

I had a wonderful time; being with Edward was pure pleasure.

Fuck…I was so attracted to him. It would be hard to stay friends. I knew I was in love with him. I knew it and I was fucking scared.

I couldn't resist texting him in the morning. He was always in my mind.

When he walked in the restaurant, I felt that weakness in my knees. Sweat was running down my spine. He was so fucking gorgeous. He looked like a Greek God. He also had that bad boy look; his black leather jacket and his Oakley sunglasses on, his black jeans and Doc Martens. Jesus-Christ, he fucking looked like James Dean but in a sexier way.

The walk in the mountain was absolutely, incredibly pleasant. All that splendour surrounding us and the simple fact of spending time with Edward enhanced every single colour that was in the wood. The sun was brighter; the colours in the leaves were more vivid- even the air seemed fresher.

That was the look of love. That was the look a person in love had; seeing every single thing shining with more brilliancy. I knew it. I never had been in love before. And I was really freaking out.

There was that burning flame radiating through my cells. My heart was a wild fire.

When he was holding my hand and grazing my knuckles, I could feel a jolt of warmth in the pit of my stomach and something else; a pulse in between my thighs. Nothing compared to my resentment when the shadow was touching me. And that was what was really turning me upside down.

I had to control myself. It was much too soon. I already knew that Edward was in love with me. At least, he said that he was falling for me. And the way he was looking at me, the way he was touching my hand, his lips brushing my hair and smelling my perfume were not something that usually was going on between mere friends. But, I was so fucking afraid; if I declared that I was in love with him…what you happened next? I knew what would happen. How would I react? Giving my soul and my heart to someone was a thing; giving my body was another thing. I was not ready for that. My experiences with sex were bad ones. Just thinking of being touched, just thinking of someone's cock filling my inside was repulsing me. When I was living on the streets and doing blow jobs, I was disgusted. I did it because I had no choice. Even a tongue in my mouth, I didn't know what would be my reaction. I already had kissed Edward, just on the mouth. His lips on mine were so soft. That was not repulsive; but what about all the other things? Making love to someone who was your boyfriend-sharing that kind of intimacy…Was it something beautiful after all? I didn't know it. All I could remember about sex was pain and disgust…and fear.

I was not able to concentrate on anything. Edward was in my mind, the shadow was in my mind and fear was in my heart. Maybe, it was the time for me to get some help. Maybe I could talk to Carmen Cope. Someone had to help me to come out of the darkness. I had never talked to anybody about the despair and the rage I had deep inside me…regarding sex…I had to spit it out. I couldn't keep the venom that was ravaging my inside. I had to talk to Carmen; for my own mental health and for Edward too. I knew I had to do it.

I took my cell and dialled Carmen's number.

At the second ring, she answered.

"Carmen Cope speaking."

"Hello Carmen. It's Bella"

"Hello darling. How are you?"

"I don't know how I am feeling right now."

"What's going on Bella?"

"I need to see you. I met this guy. I think I am in love. I know I am in love."

"Well, that is great honey. I am so happy for you. What is going wrong Bella? If you are in love"

I cut her in the mid-sentence.

"I am freaking out Carmen. I am so fucking afraid. We are just friends but I know he loves me and I know I am in love with him too. But I am so fucking scared. When it will be the time to make love to him… I don't know. Sex is disgusting me. The shadow…Fuck... Do I hate him? What he did to me? I am so devastated. I never _ever_ talked to anybody about the hatred and the violence that I have in my heart. Edward has nothing to do with the resentment I feel for the shadow. Jesus-Christ, I am so lost. I have to talk to you. I need help."

"Calm down Bella. True…Edward has nothing to do with the shadow. I will help you hun. You need to sort this out-_For your own good_- When do you want to see me? Do you work tomorrow?"

"I do and I have school tomorrow night. I have nothing to do in the afternoon."

"Okay, come to my office tomorrow afternoon. I will cancel the meeting I have. You are my priority."

"Thanks Carmen. Thank you so much."

At least, Carmen would help me. She would listen to me. It was time to spill the beans out. I knew it would be painful. But I had to talk about it; _for my own good and for_ _Edward too._ I had to let the venom out. There was love in my heart…The love I felt for Edward. There was no place for venom in it. I had finally found my happy place. Edward was my happy place. I wouldn't tell him tough; not yet. I would let the rage out and let peace fill my heart again. The sun was finally coming out. A wind of hope was blowing the dark clouds away.

**o*o*o*o***

**End of chapter 13**

**A/N: ****I hope you liked reading this chapter.**

**The song is from Bobby Bazini. This guy has an absolutely marvellous voice. His album is incredible. He is twenty years old and he is a Canadian…a Quebecer just like me…His songs are a mix of –soul, blues and folk—His album is called Better in time. I am absolutely sure you will love it. **

**Tell me what you think. Bella and Edward are in love but Bella is not ready to tell Edward. She has so much to deal with it. She is so afraid of her new feelings and she is terribly scared about anything dealing with sex.**

**Give me love and review. I love reading your comments.**

**Love you **_**France**_** xxx**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hello to my readers. Thanks for your support and your love. **

**My mother tongue is French. I don't completely master English, though I think I am improving. ****I try to write a text with no mistakes. If there are mistakes in this text, please excuse-me. Love you **_**France **_**xxx**

**The characters belong to a very talented author, S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**o*o*o*o***

**HOPE**

**Chapter 14**

_I want to run but I'm stuck_

_In a nightmare so freaky_

_I want to fly_

_But it's cutting my wings off_

_And it kills me_

_And it's just freaky_

_I've been dreaming tonight_

_Of a violet tainted sky_

_And a black ship moving_

_In the middle of the night_

_There was a terrifying moon shining_

_There's a killer on the boat_

_And he may stone your soul_

_And you'll be forever haunted_

**Bobby Bazini…Freaky**

**SCARS**** PART 'A'**

**EDWARD**

I called Isabella during my break. She seemed so anxious. I didn't like the sound of her voice. I could feel her pain and sadness.

"Hey Bella", it's Edward. How are you? Is everything okay?"

"Yes Edward. I am just really so tired tonight. I've been studying all night long. Just hope I will have good marks in the French exams tomorrow."

"I am sure everything will be fine Bella. Don't worry. I can help you tomorrow afternoon, if you want."

"No, I can't see you tomorrow afternoon. I have a meeting with Carmen Cope at 'La Mission Bon Accueil'. I need to talk to her; girl's talk…"

"You can tell me everything Bella. You know that, don't you? You are my best friend."

"I know Edward. But…this…I cannot discuss it with you. "

"Is something bothering you? Now, you worry me honey. I don't know, your voice is so different."

"Don't worry Edward. I just have to talk to Carmen. I am sure she will help me to sort

this out."

"Oh okay then. Call me tomorrow after your meeting with Carmen. Will you call me please?"

"I will Edward…I promise."

I hung up. I was really anxious now. What was going on with my girl? She was so happy this afternoon. I didn't believe that she was just tired. There was something more. I could feel it and now that I knew she was going to meet Carmen Cope, I definitely knew that there was something wrong. She had lived such a painful life and she endured so much. I was absolutely fucking sure that the shadow had something to do with the turmoil she was dealing with. I hated that beast so much. What he had done to Bella was something disgusting and absolutely monstrous.

I didn't have much time to dwell on those negative thoughts. The restaurant was really crowded, even for a Monday night. There were many University students celebrating the end of the fall semester and there were business women and business men celebrating Christmas with their employees and having a party before the Christmas Holidays.

The atmosphere was festive. It was around 11:30 and most of the people were in a highly happy mood; some of them drunk as skunks, others slightly inebriated. I had made a lot of tips up to now. Girls were really generous and some of them were absolutely crazy.

I could hear those girls whispering…"Fuck…Look at that sexy ass…-Look at those eyes and that face-I want that guy in my bed tonight…Some were whispering, but some of them were almost throwing themselves at me; alcohol affecting their behaviour.

I saw many cleavages that night; breasts brushing my arms when I was serving drinks, fingers in my hair, fingers running on my chest, on my back and on my ass cheeks. That was part of the job…well I thought so. They were doing the same with all the other bartenders who were working.

Even one of the bartenders kept touching me whenever I was near her; grazing my chest, rubbing her breasts against my back and touching my hair and my face. She even asked me if I wanted to go home with her after the night.

She smiled at me with an evil little smile and asked me to wait for her after the shift.

"C'mon honey…Wait for me after work. I am ready to perform whatever sex acts you want."

"Sorry Maggie…I don't think my girlfriend would appreciate". I didn't have a girlfriend yet but this…she didn't have to know.

I didn't have time to lose with any of those casual frivolities. I would never be available for any girls…apart from Bella. She was the only girl on my mind and my heart already belonged to her. I kept thinking about her from time to time. I was not interested in any fucking girls in this place. Even if some of them were fucking sexy and beautiful; none of them were as sexy and as beautiful as my Bella.

The boss was a really nice guy, more friendly than bossy. Marcus was a gay; as he told me. He owned this place with Alex, his boyfriend. I didn't have anything against gay people. It was their choice, not mine. He flirted with me a bit though but it was more naïve than provocative.

He told me that the first reason he employed me was because I was the sexiest guy he had ever met. He needed sexy asses serving the clients and that I had indeed the sexiest ass he had ever seen.

"I have eyes Edward…though my heart belongs to Alex. I am just appreciating the merchandise," he said, winking at me.

"As long as you keep your hands away from me…It's gonna be okay. Not that I have anything against gay…None of my fucking business."

"No problem with my hands Edward. Alex wouldn't appreciate it. See…He is watching me".

True—Alex was watching both of us but he was smiling. I was sure there was no big deal seeing Marcus ogling another man. As long as it was just appreciating the merchandise as Marcus told me.

I brought more drinks to clients. There were many people dancing and the band was really good.

It was almost 3:00 in the morning when the last client left.

We had to call 'Nez Rouge' for many of the clients who were too drunk to drive their cars. Nez Rouge was a special free service for inebriated drivers. They offered to drive the clients back to their houses. It was zero tolerance for drunk drivers and there were a lot of policemen on the streets, watching people and testing the alcohol level. The law was very severe and it was good. Marcus was really observant too. No way was a client allowed to leave the restaurant with his car's key in hand, if he was not in condition to drive.

I walked out of the restaurant with Alex and Marcus. They wished me a good night and I slipped in my Volvo. I turned the ignition on and drove slowly to my place. I was thinking of Isabella and how sad she sounded tonight. Maybe if I was able to get up earlier, I would go to La Stanza in the morning to see if she was feeling better.

As soon as I arrived at Ben's house, I undressed and took a shower. I texted Isabella and wished her a good day, telling her that I missed her. I soon drifted in sleep, dreaming of Bella, sleeping in my arms.

**o*o*o*o***

**BELLA**

Jesus…Was I fucking tired…I hated those kinds of nights when my mind and my heart couldn't find peace and relaxation; those nights of restless sleep when the darkness and the pain were surrounding me. I was feeling so trapped in those negative emotions. Nothing could soothe my suffering…even thinking of Edward could not chase my sadness away.

Three things I was absolutely sure though.

First, Carmen would help me. I trusted her completely.

Second, I wanted to talk to her; no secrets, no beating around the bush.

Third, I was irrevocably and deeply in love with Edward.

Though he had that past that still disgusted me; A part of his past…not all of it.

I didn't want to worry him when he called me during his work. I knew I didn't succeed at all. I didn't want to spoil his evening with my own grief. But it was so hard to endure; my sad heart was speaking through my voice and I couldn't do anything about it.

I'd kept this horrid pain for myself so long. I didn't know how I dealt with it for such a long time. And now, loving Edward was making my heart shattered in thousand pieces.

It was not a heart anymore. It was a scar…a scar bleeding for the love I had for this man and the pain that was ravaging it.

And I knew that deep in my suffering heart, there was a part of it…in fact… all my heart wanted to be healed.

There was a long way to go through though, before my heart would be completely cured.

I wanted Edward to love me. I knew he already loved me.

I wanted to belong to Edward- in a way, I'd never belong to anybody else.

I wanted Edward to touch me.

I wanted Edward to own me completely; heart, body and soul.

And I was in complete darkness and so fucking afraid.

I took a shower and got prepared for work. I was like a lost soul…and it was worst than ever.

I walked to La Stanza, like an automat; me and my pain, hand in hand.

I walked in the restaurant and Edward was there, sitting at a table waiting for me.

I knew, he knew that I was devastated.

Just the way he was looking at me; the pain I saw in his eyes was the reflection of my own.

He stood up and took me by the hand and asked me to follow him outside.

There were thirty minutes left before my shift began.

I followed him.

As soon as we were outside, he talked to me.

"What's going on Bella? Please talk to me. Please…"

"I can't"

I pressed my face into my hands and cried. I couldn't control the tremors that were shaking my whole body; that pain in my heart, the tears burning my eyes, the knot in my throat and my stomach…Hell was back again…

The sun was bright in the morning sky but there was a dark cloud in my heart.

"Talk to me please Bella…Love…Talk to me."

A sob burst up through my lungs. My next sob was louder. I was crying for all the time I had kept my tears inside.

Edward snaked his arms around my waist. He pulled me tighter to him. My head was tucked under his chin. He rubbed my back with delicate gestures.

"Please Bella…Say something…I can't endure seeing you like this…What is going on my love? ...Oh Bella…I love you so much. Let me help you."

Tears were flowing down my cheeks in silence. I couldn't utter a single word.

Pain…pain…pain…so much fucking pain.

It took me awhile before I could stop crying.

It took me awhile before my heart began to beat normally.

It took me awhile before I could breathe; it was like my lungs refused to let the air in.

I finally calmed down…after what seemed an eternity.

"I…I love you too Edward…I love you so much…I am so fucking afraid; afraid of loving you…afraid of being loved by you. I don't fucking know how to deal with it. When you will want to make love to me…I don't know…I don't fucking know. I am so afraid of sex. Sex is disgusting. The experiences I had with sex were repulsive. And I know I want you in that way too. I want you to be the first one. I'd never made love to anybody before. I mean make love to someone I truly love. What the shadow did to me was not making love. He took me like the beast he was. He broke me. I hope I will be able to function normally again. Someday, I want to make love to you. I want to belong to you. Will I ever be able to give myself completely to you? Tell me…Will I be a normal girl again?"

"Shh…Shh…My love….I will never _ever_ hurt you. I am not the shadow. I will take care of you. We will make love when you will be ready. I am not going to force you. I am not going to impose anything on you. There will be a time when you will be ready. We'll take it step by step. Do you trust me Bella?"

"Yes I do Edward. I do trust you."

"Is that the reason why you want to see Carmen this afternoon my love?"

"Yes…I do have to talk. The pain is excruciating. I have to open my heart to someone. I have to let the darkness go way. I cannot live with all those monsters that are still inside of me."

"I am sure Carmen will help you and I will too…We are in this together Bella… You and me…I will never fail you… I promise. I love you so much Bella. You are my favourite person in the world. You are my best friend and you are the woman I love. I would give my life for you. Always remember my love. There is no one on this planet who loves you as much as I do."

"I love you too Edward…Please be patient baby."

"Don't worry about me my love. I have a ton of patience and nobody is more important to me than you are. Heal your heart first…Everything will be fine…as long as you trust me and believe in me and in our love."

"I believe in our love Edward. I believe in you. My heart is already yours…What is left of my heart is yours".

Edward brushed his lips against mine. I pulled myself closer to him and pressed my lips against his till they were in perfect harmony. My first real kiss to the man I loved with all my heart.

This was not repulsive. This was heaven.

He didn't try to force his tongue in my mouth. He was showing me all the respect he had for me but _still innocent_ our kiss was pure passion.

I finally pulled my lips away from his.

Edward cupped my face in his hands repeating how much he loved me.

And did I love this man ... Hope was in my heart now. Maybe I could chase the demons away. I had to…for him and for me.

"I better go inside Edward. I begin to work in five minutes."

"Are you okay Bella? Maybe you should go home."

"I am much better now. Don't go please."

"Where would I go my love? I am not going anywhere. I finally found my happy place. You are my happy place baby."

I walked in the restaurant, my boyfriend holding my hand tightly.

I had a boyfriend now. Edward was my boyfriend. I would do anything to fight for my love.

I was in a happier mood now. Edward was with me. Edward would fight for me. I was not in this alone.

I walked to the restroom to put water on my face. My eyes were swollen. I had cried so much. I took a deep breath and went to the kitchen to see Felix. He noticed that there was something wrong. My eyes were still red with all the tears that they had contained.

"Are you okay Bella?" Felix asked me in an anxious voice.

"I am now…Don't worry Felix. I am going to see your sister this afternoon. I need to talk to her."

Felix knew a bit of my past; not much. He knew that my life had been a real hard one.

"Are you sure? You can go home if you want."

"No I want to stay. Don't worry Felix."

"Has it something to do with Edward? He is nice with you, isn't he?"

"He is nice Felix. My boyfriend is a hell of a nice guy. It is me…I am still dealing with my past. That is why I have to talk to Carmen. Don't worry."

"Your boyfriend… uh? I am happy for you Bella. He seems a real nice guy to me."

"I love him Felix. I love him…more than anything in the world. I will do whatever I have to-to keep him in my life."

"Well hun, seems to me that Edward has been in love with you before you finally decided to admit it. The way he looks at you. I know this look darling; the look of love."

"Well, how about my eyes Felix? What can you read in my eyes this morning?" I added, laughing this time.

"Well, they are a bit swollen darling but there is a sort of radiance in your eyes hun. You are beautiful even if your eyes are a bit swollen."

"Thank you Felix. So how many tables this morning?"

"Just four Bella. And serve Edward. I know you are his favourite waitress here." Felix added, winking at me.

"I hope I am…I certainly am." I said to Felix.

The hours flew fast. As soon as I was not too busy, I was at Edward's table. His cup of coffee was never empty. And every time I was near him, he said that he loved me.

The shift was finally over. I had to go to see Carmen. Edward drove me to La Mission Bon Accueil, his hand holding my hand all along the drive.

I was a real bunch of fucking nerves. Edward changed my mind, talking about his job.

"Oh I am so sorry Edward. With all my fears and questioning, I forgot to ask you about your job."

"Don't be sorry Bella."

"So did you like you first night? I asked him.

"Yep. It was great. I made a lot of money. Hum…My love…I have a question… Are you jealous Bella?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, I work in bar and you promised me to come at 'La Boîte à Marcus' on Saturday…"

"So what does it have to do with me being jealous?" I need some clarifications here baby."

"Well, those girls…I don't know. They were so crazy last night. I didn't do anything. I promise. They were just behaving like…"

"Like…Girls on a high level of hormones?"

"Yep…I guess that is the correct word. I didn't do anything though. I swear."

"You better not. I think I could be really jealous. What… did they touch you?"

"Well some of them did; touching my hair, showing me their cleavage…even one of the bartender was pretty much trying to convince me to follow her at her house after the shift…but I swear…I didn't do anything Bella. You know I love you. There is only you in my life. I have to tell you because I don't want to hide anything from you."

"Well…I am quite impatient to meet this bartender… and the girls…Don't worry baby. I have a very bad temper. They can ogle you if they want but they better keep their hands off of you. Anyway, I knew it Edward. I am pretty sure you are the best looking guy working at that restaurant. Am I right?"

"That is what the owner told me. He is a gay and…"

I cut him in the mid sentence.

"No…Don't tell me. Did he flirt with you?"

"He did but he has a boyfriend. He just told me that he appreciated the merchandise."

"Jesus-Christ. What the fuck? Well Edward…I hope you realize that you are fucking attractive. Don't give me that look"

"Baby….You know I love you."

"I love you too. Anyway, I am not really jealous. Fuck…my boyfriend is so attractive that even his boss wants him in his bed. I better get prepared to fight." I added, laughing this time. And I certainly knew how the girls would be with you…I told you…You are sort of beautiful but you love me. That's all I am asking for."

And I was thinking that it would take a very long time before I would be in Edward's bed…But he promised to be patient and I completely trusted him.

We were in front of La Mission Bon Accueil. Edward kissed me; his lips perfectly fitting mine.

"I love you Bella…I love you more than my own life."

"I love you too Edward."

"Will you call me after the meeting?"

"I will baby. I promise. Don't worry."

I slipped out of the car and went to my meeting. Now it was time to fight my demons. I would do it; for me and for Edward.

**o*o*o*o***

**End of chapter 14**

**A/N: I hope you like this chapter. There will be a part 'B' for this chapter if I can say so. I mean it will be called Scars too…Bella will talk to Carmen about all the pain and the rage she has in her heart… and some others things she hid from Edward about her past when she was living on the streets; things she tries to deny but she is face to face with her own reality now. And it will take a long time before she finally finds the peace she is looking for. Having been raped is something very traumatic and leave deep marks…**

**Tell me what you think and review.**

**Love France xxx**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Hello**** to my lovely readers. Thanks for your support and love. **

**My mother tongue is French. I do not master English completely but I do try very hard on writing a chapter with no mistakes. If there are mist****akes in this text, I do apologize.**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**This chapter was very painful to write. It deals with so much terrible past events. But my story is called HOPE…and there will be…**

**o*o*o*o***

**HOPE**

**Chapter 15**

_There's a sad__, sad thing about life today_

_I've been crying for this, more than I should say_

_I don't want to be alone_

_I've been broken, robbed and left to beg_

_For a home where I know I could stay_

_I don't want to be alone_

_Oh, the only thing I need is a place_

_That feels like home_

_There's a sad, sad thing about life today_

_I can't live with it, I only feel afraid_

_I don't want to be alone_

_It seems sad but you know it's all the same_

_If I don't do something I'll feel ashamed_

_I don't want to be alone_

_Oh, the only thing I need is a place_

_That feels like home…Bella_

**Bobby Bazini…Feels like home**

**SCARS PART 'B'**

**EDWARD**

I woke up very early in the morning, even though I came home at the wee hours of the morning, after my first night working at 'La Boîte à Marcus'. I slept only three hours but I had to get up and to go to La Stanza to see if Isabella was feeling okay. I was too much worried to stay in bed and to try to get more hours of sleep. I could take a nap later in the afternoon before going back to work. I dressed in a rush and went out. The sun was bright in the morning sky without a trace of a single cloud. But I couldn't appreciate the sun this morning. There was too much anxiety in my heart.

I knew Isabella was in pain. Was I the reason of her turmoil? Maybe she finally decided not to see me anymore. Maybe she wasn't able to deal with my past. Maybe she was not able to forgive me. And maybe it was something else; the shadow…I had to know. I couldn't live with my doubts and fears. I couldn't live without Isabella in my life. There was no meaning of a life without her presence in it.

I drove the Volvo at La Stanza. The drive was tense. I was so anxious. There was nothing that could soothe my nerves. I tried to relax but I didn't succeed at all.

I parked the Volvo in the parking, turned the ignition off and walked in the restaurant. I was the first client. Felix greeted me and asked me to follow him at a table. One of the waitresses gave me a cup of coffee and a newspaper. I tried to read the headlines but I couldn't concentrate on a single line. It seemed an eternity before I saw Isabella. And fuck when I saw her, the look of despair and devastation I could see in her eyes was something terrible to endure.

Her pain was so intense. I could see all her grief on her face. Her pain was mine and I had to talk to her.

I asked her to follow me and she did.

As soon as we were outside I talked.

"What is going on Bella? Please talk to me…Please".

She couldn't say anything. Tears were running down on her face, sobs bursting out of her lungs; loud, painful sobs. All the pain I could feel through her sobs, made my heart broken in hundred pieces.

I snaked my arms around her waist and pulled myself closer to her.

"Please Bella…Say something…I can't endure seeing you like this…What is going on my love? ...Oh Bella…I love you so much. Let me help you."

I had to tell her that I loved her. I couldn't keep those words inside me. Those words were burning my heart. She had to know that she was the most important person in my life.

It took her a long time before she could talk.

And she finally admitted that she was in love with me. My heart stuttered and beat unevenly. It was about to combust and I had trouble breathing.

And she was so fucking afraid; afraid of loving me…Afraid of being loved by me and above all, afraid of being touched by me.

I knew it would be hard for her to make love to me; to give herself to me…mind, body, soul and heart.

I was feeling so much rage in my heart. The shadow had destroyed her life. He took her body…treating her as rubbish…treating her as a sexual object to satisfy his own bestial instincts.

How could she trust men? How could she deal with anything related to sex?

I knew sex was a repulsive thing to her. It meant pain and hatred. And my part now, was to show her, that making love to someone you really loved, could be the most beautiful thing in the world.

And I knew I had to be patient. And I would be patient. I would never_ ever_ impose anything on her. I would never force her to do something until she was ready. I knew it would be a long way before we could share that intimacy. My love for her was far more important than my sexual needs. And above all, Bella was the most important person for me, and I knew that, she would go through a lot of pain and turmoil before I could make love to her.

I will accompany her throughout her therapy. I would never fail her. I would be by her side and helped her, the best I could.

I wanted to have a meeting with Carmen Cope in short laps of time. I needed guidance too. I didn't know how to deal with sexual abuse. My girl had been raped and the repercussions of this monstrous act had left deep marks into her. I had the find a way to help her, the best I could. How did you break those walls? How did you make a victim of sexual abuse trust another man? What should I do first? What after the first kiss? How could I touch her without disgusting her? And how far could I go? I was in complete darkness and I needed help.

Those were all questions that should be answered. Bella and I were in this together. I would never deceive her. I would give her all the time she needed to find peace in her heart.

And Bella told me that she trusted me. She believed in me and in our love. Everything would be fine; no matter the time it took to heal her heart. Time was not important but our love was.

After her shift, I drove her to her meeting. I had to tell her about my job too. She was coming at La Boîte à Marcus' on Saturday. I had to tell her about the girls' attitude toward me. It always had been the same thing for me with the girls. I knew I was attractive and I couldn't do anything about it. They were behaving like girls in fucking need of sex, and at a time of my life, I found it quite funny and I took my pleasure anytime I was in need of sex too…and that was often. But now, I thought this was totally insane. I could feel their eyes on me and I knew that they were craving for me…Girls on a high level of hormones…as Bella had told me. But I didn't fucking care about those chicks… My Bella was the only one I cared for.

And she wasn't jealous. At least she told me that she wasn't jealous. I didn't know if I would have reacted the same way. Bella was beautiful and I didn't think I would appreciate anyone ogling and touching her. Just thinking about it and it made me almost angry.

I just hoped Saturday night- the girls would have some manners. I didn't want to embarrass Bella. But she told me not to worry about it. She had a bad temper and I was pretty sure she would find a way to deal with the chicks if they were trying to put their hands on me. Now that she was my girlfriend, I would introduce her as my girlfriend. Maybe that would help to stop the girls' enthusiasm and Maggie's enthusiasm as well. As long as the clients kept on giving generous tips to me; I needed that money. Just receiving the salary was not enough. The tips made all the difference.

I was in front of 'La Mission Bon Accueil' now. I kissed her beautiful sweet lips. I told her how much I loved her. Bella would call me after the meeting. I was as nervous as she was but I didn't tell her. She had enough to endure without having to deal with my own anxiety.

She slipped out of the car and walked in 'La Mission Bon Accueil'. I just hoped her first meeting with Carmen would help her to fight against her monsters. I drove back home and went to bed. It took me awhile before sleeping. I knew that my girl would have to deal with a lot of shit. But I would be with her, all the way along.

**o*o*o*o***

**BELLA**

Carmen was waiting for me. She gave me a cup of coffee and invited me to sit on the couch just next to her.

"Bella. I am happy to see you. You know that I love you. I am here to help you. I know that it will be very painful for you. I am here to support you. This is how we are going to proceed. I will have to meet you more than once. You will have to talk though. I am here to listen to you and to answer to your questions as well. But my first role is to listen to you. The thing I can say before we begin this therapy is that there is help for you here, and that there is hope as well. Rape or sexual assaults not only cause intense physical pain but almost unbearable emotional pain, and I am here to help you through your tough times."

"Thanks Carmen. I don't know how to deal with that shit anymore. I kept it inside for such a long time; trying to forget it but now all the rage and the pain I have inside is ravaging my heart and making my life a living hell. I don't know what to say and how to begin."

"I don't either know how you have been able to keep all that pain inside of you. You didn't talk to anybody about the sexual assaults and the rape?"

"I talked about the rape…Esme knew, I left her a note before I left the house and I talked to Edward, but I never really talked to anybody about the rage and the pain I have in my heart. I never talked about my fears and my repulsion on anything dealing with sex. And now that Edward is in love with me and that I love him…I don't know what to do anymore. I am so fucking scared. "

"Rape is an extremely traumatic ordeal to go through Bella and you will need all the professional support we can give you here. You shouldn't have kept the rape and the sexual assaults a secret, as far as your emotions were concerned. I know it was hard for you. Nobody was really there for you at that time. Esme could have helped you but you chose not to talk to her. Can I just ask you why? You told me that she was a mother to you?"

"I was so ashamed. I was thinking I was a bad person. I was so scared that she would not want to see me anymore. I thought it was my fault. I was so confused at that time."

"Jason kept repeating me that I was a slut, a bitch and a little whore."

"And he threatened to kill me and to kill Esme if ever I opened my fucking mouth."

"And I am still so fucking ashamed. Why did I let him rape me? Why didn't I tell someone? I was so fucking scared of him. He told me that I liked it when he fucked me; that I was his thing. That I was his and that he could use me the way he wanted."

"And now that I have Edward in my life…I don't know…Am I worth of his love? I feel so dirty and I am so fucking scared when he will want to make love to me."

"You don't have to feel ashamed Bella. Jason was a deviant and a very sick person. It was not you Bella, it was him…He was a predator and you were his prey. He was a beast and you were his victim. And as far as Edward is concerned here, you must know that you will have to take as much time to cope with the consequences of the assaults as you need. Some days you will feel fine, but that does not mean that you won't be ever angry and afraid or revolted of what happened to you. "

"Yes…I know but the idea of sex is so repulsive. What the shadow did to me is repulsive"

"I know that hun. There is no word strong enough to describe what he did to you. Remember this darling…whatever Jason had from you…your body…it was not his…It was stolen from you. He had no right to touch you and to assault you."

"But Edward…He is not repulsive. I love him but the idea of making love to him disgusts me."

"Do you think Edward would treat you the way Jason did? Do you thing Edward is another shadow? Do you trust your boyfriend Bella?"

"Carmen, I know Edward would never treat me the way the shadow did. He would never _ever_ hurt me. He is not like Jason. And yes, I completely trust Edward. He is so nice and so patient with me."

"You seem to have a very nice guy in your life Bella. You know, we are just beginning the therapy and it is very soon but somehow, someday you will see that making love to someone you really love is the most beautiful thing in the world. There is nothing repulsive about making love when you truly love someone."

"I do love him Carmen…more than my own life but the idea of sex still repulses me."

"You are not ready yet Bella. I will have to meet Edward as well. You both need guidance in your love relationship. He must be in total darkness too. I will have to help both of you. But remember darling there is hope for both of you."

"I am so ashamed of other things as well. How come if sex is so repulsive did I make blow jobs to strangers when I was living on the streets? And I hid things to Edward as well…What a fucking nice way to begin a relationship if I keep secrets from him?"

"How were you feeling when you did the blow jobs?"

"I disgusted myself but I had no other choices. I had to eat."

"So it repulsed you?"

"Yes, I hated it and I hated myself for doing it"

"Does Edward know that?"… About the blow jobs?"

"Yes he knows."

"What did you hide from him?"

"Well some guys touched me; touching my breasts, sucking my nipples, fucking me with their fingers…It meant more money…But nobody fucked me with their cock…That I couldn't."

"Why didn't you tell it to Edward?"

"I don't know. I fucking don't know. I didn't tell that to anybody…even Max the punk squeegee didn't know. I never told anybody. I even lied to myself; trying to push those thoughts away…as if I had never done those things…as if it was not me doing those things. My mind was so blurred at that time. It was like I had two personalities; the good girl and the slut."

"Bella….Don't be too hard on yourself. You are not a slut. All those actions are the consequences of the sexual assaults."

"Urgh…What?"

"Just as every person deals with bereavement in their own way, rape and sexual abuse survivors will deal with their assaults in different kinds of ways."

"But what does it have to do with my own behaviour…If I hated sex so much. How could I let the guys touch me that way?"

"You wanted to be touched in a sexual way to wash away the bad experiences. Those guys were nice to you weren't they?"

"Yes, they were nice. They even told me more than once that they loved me."

"See…you were seeking for love and affection…"

"Yes…But I was still disgusted. I don't understand."

"Were you disgusted when they touched you?"

"No…after…when I was alone with my thoughts. When I was with them I felt that they loved me. This is so sick."

"And now that I love Edward…I don't want him to touch me and I let others guys touch me. Why if I was seeking love, I let them touch me and now that I have found love I don't want Edward to do the same? And why do I try to push those bad acts away as if I never did them when I know what I have done? I am just a fucking liar and I can't face my own truth."

"Human reactions are not something that goes with logic Bella. I can't answer to that question. Maybe it is your own way to protect yourself."

"And don't judge yourself Bella. And I have something to tell before you go. You don't have to tell everything to Edward. He already knows a lot. These events are part of your past. Your past belongs to you, not to Edward. Everybody has a right to a secret garden. I am sure you don't know everything about Edward's past. Now what you have to think about is this life…_you and Edward_…your life together. Nothing is more important."

"I would like to meet you next week Bella. You have a lot to think about. And I want to meet Edward as soon as he can be available. I have to talk to him alone. Don't worry, everything that you told me is in confidences. I am not going to talk to Edward about your past…I mean the part he doesn't know…It is for you to decide what to tell him or not…I just want to give him some advices on your relationship; the way he should be with you. We will be in this together Bella; you, Edward and me. You have a right for a normal life Bella. You had your share of pain. It is about time for you to be completely happy. "

"Are you feeling a bit better now Bella? Was I of any kind of help?"

"Yes, thank you Carmen. Telling you this part of my past took off the weight I had on my shoulders and in my heart. Though I still don't understand why I keep denying those events…I will probably never understand."

"See you next week Bella and please ask Edward to call me. I need to see that boyfriend of yours." Carmen added, winking.

"I'll tell him and please he is my boyfriend…You'll see he is damn attractive but he is mine." I said laughing.

"Darling, I could be his mother. Don't worry. See you next week."

"Bye Carmen. Love you."

"Love you too Bella"

I went out of the office, feeling light-hearted. This part of my life, the guys touching me…I had never told to anybody before. Those memories were so deeply buried in my mind….as if I had never done them…as if they never existed.

Could it be true? …I read that sometimes, the subconscious could block out painful, traumatic events…as it was my case. Was it the way I found to protect my sanity? Maybe it was…

And would I talk about it to Edward? I was absolutely not sure if I wanted to talk about it. He knew a great deal of my life. Why add more? Was it an absolute necessity? I knew he would be able to deal with it…but what difference would it make? Would it add more turmoil in our lives? The fact that other guys had touched me after the shadow and that I was not ready to be touched by him.

I decided to keep this part of my life for me. It would be my secret garden. I knew Edward would not impose anything on me. But I had to protect myself and go at my own pace.

I took a cab and went home. I had those exams tonight and I had to study a bit before going to school.

But one thing I had to do before studying. I had to call my boyfriend; the man of my life.

Edward Masen, my love.

**o*o*o*o***

**End of chapter 15**

**A/N: I hope you liked this chapter. Bella is in therapy right now. Edward is with her. He will be her shoulder…and he will meet Carmen soon. He needs help too. He wants to love Bella the right way…and he will do anything to help Bella to go through her traumatic past.**

**Give me love and review.**

**Love **_**France**_** xxx**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Hello to my lovely readers. Thanks for your support and love. **

**My mother tongue is French. I do not completely master English but it is my ultimate goal. I try to write a text with no mistakes. If there are mistakes in this chapter, please excuse-me. Writing in English is a real challenge for me and it keeps ****my grey cells working really hard.**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**o*o*o*o***

**HOPE**

**Chapter 16**

_We'll do it all_

_Everything _

_On our own_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie here with me?_

_And just forget the world…_

_**Snow patrol…C**__**hasing cars...**_

**JEALOUSY**

**EDWARD**

_Saturday night at__' La Boîte à Marcus'_

The place was really crowded tonight. There were almost no tables available on the main floor. Bella was sitting at a table near the bar, with some of her classmates and two girls she was living with. When I saw her, my heart started to beat faster that usual. She was so fucking beautiful in that tight fit black mini skirt and blue blouse. She wore those fucking sexy stilettos that made her legs looked longer. Her hair was waving down in cascade to her waist. She wore light make-up; her lips glossy and brilliant, her eyes shining with that light. She was indeed the most gorgeous girl in the place tonight.

She introduced me to her classmates and to the girls who were living with her. Harry, Alex and Corin were students in her class. Victoria and Nessie were the girls living with her at Angela's house. They were nice and friendly people, though I didn't like that Harry at all. I didn't know him well but he was sitting next to Bella, too close to her, touching her arm, whispering in her ear and once I saw him grazing Isabella's cheek. That guy was handsome as hell; tall, strongly built, broad shouldered, short blond hair and deep blue eyes. This guy meant danger and I was fucking jealous. I tried to hide my emotions though I was sure Isabella knew that I was getting more and more furious.

Was Harry playing a game? He knew that Bella was my girlfriend. She had introduced me as her boyfriend. There was no smile on Harry's face when she told him that I was her boyfriend. In fact, he seemed pretty upset. I was fucking damn sure he was attracted to my girl and only thinking of it made me angrier.

Why did she invite him tonight? Was he behaving like that when he was at school? She told me that he was a nice guy and that they were going out once in a while. She also told me that he was only a friend but I was fucking sure that this Harry wanted more than a friendship with my girl; the fucking bastard… I would remain on my guard and talk to him whenever I would have a chance to do it during the evening. Bella was my girl and he would know it.

The noise inside the bar was phenomenal. Many people were on the dance floor, dancers shaking their hips, moving their arms, stepping to the loud music.

Bella and her friends went on the dance floor. Harry was so close to her, grasping her around the waist and lifting her up in the air. I didn't like it at all. They danced touching, they danced apart. At a time, Bella looked at me. There was something in her eyes; she felt embarrassed. That was enough. I walked in the middle of the crowd and gently grabbed her by the arm.

I leant over and yelled in her ear. "Do you want something to drink?"

"A mojito, please."

"Okay baby, follow me."

I went off to the bar, Bella beside me.

"What is going on Bella? I don't like the way Harry looks at you. I don't like the way he touches you."

"I don't know what is going on with him Edward. He never behaved that way. I told him to stop but he doesn't seem to understand at all. I shouldn't have invited him. I am sorry. I think I will leave if he doesn't stop. He is a bit inebriated. This is embarrassing."

"I don't want you to leave Bella. Harry is not going to ruin your night. Let me talk to him."

"I am a big girl Edward. I'll talk to him."

"Okay but I am watching him. If he keeps behaving like he does, I'll make him understand."

"Okay- I love you Edward."

"I love you too Bella."

Bella returned to the dance floor. I was tense and pretty angry. I walked to the tables and asked my clients if they wanted a refill of their drinks.

I walked to the bar and prepared the drinks. I stared out over the crowd and took the opportunity to look at my girl. Harry was nowhere near her and I began to feel relieved.

I watched Bella for a few minutes. She was so beautiful, moving and shaking her hips to the sound of the music. Like music was running through her, her body moving in unison with the song. She waved at me and blew a kiss. I winked at her and walked to the tables to give the drinks to my clients.

**o*o*o*o***

**BELLA**

What the fuck was going on with Harry? He kept touching me, rubbing my knee, touching my arm, grazing my cheek and whispering in my ear.

"You are so beautiful Bella. I am so happy to be here with you tonight."

"Thanks Harry. I am happy that you are here tonight. You are a good buddy. I like that you are my friend."

"Friends…yes…I am your friend…for now."

"What do you mean Harry? What do you mean by…for now?"

"I like you a lot Bella. You fascinate me. You are so beautiful. You are one of the nicest girls I ever met. You are very attractive Isabella."

"Thanks Harry. We are friends though. Edward is my boyfriend. Don't ruin our friendship please. I want you in my life but as a friend, nothing more. And stop touching me, please. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. And you are embarrassing me. Edward is looking at us and you are embarrassing him as well. So stop and keep your hands away from me. It's not funny and improper."

"Are you sure you want this Edward in your life Bella? I don't like him at all. He looks at you like you are something to eat. And look at the way the girls are looking at him. They are craving for him. This guy is too sexy for his own good. You will get hurt Bella. I am pretty sure he will hurt you."

"You don't know Edward at all, Harry. He is a good man. Maybe you saw girls looking at him but did you see him staring at any girls here tonight?"

"No…I must admit it. He only has eyes for you. I still don't like him. Maybe you should…"

I cut him in the mid-sentence.

"What is going on between Edward and me is none of your business. He is in my life. And he will stay in my life. I love him. Now, do you want to dance? Everybody is on the dance floor."

"Okay, let's go."

We stood up and forced our way through the dense pack of people who were dancing on the dance floor; Victoria, Nessie and Alex were dancing, almost slamming against each other at the sound of the music.

We danced. The music ran through me. I moved, following the rhythm, letting the song grabbing my body, moving my hips, my shoulders and my feet. My eyes were closed and I could feel that Harry was near me…again…and too close.

I raised my arms and he suddenly grasped me around the waist and I leapt up. My head was above the crowd and I saw Edward staring at me. He looked furious and I felt very annoyed and embarrassed.

"Harry, put me on the damn floor…like right now." I said. "If you don't stop, I am going."

Edward was near me the second after Harry put me on the floor. He grabbed my arm and asked me if I wanted something to drink.

I knew he was furious though he tried to hide his anger from me. And I was sorry for him; sorry that I had invited Harry to 'La Boîte à Marcus'—and very disappointed that Harry behaved like that. Maybe I should leave and go home. Edward was here to work. He was not here to watch me and to worry.

I liked Harry. I didn't understand his attitudes at all. He never behaved like that…_ ever_. Tonight he behaved like a man who wanted more than a friendship. And I didn't want this. He was ruining my evening.

I followed Edward to the bar. He was so beautiful; his copper-bronze hair, in complete disarray, and his emerald-green eyes staring at me. He was a feline-like; all masculinity and physicality. He didn't notice how the girls were staring at him and looking at me, green with envy. But I did notice and I was sort of happy. I was happy because that gorgeous man was mine.

"What is going on Bella? I don't like the way Harry looks at you. I don't like the way he touches you?" Edward asked in a husky voice.

I told him that I didn't know what was going on with Harry. I didn't tell him that Harry was attracted to me. That he found me fascinating. I didn't want Edward to be more furious and to be upset. I was pretty damn sure Edward could have a very bad temper. I didn't want him to throw a fit and to lose his job. Edward wanted to talk to Harry but I stopped him. I could deal with Harry. I had to.

I told Edward that I loved him and walked back to the dance floor.

Harry was nowhere in sight. Good…I wanted to have fun and I intended to have a pleasant night.

Victoria was dancing. Sweat was running down her face.

"It's a nice place darling, isn't it? You enjoy your night?" I asked her.

"Yes, she yelled. I love the band."

"Where is Alex?"

"He is outside with Harry and Corin. I think Harry drank too much. He wanted to follow you at the bar. Alex stopped him. What is going on with him? He seems jealous and angry."

"Harry told me that he found me attractive and he didn't think Edward was good for me. I shouldn't have invited him. Maybe someone should drive him home. I don't want Harry to make a scene. Edward works here and I don't want him to lose his job."

"Did Harry tell you that he loved you?"

"Not with these words. He told me that he found me attractive, that I fascinated him and that we were just friends…for now…And he kept touching me…I didn't appreciate it at all."

"Bella…I think that there will be problems if we don't drive him home. I'll ask Alex."

Victoria walked outside to fetch Alex and Corin. They came back but Harry was not with them.

"Where is Harry?" I asked Alex in an anxious voice.

"He needed to go to the restroom. He is not feeling well."

I looked at the bar. I didn't see Edward. I looked through the crowd. I didn't see him.

"Alex, follow me. I don't see Edward. He wanted to talk to Harry. He was pretty upset."

Alex followed me. Edward was near the restroom and Harry was with him. Edward's face was livid with rage. Harry was pressed against the wall; Edward's forearm was braced tightly under Harry's neck.

"Fucking asshole" I heard Harry yell at Edward.

"Don't you dare touch my girl? Do you hear me? She is mine."

"We'll see that. I like her. I like her a lot." Harry added.

"Edward…Stop…Alex will drive him home. He is drunk. Don't hurt him…Please baby…"

"Stop Edward," Alex said, grabbing him by the shoulder.

"Get him out of my sight right now or I am going to stomp the living shit of this guy. He called me a womanizer and tried to punch me to prove his point. He thinks he is a better man than me. He wants Bella. He likes her…Get the bastard out of here."

"Okay baby. Calm down. Alex will drive him home." I said, grazing his back with the tips of my fingers.

"C'mon Harry… Time to go home buddy", Alex said.

Alex walked outside, holding a very inebriated Harry. I was almost sure he wasn't going to remember anything the next day.

"Baby, are you okay?" I asked Edward.

"I am furious Bella; furious and sorry. I don't want to be called a womanizer ever. It reminds me of my past. I am not that anymore. You know there is only one woman in my life. You are the only one Bella. I am so fucking sorry. Maybe you don't approve of my attitudes. I am fucking jealous. I know enough of guys like this one. The way he looked at you—his eyes always on you.—I hated it."

"Don't worry Edward. He is just a friend, nothing more."

"Maybe, for you…he is Bella, but I think he wants much more than a friendship."

"It's okay baby. He is gone now. Go back to work."

"Will you stay Bella?" Don't go please."

"I am not going anywhere love. Don't worry, I'll wait for you."

"Can I kiss you?"

He didn't have to wait for my answer. I grabbed him by the shirt and pressed my chest against his torso.

His lips were so soft on mine. I forced my tongue into his mouth; our tongues dancing around each other. My first real kiss to the man I loved.

"I love you Bella. You don't know how much I love you."

"I love you too Edward. Now go back to work. I want to enjoy the rest of my evening."

We walked to the bar. I took another drink and walked to the table.

I sat with Victoria and Nessie. We talked and laughed a lot. We enjoyed the music too and danced. I forgot about Harry and his behaviour. I was here, with my friends having a nice time.

And I was here with Edward. There was nothing more important to me than Edward. I was in love with him and he was in love with me. Nothing else mattered.

At the wee hours of the morning, we left the bar. Edward drove me home, Victoria and Nessie sitting on the back seat of the Volvo. All the way along, Edward held my hand and kissed my knuckles.

We were in front of the house. Nessie and Victoria thanked Edward for the lift and slipped out of the Volvo.

"I am sorry Bella. I am not a bit sorry for Harry though. Just thinking you're going to see him at school. He better keeps his hands off you."

"You'll have to trust me Edward. Harry is just a friend and a classmate"

"I trust you. It's him, I don't trust. "

"You must believe in me Edward. You are the only one for me. I'll deal with Harry. Please forget about him."

"I'll try baby. But he fucking goes to school with you. I tell you…if ever he annoys you I want to know. I want to ask you something. Please say yes."

"What?"

"I would like to spend the rest of the night with you. I want to wake with you by my side. I won't touch you. I promise. I just want to hold you. Please Bella"

"I…I am not sure Edward. I can't…"

"Please Bella. You know I want you…more than anything in the world. I know you are not ready. I will behave like a gentleman. I just want to hold you in my arms."

"Okay then. Just give me a few minutes. I'll take a shower and grab a few things."

"Okay baby and thank you"

I slipped out of the Volvo and walked in the house. Angie was in the living-room, watching TV.

"Hey Bella" Did you have a nice evening?" Angela asked me.

"Yes. The atmosphere was good. I danced a lot. I had a nice time". I said to Angie, smiling, though my smile didn't reach my eyes."

"Are you sure? You look anxious."

"Well, there was an incident between Edward and Harry. They almost fought."

"Your boyfriend and Harry? Why?"

"Harry behaved like an idiot. He drank too much. He said that he found me attractive and he kept touching me. Edward saw it and he was furious. Then they exchanged harsh words—Harry telling Edward that he was not good for me and that he was a womanizer. Edward was very annoyed and very angry and he still is."

"I thought Harry was a nice guy. Some people can't bear alcohol…Well; maybe it is not just the alcohol. You'd better have a conversation with Harry, Bella. Make yourself clear. Edward seems to be a really nice man, Bella. You love him, don't you?"

"I do Angie. I love him so much, though I am so fucking anxious about our relationship."

"You went through a lot of shit darling. Edward will have to be patient and wait till you are ready."

"He is already so patient Angie. He is so nice. He cares so much for me."

"Good. If your love is strong…and I am pretty sure it is, you'll go through this shit together. Just take it day by day. Your bond will get stronger…I am sure about it Bella."

"Thanks Angie. I am not sleeping here tonight. I am going to sleep at Edward's house."

"Are you sure hun? Don't you think it is a bit premature?"

"I won't make love to him. I am not ready. Edward just wants me to spend the night with me. He looks so anxious. I want to be with him. I must reinsure him. I must comfort him."

"Okay Bella. But remember; don't put yourself in any awkward situation. Go with your feelings."

"I will Angie. Don't worry. Now, if you'll excuse-me, Edward is waiting in his car. I'll go and take a shower and grab some clothes."

"Okay darling. See you tomorrow."

"Okay Angela."

I climbed the stairs, undressed and took a shower. I was a nervous wreck. I knew I was in love with Edward. There were no doubts in my mind. I knew I was physically attracted to him too-But what if he wanted more—I was not ready at all-and when would I be ready? Would he be patient enough to wait for me? I was thoroughly damaged. When I thought about it, I was so mad. I hated the shadow so much. He had destroyed me. He had taken everything from me; my dignity, my self-esteem and my self-confidence. I even wondered why Edward chose me. I was nothing…I felt like nothing. He was so beautiful…inside out. Not the Edward he was in the past. Not the pimp and the protector. Not the bad guy. But what he was now. He was always so caring and loving. I was so lost.

I tried to push those negative thoughts away. I went out of the shower, towel-dry, dressed, took my toiletry stuff, my toothbrush and grabbed my undergarment, my pyjama, a shirt, my winter coat and my purse.

I went downstairs and slipped on my boots. I walked out the house.

I opened the passenger's door and slipped in the Volvo.

"Thank you Bella. Thank you my love to spend the night with me." Edward said, his voice all smoothness and velvet.

"I am nervous Edward. Promise me you will not force me to do anything I am not ready for. I don't even know if I could say no to you."

"You have to trust me Bella. You are the most important person in my life. I won't ever impose anything on you. Please baby, trust me."

"Sometimes I wonder why you want me in your life Edward. I feel like I am nothing. I am nothing."

"Don't say that my love. You don't see yourself clearly. You are everything for me Bella…everything. We'll go through the shit you are dealing with together. I told you. I am here and I won't fail you."

"Thank you Edward. Thank you so much to be in my life. I know I couldn't live without you."

"I couldn't live without you either. You are my life baby. Don't forget that."

We arrived at his place. Edward parked the car, turned off the ignition, slipped out of the Volvo and opened the passenger's door for me.

We climbed the stairs and went to his bedroom.

"I will take a shower baby. You can go to sleep if you want. You look exhausted."

Edward went in the bathroom; I took off my clothes, put on my pyjama and went to bed.

He walked out of the bathroom and lay down beside me.

"Can I kiss you my love?" He asked.

"Yes, Edward. I want you to kiss me."

He snaked his arms around my waist. I pulled him closer to my chest and pressed my lips against his. He gently moved his tongue into my mouth; our tongues sweetly dancing in a slow rhythm.

"I love you Bella. I love you so much."

"I love you too Edward."

"Sleep well my Bella. My sun…My love…"

"Good night my love."

Edward rubbed my back and kissed my forehead. I soon drifted in a deep sound sleep; Edward holding me in a tight embrace.

**o*o*o*o***

**End of chapter 16**

**A/N: I hope you liked this chapter. **

**Leave me love and review…I love reading your comments.**

**Love **_**France**_** xxx**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Hello to my readers. Avery special thanks to those who take time to review my story. It is a pleasure reading your comments.**

**My mother tongue is French. I do not perfectly master the language, though it is my ultimate goal. If there are some mistakes in this text, please excuse me. I do try very hard to write a chapter with no errors.**

**The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.**

**This chapter is**** full of romance. I needed it…and Edward and Bella needed it too.**

**o*o*o*o***

**HOPE**

**Chapter 17**

_Fate is fate; and when__ you finally meet the one person who can change your life that is called destiny. Nothing can veer it off its course._

_France _

**A DAY OF ROMANCE**

**EDWARD**

"Shh….Shh…My love…You are having a nightmare. I'm here baby. Don't cry."

Bella's body was shaking violently. I could feel her heart beating so fast. Her face was covered with sweat and she was screaming.

"Don't touch me. Please, please, don't touch me. You are hurting me. Please, stop."

"Bella, my love, wake up. It's me, Edward…I am here. Calm down my love. Nobody is hurting you. Open your eyes baby. Look at me."

Bella slowly opened her eyes. I could see the terror in them. She stared at me and let a deep breath exhale from her mouth. Tears were still running down on her cheeks and she hugged me tight.

"It's the shadow again, isn't it Bella? I hate what he did to you. I hate the bastard who abused you. He had no right to take you that way. He stole your body. He stole your soul. He destroyed you and ravaged your heart. I hate him. If I had known you at that time, I would have beaten the shit out of him. He is a fucking monster."

"I am sorry Edward. I try so hard to forget about him. I try so hard to push those dark thoughts away. I can't. I fucking can't. He is always there, somewhere in my mind, torturing me. Fuck, I am so lost. I am so afraid. "

"Calm down my love. We are in this together. I am going to help you. You can count on me. I will never _ever_ fail you. We'll go through your therapy together. Remember baby, there is hope. Hope for you. Hope for me. Hope for our love. I love you so much. I would do anything for you. I would give my life for you. You must believe in me. You must believe in your strength. And you are strong honey. I know we will sort this out together."

"Thank you so much Edward. I love you too baby. Thanks to be there for me. Thanks for your unconditional love. Thanks to take me as I am—broken and shattered—you are my hope. You are my life. I love you."

"I love you too baby. You can go back to sleep now. It is still very early. You look exhausted."

"I am tired but I don't want to sleep. I don't want that nightmare to haunt me again. I am hungry. I would like to go out and eat something."

"Okay my love. Do you want to take a shower before?"

"Yes"

"Okay, Bella. Go first and I'll take a shower after. Here is a towel."

"Thanks my love."

Bella took her toiletries, clothes and went in the bathroom. I sat on the couch and waited. I had a meeting with Carmen Cope Monday. I was really impatient to meet her. Bella really needed help and I needed help too. I didn't know how to cope with the whole fucked up situation. I didn't want to hurt Bella in any way. How was I going to approach her? I wanted to be intimate with Bella. I wanted to make love to her. But how would I do that? What were the steps to follow? I was in complete darkness and in a way, as afraid as was my Bella. I completely trusted Carmen. She certainly could help me and give me all the advices I needed to make this relationship work.

Bella came out of the bathroom, her hair twisted in a bun, with a few locks falling on the sides of her cheeks. She was wearing blue jeans and a white long sleeves sweater with embroidered blue flowers. She looked gorgeous.

"You are so beautiful Bella." You are so beautiful."

"Thanks baby. Go and take your shower now. I am really starving."

"Okay ma'am. Your command, I follow." I added, winking at her.

I grabbed my clothes and went in the bathroom. I showered quickly, washed my hair, towel dry, brushed my teeth and get dressed. Ten minutes later, I was ready.

"You are so sexy Edward. I love your sweater. Green suits you well. I love this colour. It makes your emerald-green eyes look brighter. You are very beautiful my love."

"Thank you baby. The brightness you see in my eyes is the reflection of the love I have for you. You are my sun Bella."

"Even if my sun is covered with clouds?"

"We'll chase those clouds away my love. Someday, your sun will be full. No more clouds, I promise. "

"I know the clouds will go away. With you in my life, with your support and your love, I know things will be better."

"Life with you is already so great. Everything will go fine. Are you ready baby? Let's go and put some food in our stomach. But before…Can I have a kiss?"

Bella came near me, snaked her arms around my neck and pressed her chest close to mine. I pulled her tightly and brushed my lips on her sweet, soft and wet lips. I licked her bottom lip and gently pushed my tongue in her mouth. Our tongues danced around each other in a slow rhythm. She moaned in my mouth and I moaned too. I rubbed her back with delicate gestures. She grabbed my hair in her hands, kissing me more passionately. I finally pulled my lips away. I cupped her face in my hands and stared deeply in her chocolate brown eyes, wanted her to feel how much I loved her. My eyes were burning with the intense desire I had for her. My body was a fire and my cells were combusting.

I finally let her go, not wanting her to feel the massive wood that was straining my jeans. It was not the time. I had to take it slow. My burning hormones would have to wait. I had promised Bella to be patient and I would keep that promise. We would make love when she would be ready. I would not impose anything on her. I would not force her. I was not the shadow. I was Edward Masen and I was deeply in love with her.

We went out of the house and got in the Volvo. I turned on the ignition and revved the car.

"Where do you want to go my love? I asked her. - La Stanza?"

"No, not this morning. Do you know another place?"

"Yes…Why not at 'Tutti Frutti'? It is a nice restaurant for breakfast."

"Okay, I don't know this restaurant. You are the boss baby. Let's go there," Bella said, winking at me.

I smiled at her and drove to 'Tutti Frutti'. The drive was pleasant. I hold Bella's hand, grazing her knuckles with my thumb.

We finally arrived. I parked the car, turned off the ignition and slipped out of the Volvo. I opened the passenger door, took Bella's hand and we walked into the restaurant.

The place was really cosy, clear and light. We followed the waitress to a table near a window and sat. She handed us the menus and went to fetch coffee.

"Here you are. I'll come back in a few to take your order," the waitress said, looking at me and smiling.

"Well…well…" Bella said. Did you notice how the waitress stared at you? You certainly affect the woman kind. She didn't even look at me. Edward Masen you are a beast. Don't tell me you didn't notice." Isabella said a huge smile on her face.

"I only have eyes for you baby. There is only one girl for me and she is just sitting in front of me. Are you jealous my love?"

"No…not at all. In fact, I am proud. You are my boyfriend. Every girl can ogle you. You are still mine. I am lucky."

"I am luckier…I am the luckiest because you are my girlfriend."

"Well…I guess we are both very lucky." Bella added, laughing this time.

The waitress came back to our table, still looking at me and evidently ignoring Bella.

"So sir, what do you want?"

"Ask my girlfriend first," I said, emphasizing on the word girlfriend and winking at Bella.

"Okay, Miss…Are you ready to order?"

"I'll take a strawberry pancake and a cappuccino please."

"Sir"?

"Give me the same."

"Okay. I'll be back as soon as it is ready." The waitress said.

"So baby, what do you want to do today?" I asked Bella.

"I don't know. One thing for sure, I want to spend the day with you. What would you like to do?"

"I would like to declare this day, our first date day. Christmas is coming soon. I want to buy something to you. I want to offer you something special. Something you will wear on you every day. Would you accept a gift from me Bella?"

"I am embarrassed Edward. I am not used receiving gifts. "Bella added, her face going through all shades of red.

"Please baby. Humour me."

"Okay Edward but I will give something to you too." If you want me to wear something that represents you…I want you to have something from me."

"Okay…It's a deal." Nothing is better than compromises. That is the best way to make a relationship works." I added, smiling at her.

"And I want to take you to a fine restaurant tonight. I want this day to be very special. Our first real date must be something to remember."

"Just to spend time with you is special Edward. I need nothing more."

"Being with you is happiness baby. But still…Let's make this day a special one, please."

"When you look at me like that Edward, how can I resist? Do you dazzle me on purpose?" Bella, said, smirking and blushing.

"Maybe I do baby. That is part of my charm."

"You are charming enough my love. You don't need to add anything. You've got it all and I am damn sure you know it."

"Well, the most important thing I have is you. You are my most precious gift."

"See…It is the same for me. I don't need anything else, except you. But it's okay. Let's make our official date a special one."

The waitress came back with our meals. She poured coffee in our cups, still looking at me and finally walked to another table.

"I called Carmen Friday. I have a meeting with her tomorrow." I said to Bella.

"Thank you Edward. I know Carmen wants to meet you. I can't go through this shit alone. Maybe my expectations are really high, but I want our relationship to work. I want our relationship to be perfect…I mean as perfect as it could be…I want to belong to you. I really want to make love to you. But you know how afraid I am. I don't know how to deal with it. How to proceed? How to make it work? Where are my limits? I have to find a way to chase all the flashbacks I have from the shadow. When you kiss me, I don't think of him. I love when you kiss me. I want to feel the same way when you will touch me. I want to feel the same way when you will make love to me. But right now, the monster is still in my head and in my heart. I am so damaged. I want to be normal again. I need my heart back. I need my heart back…for me and for you."

"I told you Bella. I am here for you. I know you are hurt and that your scars are not healed. You can count on me baby. We'll take it day by day, hours by hours. Don't put additional stress on your shoulders. Carmen will help us and I will help you too. That is why I really want to meet her. I am in darkness too but I have hope. We are in this together…I already told you…I am by your side. I am yours. Nobody is more important for me than you are. Trust me."

"I do trust you Edward…completely. Thank you my love. Okay baby, enough talking of my own misery… Enough of heavy stuff…Did you like my friends? ...apart from Harry I am sure."

"Yes, they are nice…apart from Harry…I like Alex and Victoria. They seemed to have enjoyed their evening. Sorry that Alex had to go with that bastard. He missed a lot of fun."

"Still don't understand why Harry behaved like this. He is always a gentleman at school. I'll talk to him tomorrow. I can't leave that thing this way. He owes me explanations."

"I don't like him Bella. I trust you but I don't trust him at all. And I know I will worry. He will have to keep his distance. You see him at school and I don't like it. I am jealous…and I don't want him to try anything. He better not try to fool around. You are my girlfriend and he will have to realize it…The sooner, the better."

"Don't worry Edward. I will make myself very clear. Don't fret…I'll talk to him."

"Okay baby. So, are you ready? Let's go shopping. I just have to make a call before. I want to make a reservation for our dinner tonight."

"All right. I need to go to the restroom."

Bella stood up and walked to the restroom. I dialled the restaurant's phone number and speak to the owner. I wanted to have a private 'salon'*, roses' petals spread on the table, blue and red roses in a vase and a bottle of their best wine. The money didn't matter tonight. This was our first real date and I wanted it to be exquisite, romantic and unforgettable. I knew how to be romantic. When I was a pimp, living with the girls, each of them had their moments of romance with me- Though it didn't mean a lot to me. There always was a goal behind those romantic evenings. I wanted them to love me and I wanted them to be under my control and do what I wanted- and I was very successful. I knew how to manipulate them. That was so very wrong and monstrous. But that part of my life was behind me. And all I wanted was to forget about my past. It was not me anymore. That Edward Masen was dead. Isabella changed me. She helped me to find myself again and I owed her a lot. She gave me the strength to leave everything behind and to have goals-And the most important one was to have her in my life and to make our relationship worked.

Being romantic with Bella had a complete different meaning, because she was _the girl_. There was no false pretence. It was not a game. There was only one reason. There was only one truth. She was my girl and I loved her more than anything in this world.

I went to the restroom—human necessity—and walked back in the restaurant. I paid the waitress, without looking at her-that was rude but I didn't give a shit- gave her a tip and waited for Bella.

"Okay my love, I am ready", Bella said, snaking her arm around my waist. Let's go."

"Yes…Let's buy you something special," I said, brushing my lips on her hair.

We walked out of the restaurant, hand in hand. Big snowflakes were slowly falling on the ground—the first snow. The air was crisp and fresh. It was beautiful, it was magic. I opened the passenger's door and Bella slipped in. I sat in the Volvo and drove the car to a jewellery boutique. I had something in mind. I went to that boutique a week ago and I already saw a beautiful bracelet with a small crystal heart. It cost a lot of money but I didn't mind at all. This gift had a special meaning for me—offering my heart to Bella—and I wanted to buy this jewel for her.

When she saw the price, Bella began to argue. It was too expensive and she was embarrassed.

"Edward, no….please…It costs too much". It is beautiful, but…"

I cut her in the mid-sentence.

"Bella…You promise to accept a gift. Please don't ruin my moment of joy. This heart means a lot to me and I want you to wear it every day of your life."

"But it is so expensive."

"It doesn't matter baby. I want to offer it to you."

"Okay my love. I truly adore it. It is so beautiful; all those colors reflecting light; the colors of a rainbow after rain…I love it."

"I am happy that you like my choice. Let me put it around your wrist."

I fixed the bracelet around Bella's wrist and paid for the jewel. I felt like part of me was on Bella now. That heart was representing mine. The radiance coming out from it was the radiance my heart had when I was looking at my Bella.

I kissed her forehead and we walked out of the jewellery boutique.

"So where do you want to go now?" I asked Isabella.

"I want to go to the mall. There is an African boutique I like. I know what I want to give to you."

"Okay baby. Let's go."

We sat in the Volvo and were on the road again. Snow was still falling, snowflakes dancing, swirling in the air and melting as soon as they touched the ground.

"I like snow." Isabella said. I don't like winter though—not when it is cold or when there are snowstorms. But today is kind of perfect. If it was always like this, it would be perfect."

"Another thing we have in common baby. But we live in Québec baby. And you know how winter is; sometimes so beautiful but other times so harsh and cold. Well, I guess we'll have to endure it. But I love the country, I love Québec and I love Montreal—and even more now, because I met you and you live here."

"Thanks baby. You are so nice. I love you Edward."

Hearing those words coming out of Bella's mouth always made my heart so warm and burning with intense flames. I could feel that heat in my veins, my cells combusting with the love I felt for her.

"I love you too Bella. You don't know how much I love you. I don't have words strong enough to express my feelings. I am so happy with you in my life. I couldn't be happier than I am."

Bella took my hand and kissed my knuckles. We finally arrived at the mall. We slipped out of the Volvo and walked into the mall.

The place was really crowded. I could feel the effervescence of Christmas time. It was magic; customers walking fast, their hands carrying bags, Christmas music playing, decorations everywhere and children waiting in line to see Santa Claus.

"Here is the boutique". Bella said. "Can you wait outside please? I want to go alone and see if I can find the gift I have in mind."

"Okay, my love. I'm going to sit here and wait."

Isabella walked into the boutique and I sat on a couch outside the boutique, observing the people and the children; impatient customers, loving parents holding their kids' hand and excited children. And I surprised myself thinking of me, in a few years, having my own kids and waiting with them in line to see Santa Claus. I surprised myself thinking of Bella as my wife and having babies with her; my wife, my kids. I was still very young but I couldn't see myself living a life without my Bella. As far as I was concerned, I felt much older than 18 years old. With the past I had, when I was a pimp, I was responsible of the girls. I had to take care of them and made the business run. I had to take decisions. I knew it was dirty business. I knew it was wrong but in a way, it brought a certain maturity in my life. And I was pretty positive Bella felt much older than 18 years old. She had endured so much and dealt with so much pain; these things left deep marks in a life and certainly made her grew up faster than she was…in her mind and in her heart. In a few years from now, I would ask her to be my wife…sure as my name was Edward Masen. Bella was my sun and I couldn't live without my sun. I knew we had a long way to go before she would be completely mine; heart, soul and body. But I had hope and I knew that deep in my heart, she would belong to me entirely. I believed in fate. This was written in the sky. This was our destiny-being together.

Bella walked out of the African boutique, a huge smile enlightening her face. God… wasn't she the most beautiful girl on earth….and she was my girlfriend.

"Now baby, close your eyes" Bella said.

I closed my eyes and she took my wrist. She fixed a wristband and told me to open my eyes.

"Oh! So beautiful, Bella. I love it."

It was a black leather wristband with four tribal designs carved in it.

"What do the designs mean my love?"

"Trust, faith, hope and love".

"Trust, because I do trust you Edward."

"Faith, because I do believe in you."

"Hope because I know that you are here for me and you will help me to have my heart again…not a shattered one but a radiant one."

"And love….because I sincerely love you Edward".

"Oh thanks so much my love. Thank you so, so much. This gift means a lot to me. "

Tears were running down on my face-Tears of joy and happiness. How could I ever thank God enough to have put Bella on my road? Not a day of my life, would I be grateful enough to have this girl with me, in my existence.

I wiped my tears and kissed Bella. I hugged her in a warm embrace.

"Thanks again baby" I said, brushing my fingers in her hair.

"Thank you too. This is a very beautiful day indeed." She added.

"So baby, we have four hours left before our dinner. What do you want to do?"

"Don't know." Would you like to go and watch a movie?"

"Why not? What would you like to watch?"

"I don't know what movies are playing right now? Let's go at the theatre and see if there is something interesting."

"Okay my love." I answered.

We walked out of the mall, my arm snaked around Bella' shoulders. Snow was now covering the ground. The outside temperature was colder but we were not freezing. The road was a bit icy so I drove slowly to the theatre.

We entered in the theatre and checked what movies were playing.

"Let's see…Remember me…Letters to Juliet…Millennium…The lovely Bones…The Proposal….What you like to see?" I asked Bella.

"Nothing sad….No violence…Not on our first official date…" Bella answered….Maybe a little romance would be good…It is a date…remember? She added, winking at me.

"Okay…Letters to Juliet…seems enough romantic for me." I said, laughing.

"Okay…Letters to Juliet sounds good. Anything dealing with Romeo and Juliet should be romantic enough. Let's go."

I paid the tickets and we went it the theatre. The movie was good; not a great movie but it was very romantic. The scenes filmed in Verona were absolutely magnificent. And Bella seemed to have loved the movie. I saw her crying and I thought she was touched. I knew she was feeling very emotional.

It was now time to go to Ottavio. I took her hand and we walked to the car. The drive was pleasant. I put a CD of Adam Lambert. The song Time for Miracles was playing and it suited us so well. I sang the lyrics to Isabella, some parts of the song meaning what I could feel in my heart.

_Baby you know that _

_Maybe it's time for miracles_

_Cause I ain't giving up on love _

_You know that_

_Maybe it's time for miracles_

_Cause I ain't giving up on love_

_No I ain't giving up on us_

_I just wanna be with you_

_Cause living is so hard to do_

_When all I know is trapped inside your eyes_

_No I ain't giving up on love_

_I ain't giving up no_

_No I ain't giving up on us_

_So nothing can stop me from trying…_

Isabella looked at me while I was singing for her. Her eyes were wet and I knew she understood what those specific words meant for her and for me. I would not give up on love. I would not give up with my intense desire of loving her, of making love to her and I would show her that making love to someone who you sincerely adore could be the most beautiful, intense feeling in the world. Making love was not repulsive and disgusting…One day, she would realize it. It was not just plain sex. It was not just a physical contact. And I knew that deep in my heart, making love to Bella would not be the same. Sex I had with other girls was just sex…nothing more. With Bella it would be love…It would be the most wonderful experience. I wanted to belong to her. I wanted her to belong to me….completely-and one day, it would happen.

We finally arrived at Ottavio. I loved this place. It was a very fine Italian restaurant. The food was exquisite. The staff was charming. Caius was the owner and he was a friend of mine.

"Hello Edward. How are you?" Caius asked me.

"Hello Caius. I am fine. Let me introduce you to my girlfriend."

"Isabella...This is Caius…Caius… Isabella."

"Nice to meet you Isabella."

"Glad to meet you too".

"Well Edward, your girlfriend is beautiful." Caius added.

"I know she is." I added. She is the most beautiful girl in the world." I said, looking at Bella.

"Thank you but please stop. You are embarrassing me." Isabella said.

Bella's face was red as a beet. She was looking at me, she was looking at Caius and she was biting her bottom lip.

"What has to be said must be said." I added.

"Edward…"

"Okay Bella." I said, winking at her.

"Follow me Edward. Everything you asked for is ready."

"Edward…What did you do?" Bella asked…Nothing extravagant, I hope."

"This is our first official date baby. It has to be special."

We followed Caius and entered in the private *salon. It was perfect.

"Oh Edward, my love this is so beautiful. I don't know what to say. You thought of everything. This is so romantic. I love roses. Oh! Baby…thank you so much."

"I wanted to please you my love. I am happy you love it."

"This is magnificent. I am speechless. Thank you Edward." How can you love me so much?"

"You are everything for me…everything my love. Sit down baby and let's have a wonderful evening."

"This day is wonderful Edward. Everything is perfect."

We sat at the table and the waiter came in. He poured the red wine in our glasses and handed us the menus.

"Isabella my love, let's have a toast. I want to tell you how much I love you. I am not very devout, though I believe in God. I thank him to have put you in my life. I sincerely believe in fate. I am the happiest man in the world. You changed me. I am another man because of you. My past life was a failure. I was a failure and a monster. You made me wish for a better life. I have goals now and it is all because of you. Thank you my love."

"Oh Edward… I thank you too. I didn't know you before. Your past belonged to you. I couldn't have been in love with the guy you were before…but God…Do I love you now? You are so sweet, charming and clever…and so beautiful…inside, out."

"I can the say the same words to you Bella. You are amazing and so strong. I admire you."

"You think I am strong? I don't feel that strong."

"Bella…You are the strongest person I have ever met. Everything you had to deal with in your past and you are here…having goals, having hope for a better life and a better future. Yes, indeed, you have an incredible strength."

"Thank you Edward…You know baby, you give me strength and you give me the energy to go on. I want to be good for you."

"You already are good for me. You are the best for me. I couldn't wish for more. I couldn't wish for a better person in my life."

"You are good for me too. You know this song from Tina Turner…Simply the best…Well you are this man to me…Everything I need…_You are the best, better than all the rest…You come to me, give me everything I need. Give me a life time of promises and a world of dreams…Speak a language of love like you know what it means…And it can't be wrong, take my heart and make it stronger, baby_… And I believe in you… I so much believe in you."

"I believe in you too baby. And don't ever forget how much I love you…We know we will go through pain again…but we are together…as long as our heart beat…That is my greatest wish."

"I love you Edward."

"I love you more".

The evening went on. It was magic. It was love. I couldn't stop touching Bella, grazing her hand, kissing her knuckles. I was afraid too….afraid of what was coming…But I knew everything would be fine. She was my strength and I was hers. And she was my reason to live.

**o*o*o*o***

**A/N: End of chapter 17**

***salon…in French in the text…meaning a small and cosy room.**

**I hope you enjoy reading this very romantic chapter. ****Next chapter, Edward is meeting Carmen Cope. So, it will be painful. He has so many questions to ask and he doesn't know how deal with Bella regarding sex. He is in the dark too. And Bella will go on with the therapy as well. **

**Please leave me love and review…I love you my readers…**

_**France**_** xxx**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Hello to my readers. **

**My mother tongue is French. I do not completely master English but I try to write a text with no mistakes. If there are grammatical errors in this chapter, please excuse-me. **

**The characters belong to S.M. In 'HOPE' they belong to me.**

**o*o*o*o***

**HOPE**

Chapter 18

**MEETING CARMEN COPE**

_He stole your body._

_I'll give you your heart back…_

_Edward…._

**EDWARD**

Today was my first meeting with Carmen Cope. I was really very nervous. I took a quick shower, towelled-dry, shaved, brushed my teeth and got dressed. I was too anxious to eat breakfast. I was sure my stomach would not be able to digest food this morning but I would stop to Tim Horton to get a coffee, on my way before the meeting. I had to stop at the mail too. Maybe my letter from the Cegep was in the mail. I was impatient to receive the answer…hoping that it would be positive.

I grabbed my keys, my wallet and my cell, put on my winter coat and my boots and walked out the house.

Snow was falling. The air was cold and crisp. I walked to the mailbox and took my mail. The envelope was there. I walked back to my car, opened the door and turned on the ignition. I sat there for awhile, looking at the envelope, too anxious to open it. I finally tore the envelope and read the letter, looking for a specific line.

Dear Mister Masen,

Le Cégep du Vieux Montreal is very happy with your registration in Juvenile delinquency….This is a confirmation that you have been accepted. Your classes will begin on Monday, January 28th….Oh God; I didn't even take the time to read all the documents. I had to text Bella now, before my meeting with Carmen.

I put the envelope on the back seat and took my cell.

E: Bella my love

I just received the letter

From the Cegep

Good news

I am accepted

I am on my way

To see Carmen

I'll call you after

Love you baby

Edward xxx

I put the cell on the passenger' seat and drove to Tim Horton. I stopped at the drive-through and ordered a coffee. The road was a bit icy, so I drove slowly. Now my life had real goals; being accepted to the Cegep was really important for me and doing everything I could to help Bella was ultimately important. I had to make this relationship work out. I would do anything in my power to make it work.

I was now in front of 'La Mission bon Accueil'. I parked the car, turned off the ignition, took my coffee and slipped out of the Volvo. God…was I a pack of fucking nerves. I took a deep breath and walked in the building.

I walked to the front office and asked for Carmen Cope. The girl, behind the desk, called her on her phone.

"Carmen, Mister Edward Masen is here…uhmmm….Okay."

"Follow me sir."

I followed the girl to Carmen's office.

The girl introduced me to Carmen. She welcomed me in and told me to take a seat.

"Hello Mister Masen…Edward…How are you?"

"Hi, Carmen, I am fine…though I am really anxious."

"I understand Edward. I am here to help you and I am here to help Bella too. We'll try to sort this out together; the three of us. Bella needs help and you do too."

"How will we proceed? How many meetings? How long will be the therapy?"

"As long as you need it. Everyone is different, everyone reacts differently. We are dealing with human's emotions here. So the therapy will last as long as both of you need it."

"Okay.… I want to help Bella. I don't know what to do. I love her you know and I know she loves me too. But I am so lost and so completely in the darkness. Thank you for your time and for your help."

"It is my job Edward, helping people. And I love Bella too. She had to deal with terrible ordeals. She had a terrible life and she suffered so much. But now, she has you in her life and you seem a real nice guy. She is happy now…I mean much happier than I first met her and I know it is a lot because of you; because you are her boyfriend and she loves you. She told me how much she loves you."

"I love her too. I don't see my life without her. I just hope to do everything the way I am supposed to do it. I don't want to hurt her in anyway. I am really patient you know. I think patience is my best quality. I don't want to rush her or to impose anything on her, till she is ready."

"You are talking about how to make love to a victim of sexual assaults, aren't you?"

I was red as a beet. I could feel my face going through all kinds of shades. Carmen was direct; no beating around the bush with her.

Carmen noticed that my face was cherry red.

"Don't be embarrassed Edward. That is the crucial point of the therapy. You are in love with Isabella and it is very normal that someday you will want to share that intimacy but it can take a long time. It will take a lot of patience and a lot of love."

"I am ready to make love to her but as I told you before, I won't force her in any way. I don't know at all how to proceed. We kissed and that's it for now. What is the next step? How she will react? I don't know and I am so afraid."

"Your reaction is normal Edward. Don't put to much pressure on your shoulders though. We'll take it step by step. Let me explain certain facts to you."

"The only rule when dealing with an abuse victim is very clear: There are no rules at all.

Each abuse victim can have different reactions and they must be allowed to take as much time as they need to cope with their assault. You know some days Bella will seem to be fine but it doesn't mean that the next day, or the next week or the next month she will not be afraid, or angry, or revolted at what happened to her. Just as every person deals with bereavement in their own way, so Bella will deal with her past assaults at her own pace and at her own schedule. And as I told you before…Every rape and sexual abuse survivors have different reactions."

"Some victims will react with revulsion to the idea of sex…As I think Bella is reacting right now."

"Some will want sex in huge quantities to forget and to wash away their bad experiences…and Bella could sometimes react that way. She could be very demanding."

"And some will find that the assaults have no impact on the way they wish to interact with their loved one. It can happen to Bella as well, because we know, through different studies, that some rape survivors can go through all these different reactions at different times during their recovery."

"Bella has been really mistreated Edward. So you must be ready and listen to her. It is likely that she will have periods when sharing sex with you will be the very last item on her list. You will want to make love to her but she won't…she can even stop you in the middle of a sexual intercourse. So, if ever she tells you to stop, you will have to….Go and take a shower and here…I will be very direct …take your own hand and finish the job yourself…It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or she doesn't desire you. It just means that she maybe has some flashbacks and that she can't deal with them."

"So if ever it happens while you make love to her…Back off…pressing her is a very bad thing. And if you do it…I mean pressing her and asking her for more, she could feel raped again. And you could lose her."

"Sometimes, Bella would want you to cuddle her. You will have to discover what level of physical contacts she wants. So pay attention to her, talk to her and ask her what she wants….and act accordingly."

"And….listen very carefully…find out whether Bella wants to talk about her past experiences. She will need to discuss about it from time to time. It will help her to evacuate the rage she still feels inside. The most important thing is listening to her."

"Remember Edward, whatever her assailant had from her, it was stolen. Bella probably feels that her sexual identity has been cheapened. And something more, when Bella will make love to you…remember what she is offering to you. She is offering you her body her soul and her heart. She is offering herself…to you…her body is a gift…being intimate with Bella is a gift… being intimate with you is a gift…so treat it as such."

"And always remember…you are not making love to a victim of rape. You are making love to a person. _**YOU ARE MAKING LOVE TO THE PERSON YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH.**_

"I understand Carmen but I am still in the dark…So please help me…How can I approach her? What do I have to do first? ... After I kiss her"

"Talk to her Edward. Cuddle her. Massage her back, her shoulders and her arms…Try to kiss her on the neck and ask her to look at you. She must see you and hear your voice. You can try to touch her breasts…very delicately… but always ask her if she wants to. Don't try to take her shirt off...let her do it…and she will do it when she will be ready. Ask her if it is okay…and tell her what you want to do. If she wants to…she will tell you. If you feel that she is badly reacting and if she tells you to stop…you stop immediately. And don't forget to tell her that you love her…as often as possible."

"I will Carmen…I will."

"And Edward…Take your time. Don't rush anything…Take it step by step…When she will be at ease with you, touching her breasts…you can move to another step. And remember it is not because you succeeded with something that it will be the same the next day. And Bella will want to touch you too…sometimes…I am sure…but ask her if she really wants it…One thing, I will have to discuss with Bella…she must be really honest with you. She will have to tell you what she is ready for. At this moment of her life, she is not here to please you….I mean…she could say yes to your advance and thinking otherwise. For the moment, you are the one to please her…not the other way around…"

"Thanks Carmen…Thanks a lot…."Bella is the most important person in my life. I want her to be happy and I will do anything in my power to make her happy."

"I know you will…Anything else you want to talk about?"

"Yes…But I am very embarrassed and ashamed….I would like to tell you about my past. I think I am a good guy now and I owe a lot to Bella. But I was a very bad guy before and sometimes I am so afraid that Bella will resent me for what I did…Though she said she forgave me….but will she ever forget?"

"Tell me Edward."

"Please don't judge me."

"I don't judge people Edward. I see a lot of people dealing with shit….dealing with their present life or their past. I am here to help."

"Thank you Carmen".

And I began to talk about my childhood and the pain I had endured, dealing with intimidation and fear. How much I was hurt by my abusers and how much I was afraid and alone. I told her about my teenager's life….selling drugs….intimidating the students at my turn. I told her about the gang and my way of treating girls regarding sex. I told her about my shitty life, stealing cars and breaking in houses. And I told her about my recent past as a pimp and the girls working for me.

After what seemed an eternity, Carmen knew everything about me; my first meeting with Bella…what were my first intentions and then, discovering that I was falling for her. I told her about my new goals-my work as a bartender, my acceptance to the Cégep and my ultimate goal…living a happy life with Bella. I told her about the hatred I still felt for my intimidators and my intention of having my revenge. She knew everything. She knew everything about Edward Masen.

"I am sorry Edward…I am so sorry…You dealt with pain too. I don't think your choices were the good ones but I understand. Maybe, at that time it was your way to survive…I think you'll need my help too…Revenge is not a good thing….That was part of your past and what would it give to you? …Satisfaction? …maybe you think it would give you satisfaction…but I don't think it will. With your past and your new objectives, you would be of a great help with kids and teenagers who are dealing with a hard life. I think you should really concentrate on that."

"But I hate them so much."

"You will always hate them Edward; even if you have your revenge. What those kids did to you….You won't ever forget…that is a part of your past and you can't forget your past…"

"I know, I won't forget my past….so I guess Bella won't either."

"Your past is not Bella's past….She didn't know you then…She knows you now…and she loves you. That is the important thing here. She is not in love with the monster you were. She is in love with the guy who is sitting in front of me."

"But….don't you think she will see me as the guy I was before when I'll make love to her. I was a fucking pimp like her father…and she hated her father."

"You are not her father Edward. She knew her father as the pimp he was. But she didn't know you when you were a pimp. And you changed so many things…leaving the girls you were protecting, leaving the gang, working and earning money honestly and going back to school…Don't you realize how much you've changed in a short lapse of time?"

"I do Carmen. I did it for Bella…no…not only for Bella. I did it for myself too. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I scrapped my past life but I will not scrap my actual life and my future-No….Not with Bella in my life."

"I know that Edward…I must tell you and I think every word of what I am about to say…You are amazing. No wonder, Bella is in love with you."

"Thank you Carmen" I said, blushing…

"One more thing Edward… before you leave. I think it is about time that you see your parents again. They must realize what a great son they have."

"I am thinking about it…really…I miss them so much."

"Great….now I would like to fix a new appointment with you and Bella. Maybe, next week; is it okay with you?"

"Yes…I am in this with Bella. I won't fail her. I promise."

"I know you won't Edward. I will call Bella and fix an appointment that suits you both."

"Thanks Carmen. You answered a lot of my questioning today. Thank you so much"

"My pleasure Edward-Glad I could help you. See you next week."

"See you too."

I walked out of the office. I had to see Bella before going to work. I had to talk to her and I had to see her.

As soon as I was in my car, I called Bella. She answered at the second ring.

"Hey baby…It's me. I miss you my love. Are you busy this afternoon?"

"Just finished work. And I miss you too. I want to see you."

"Okay baby. Wait for me. I will pick you up at La Stanza in 30 minutes. I love you."

"I love you too. Hurry….but drive carefully."

"Always am careful. See you."

"See you"

I put my cell in my pocket and drove to La Stanza. Many thoughts were in my mind. The meeting with Carmen helped me a lot. I knew I would have to be really patient with Bella and take it step by step. And I would talk to her before. I knew she wanted to make love to me and I knew she wanted to be intimate with me; but she was afraid of sex…and the idea of sex was repulsive to her. I would tell her about my meeting with Carmen. I would tell her that she had to be really honest with me. I was not the one to be pleased…she was the one…and I would do my best to make her as comfortable as I could.

It didn't matter if it took months…The time didn't matter at all; only Bella mattered to me.

Twenty five minutes later I was at La Stanza. Bella was waiting for me outside the restaurant.

She opened the passenger's door and slipped in the Volvo.

"Hello my love. How are you? I missed you so much," I said.

"I missed you too baby. I thought about you all the morning. I had a hard time concentrating on my job."

"You know Bella. I think we should really live together. I really miss you when you are not with me. You already pay for your room and I pay for mine. I think it would not be more expensive to have our own place."

"Edward….I don't know…You know I am…"

I cut her in the mid-sentence.

"Bella…I am not talking about sex here. I am in love with you. And I don't still understand why…but you are in love with me…so why not?"

"I would love to live with you….But I feel our relationship is so…"

"Baby…I love you…You know that don't you?"

"I know you love me."...But we are still so young."

"Does it matter to you Bella? I am just eighteen and I do love you. I don't see my life without you. Is age so important to you? Or are you afraid of what will people think?"

"No….I am not afraid of what will people think. It is just that….living with you….so close to you, every day….I don't know Edward…You will want more than just kisses…I know…I want it too…but fuck…I …."

"Bella…don't you understand my feelings for you at all? I want to make love to you. Sure, I want to make love to you. But what I feel for you is so much stronger than wanting sex with you. Do you understand baby? I love you….more than anything in this world….so please think about it."

"Well…yes…you surprised me…I will think about it."

"Great….Are you hungry my love?" I asked Bella.

"Yes, I am."

"What would you like to eat?"

"You decide; As long as I am with you."

"Okay baby."

I drove the Volvo to 'Score'. They served excellent chicken and I knew Bella loved chicken. I parked the car and we walked inside the restaurant. The place was really crowded for a Monday afternoon. We followed the waitress and sat around the table.

"Do you want to drink something? ...wine…a cocktail…a beer?" the waitress asked.

"What do you want Bella?"

"I'll take a corona".

"Same for me", I said.

"Okay, back in a minute," the waitress said.

"So Edward how was the meeting with Carmen?" Bella asked me, with a trace of anxiety in her voice…and before you answer…I am really happy that you are accepted at the Cegep."

"I am really happy too my love. In fact, I am really impatient to go back to school….Hope my grey cells are ready to learn new stuff." I said laughing.

"Clever as you are-I have no doubt about it." Bella said, winking at me.

The waitress came back with our beers and took our order. I ordered chicken wings and a salad and Bella ordered a chicken brochette.

"So Edward….What about the meeting?"

"It was okay. Don't worry baby. Carmen answered a lot of my questioning. And she wants to meet us next week."

"And…."

"I know I will have to take my time with you baby…and I will. But, as Carmen said, you will have to help me. I am not in your head. I don't know what you feel…and you will have to be honest with me….You will have to be really honest with me. That is very important. You can't tell me that you are okay when I'll touch you if you are not. I want our relationship to work. I will do my best to make it work. So…no lies…I am not the one to be pleased…you are the one. And I will really listen to you. I want to make love to you. But I am ready to wait. I'll wait as long as it is necessary. I want you to tell me everything you feel in your heart. I know you love me. I have no doubt about it. And baby, I will touch you…I want to touch you…but…I swear….I'll be very attentive to your own needs. Mine will come in second…You are the most important person here. Don't worry and trust me."

"I trust you Edward….And God…I love you so much."

"I love you too Bella; more than anything in this world."

The waitress came back to our table with our meals. We ate in silence; both of us deeply plunge in our own thoughts.

"What are you thinking about baby?" I asked to Bella.

"I am thinking about how amazing you are. Supporting me like that-knowing that I am so broken and shattered. You could have a nice girl in your life….a girl who doesn't have to deal with all that bullshit….You told me earlier that you couldn't understand why I was so much in love with you. I love you Edward because I have never met someone like you; a person like you….so caring and so attentive. And you are so clever and so beautiful. But you chose me…and sometimes, I don't understand why. Why would you go through all that trouble for me? You could have any girl you want…I am sure….so why me?"

"Bella…you don't see yourself clearly my love. All the things you told me…about being caring, attentive, clever and beautiful…Well, I feel the same thing for you…You are that person as well. And more, I admire you for your strength. You are so strong my love. You don't know how strong you are. And you gave me the energy to change. I knew that deep in my heart, I hated my life but I am not sure if I would have quit the gang and the girls if it were not because of you. You made me realize that my past life was a failure. You made me realize that there was something beautiful outside…And that something…was a very special person….It is you baby….You made me realize that I had potential; that I could live a decent life and be proud of me. I am proud of me but what is my greatest pride…my greatest gift is to have you in my life."

Bella's eyes were wet with tears. I stood up and went on her side of the table. I sat on the chair next to her and cupped her face in my hands.

"Don't cry my love. I don't want you to feel sad."

"I am not sad Edward. I am so happy. Those words you just said…they reach my heart…they touch me so deeply. I love you."

I kissed her on the mouth and took her bottom lip and sucked it a bit.

"You taste so good my love. I love kissing you."

"I love kissing you too Edward."

Bella put her tongue in my mouth and our tongue dance around each other….slowly….so slowly. I pulled my lips from hers and kissed her nose, her cheeks, her chin and her neck….soft, warm, wet kisses.

"Do you mind my love?" Is it okay?"

"It is perfect Edward."

"Can I kiss you again?"

She didn't give me an answer. Her mouth was on mine again and our tongues swirling around each other. I pulled my mouth from hers and walked back to my seat.

"Let's finish our meal before it is cold." I said, smiling. We have a life together and many more occasions to kiss.

"Yes, my love….a life….And I love kissing you."

"Your lips are perfect on mine. You are perfect for me Bella."

We finished our meals. I paid the bill and we walked out, hand in hand. I drove to her house, holding her hand all along the way.

"I'll try to call you tonight after you finish school. I have to get home and changed clothes before I work."

"Okay baby. Call me if you are not too busy." Bella said.

"And tomorrow, I would like to spend the afternoon with you baby, at my place. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes Edward. Pick me up after my work. I'll wait for you."

"Can I have another kiss…before you go?"

And this time again….no answer…But Bella's hands were in my hair and her lips were on my mouth….our tongues moving in perfect tandem.

**o*o*o*o***

**A/N: End of chapter 18**

**I hope you loved this chapter; f****irst meeting with Carmen for Edward; a first step in the therapy. He will have to go very slowly and he knows how important it is to take his time and not go too fast. I trust him completely and so does Bella.**

**While doing my researches on rape and sexual abuses, I found a great article written by a woman named Trina. This article helped me a lot writing this chapter. Many things discussed between Carmen and Edward come from this article. So, a special thanks to Trina.**

**Leave me love and review…**_**France**_** xxx**


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